Historically, masturbation has gotten a pretty bad rap. It’s been said that jerking-off can cause blindness, will make you impotent or infertile, can lead to mental illness, or, arguably the worst of them all, will result in you burning in eternal hellfire. However, that hasn’t seemed to deter most of you. I personally have never touched myself, so I’m off the hook no matter what happens, unlike you perverts. Below are 13 of the best things ever said about masturbation.
1. “The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it.” — Truman Capote
2. “You cannot blame porn. When I was young, I used to masturbate to Gilligan’s Island.” — Ron Jeremy, Twitter
3. “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” — Woody Allen, Annie Hall
4. “Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.” ― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
5. “I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don’t jerk off because I’m horny. I’m sort of half-chick. It’s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.” — John Mayer, interviewed in Rolling Stone
6. “My first time I jacked off, I thought I’d invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
7. “Among all types of sexual activity, masturbation is, however, the one in which the female most frequently reaches orgasm.” — Alfred Charles Kinsey, Sexual Behavior in the Human Female
8. “We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” — Lily Tomlin
9. “It’s easy, fun, and no one gets hurt.” – Louis C.K.
10. “Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it’s a cure.” — Thomas Szasz (fellow of the American Psychiatric Association)
11. “I jerk off inside books and give life to words, leaving concepts stuck together you probably never heard.” — Immortal Technique, rapper
12. “If masturbation’s a crime, I’d be on death row.” — Gilbert Gottfried
13. Jackie Treehorn: “Interactive erotic software. The wave of the future, Dude. One hundred percent electronic!”
The Dude: “Yeah, well, I still jerk off manually.”
— The Big Lebowski