20 Secrets (that are not really secrets) About Dating

January 15, 2012

 Image via happy 2 b sad 

1. Using a condom is like trying to eat an ice cream sundae with a latex bag over it.

2. That being said, I’d rather eat an infinity of latex covered desserts than have your child.

3. If you’re giving a blow-job and your mouth is really dry, all you have to do is shove the dick really far back into your throat so that you gag a little bit, and your mouth will automatically produce some much needed saliva. #useful

4. Crooked teeth are hot. Brown teeth are not.

5. Although there are a select few girls who can pull off a full face of makeup, generally speaking you have to choose between heavy eye makeup or heavy lipstick, otherwise you just look like a tranny.

6. Hand-jobs are like lower back tattoos: not a good look after 14.

7. Being “too much” is not hot and can make you seem desperate, however sometimes it’s nice to make a grand gesture, or go out of your way to do something nice for the person you love, to remind them just how much you care.

8. “We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.” – John Waters

9. Boys should wear lipstick more. #MatthewStone #PerfumeGenius #TheoAdams #BlaineHarrison #EverythingSteveBuscemiDoesIsBeautiful

10. Like praying, fellatio makes more of an impact when performed on the knees.

11. It’s sort of cheesy, but I always think it’s cute when couples dress kind of the same.

12. Saying “I love you” is important (if you actually mean it), but if you say it every three fucking seconds it starts to mean less and less.

13. There’s no such thing as an outfit that’s too tight or too see-through.

14. You wouldn’t think so, but winking at someone from across the room is a profoundly effective flirtation tactic.

15. “I want to have your abortion” is the 2012 equivalent of “You mean a lot to me.”

16. Seriously guys, take a shower once in a while. Even if you think you don’t smell, your dirty penis is going to give me a UTI.

17. Telling someone you think they look really beautiful is SO easy and means SO much.

18. Boys, stop telling us we have “thick thighs.” Even if you mean it as a compliment, it makes us feel fat.

19. People with small noses are cute. People with big noses are beautiful.

20. I’m in the process of growing out a giant 70s style bush. Just putting that out there…



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  • Reply Laura January 15, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    omg i love you!!!!! laughed so hard at 2.!!

  • Reply ND January 15, 2012 at 10:15 pm

    N°20… Me too!

  • Reply cailin January 15, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    i laughed on the inside at #15

    #3 – you sure that’s not HCL?

    i disagree with #13

    numbers 19 & 20 are equally sweet

    i think you have a great blog, thanks for writing so that i can read

    • Reply karleyslutever January 17, 2012 at 8:38 pm

      What’s HCL?

      • Reply cailin January 17, 2012 at 11:02 pm

        hydrochloric acid from the stomach

  • Reply stalker #999 January 15, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    OMG Blaine!!!! nail polish is cuter than lipstick.

  • Reply jayasinvajayjay January 15, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    I totally agree on everything. In addition to #6.. Whereas having him hold/guide your hand during a handjob can be very romantic. Btw you’re so funny and cool Karley!

  • Reply lucy January 15, 2012 at 10:54 pm

    i think its really cute that you still think of blaine <3

  • Reply dalas v January 15, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    #14 and #17 are ones I want to do more. Always so afraid that if I tell a girl she’s beautiful, she’ll think I’m a creep tho. Fine line.

  • Reply lol January 16, 2012 at 1:02 am

    Red lipstick should be avoided if your teeth are hella yeller…
    See picture #2

    PS a half asleep morning hj never gets turned down.

  • Reply ALEX January 16, 2012 at 4:21 am

    So great! Keep em coming.

  • Reply gunderscores January 16, 2012 at 9:46 am

    This is brilliant! You know how us members of the masses clamber for your sagely wisdom. 11 is indeed very cute, especially if he made you the t-shirt! #truestory. Also, totally agree with 10 – even better when they order you to do it that way!

  • Reply Matthew January 16, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    It’s nice to see that the 70’s bush is making a comeback!

  • Reply Bea January 16, 2012 at 5:40 pm

    I just completed my thesis on this feature, and I still think it’s great. You’re really doing a great job.

  • Reply susan January 16, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    Your ex is pretty hot.

  • Reply Harm January 16, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    Hi darling, you look really beautiful! Winkwink…

  • Reply hi January 16, 2012 at 11:43 pm


    • Reply karleyslutever January 17, 2012 at 3:37 am


    • Reply SeriousK January 22, 2012 at 2:59 am

      vibrating toothbrushes are the best for a quickie! Also cheaper than a vibrator.

  • Reply hi January 16, 2012 at 11:45 pm

    9 is true guyz

  • Reply shayna January 17, 2012 at 5:16 am

    thank god re bush

  • Reply wicked January 18, 2012 at 3:06 am

    No no no!!!

    20. I’m in the process of growing out a giant 70s style bush. Just putting that out there…

  • Reply lol January 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    could you stop being transphobic. could you try doing that for a second. are you capable.

  • Reply LB January 18, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    #18 and #19- so obvious you’re living in brooklyn

  • Reply Madeleine January 19, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Dood, epid respect for the bush. whatever the hell you do with your vag is up to you, and all things in this matter should be treated as equal.
    One of the 23 YEAR OLDS I MEAN SERIOUSLY at work the other day said he’d “never go down on a girl with pubic hair because it’s disgusting”, yet he refuses to so much as trim.
    How he gets laid I’ll never know (lol jokes, he doesn’t [I’m feeling vindictive, ok? bahaha <3])

  • Reply SeriousK January 22, 2012 at 2:58 am

    As an English major, John Waters is now my hero. Thanks for #8. Genius blog, genius name.

  • Reply The Sapphic Stripper February 13, 2012 at 6:11 am

    I am so excited for your epic bush.

    I hope you photo-document it as if it were a Chia Pet commercial (Even if it’s only for your personal records).

  • Reply Yu'an February 14, 2012 at 12:17 am

    Inspiring and hilarious
    Could I share the list on our Chinese blog?
    Thank you Karley x

  • Reply Cory Casciato March 31, 2012 at 7:32 am

    I love No. 19. I have a thing for noses. Not like a fetish, but just that every girl (every one) I have ever been really into had a nose “thing.” Big noses, crooked noses, or just unusual noses (or sometimes all three). People I tell this to look at me like I am crazy, but whatever. I like interesting noses, and big ones are gorgeous.

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