1. Always remember to wash your hands in between eating hot sauce and masturbating.
2. Guys: Don’t stress out too much about the best way to ask a girl on a date. Realistically, if she likes you, she’ll say yes no matter what. And if she doesn’t, she’ll just make fun of you to all her friends behind your back.
3. Boys who own giant cars and/or motorcycles have small dicks.
4. If you’re on a date with someone, it’s never, ever the right time to get out your acoustic guitar.
5. Sometimes it’s OK to think of men as disposable sex objects.
6. Sleeping with lots of people is not a bad thing, and if someone tries to make you feel bad about sleeping around or calls you a slut, it probably just means they’re not getting any.
7. Urine is sterile.
8. The key to flirting is just to be confident. However, walking up to a stranger in a bar and grabbing his crotch might be considered “too much” by some people. I know this from experience.
9. If you ask a guy out and he says no, just start telling everyone he raped you.
10. Crazy jungle pubes and better than razor burn.
11. A good tip for dating (and life) is to practice your “I’m totally not upset” face in the mirror, like how nominated actors practice their “good loser” face before the Oscars. This way, if someone rejects you, you can just make the face and at least they won’t be able to tell how epically miserable you feel inside.
12. It’s more important to be smart and interesting than it is to wear cool clothes. But ideally you’d be ‘all of the above.’
13. It’s probably a bad idea to let everyone you sleep with take naked photos of you, but being cautious is overrated. And who knows, maybe one day that leaked sex tape will make you famous.
14. Condoms suck but abortions suck more.
15. If you’re lucky enough to have an office with a desk in it, you should try bending someone over it. Sometimes being a stereotypical perv is a good thing.
16. Girls: It’s better to be a little bit fat than too skinny. This way at least you have boobs.
17. Most men are misogynists, even when they think they’re not.
18. If your boyfriend breaks up with you, a good way to make yourself feel better is to sleep with all of his friends.
19. Orgasms are great, but the best part about sex is all the stuff that leads up to it, so guys, slow the fuck down, will you!
20. Just because you’re in love doesn’t mean you have to start updating your status with Goo Goo Dolls lyrics, thanks.