20 Secrets (that are not really secrets) About Dating

 Image via happy 2 b sad 

1. Using a condom is like trying to eat an ice cream sundae with a latex bag over it.

2. That being said, I’d rather eat an infinity of latex covered desserts than have your child.

3. If you’re giving a blow-job and your mouth is really dry, all you have to do is shove the dick really far back into your throat so that you gag a little bit, and your mouth will automatically produce some much needed saliva. #useful

4. Crooked teeth are hot. Brown teeth are not.

5. Although there are a select few girls who can pull off a full face of makeup, generally speaking you have to choose between heavy eye makeup or heavy lipstick, otherwise you just look like a tranny.

6. Hand-jobs are like lower back tattoos: not a good look after 14.

7. Being “too much” is not hot and can make you seem desperate, however sometimes it’s nice to make a grand gesture, or go out of your way to do something nice for the person you love, to remind them just how much you care.

8. “We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.” – John Waters

9. Boys should wear lipstick more. #MatthewStone #PerfumeGenius #TheoAdams #BlaineHarrison #EverythingSteveBuscemiDoesIsBeautiful

10. Like praying, fellatio makes more of an impact when performed on the knees.

11. It’s sort of cheesy, but I always think it’s cute when couples dress kind of the same.

12. Saying “I love you” is important (if you actually mean it), but if you say it every three fucking seconds it starts to mean less and less.

13. There’s no such thing as an outfit that’s too tight or too see-through.

14. You wouldn’t think so, but winking at someone from across the room is a profoundly effective flirtation tactic.

15. “I want to have your abortion” is the 2012 equivalent of “You mean a lot to me.”

16. Seriously guys, take a shower once in a while. Even if you think you don’t smell, your dirty penis is going to give me a UTI.

17. Telling someone you think they look really beautiful is SO easy and means SO much.

18. Boys, stop telling us we have “thick thighs.” Even if you mean it as a compliment, it makes us feel fat.

19. People with small noses are cute. People with big noses are beautiful.

20. I’m in the process of growing out a giant 70s style bush. Just putting that out there…



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29 Responses to 20 Secrets (that are not really secrets) About Dating

  1. Laura says:

    omg i love you!!!!! laughed so hard at 2.!!

  2. ND says:

    N°20… Me too!

  3. cailin says:

    i laughed on the inside at #15

    #3 – you sure that’s not HCL?

    i disagree with #13

    numbers 19 & 20 are equally sweet

    i think you have a great blog, thanks for writing so that i can read

  4. stalker #999 says:

    OMG Blaine!!!! nail polish is cuter than lipstick.

  5. jayasinvajayjay says:

    I totally agree on everything. In addition to #6.. Whereas having him hold/guide your hand during a handjob can be very romantic. Btw you’re so funny and cool Karley!

  6. lucy says:

    i think its really cute that you still think of blaine <3

  7. dalas v says:

    #14 and #17 are ones I want to do more. Always so afraid that if I tell a girl she’s beautiful, she’ll think I’m a creep tho. Fine line.

  8. lol says:

    Red lipstick should be avoided if your teeth are hella yeller…
    See picture #2

    PS a half asleep morning hj never gets turned down.

  9. ALEX says:

    So great! Keep em coming.

  10. gunderscores says:

    This is brilliant! You know how us members of the masses clamber for your sagely wisdom. 11 is indeed very cute, especially if he made you the t-shirt! #truestory. Also, totally agree with 10 – even better when they order you to do it that way!

  11. Matthew says:

    It’s nice to see that the 70’s bush is making a comeback!

  12. Bea says:

    I just completed my thesis on this feature, and I still think it’s great. You’re really doing a great job.

  13. susan says:

    Your ex is pretty hot.

  14. Harm says:

    Hi darling, you look really beautiful! Winkwink…

  15. hi says:


  16. hi says:

    9 is true guyz

  17. shayna says:

    thank god re bush

  18. wicked says:

    No no no!!!

    20. I’m in the process of growing out a giant 70s style bush. Just putting that out there…

  19. lol says:

    could you stop being transphobic. could you try doing that for a second. are you capable.

  20. LB says:

    #18 and #19- so obvious you’re living in brooklyn

  21. Madeleine says:

    Dood, epid respect for the bush. whatever the hell you do with your vag is up to you, and all things in this matter should be treated as equal.
    One of the 23 YEAR OLDS I MEAN SERIOUSLY at work the other day said he’d “never go down on a girl with pubic hair because it’s disgusting”, yet he refuses to so much as trim.
    How he gets laid I’ll never know (lol jokes, he doesn’t [I’m feeling vindictive, ok? bahaha <3])

  22. SeriousK says:

    As an English major, John Waters is now my hero. Thanks for #8. Genius blog, genius name.

  23. I am so excited for your epic bush.

    I hope you photo-document it as if it were a Chia Pet commercial (Even if it’s only for your personal records).

  24. Yu'an says:

    Inspiring and hilarious
    Could I share the list on our Chinese blog?
    Thank you Karley x

  25. I love No. 19. I have a thing for noses. Not like a fetish, but just that every girl (every one) I have ever been really into had a nose “thing.” Big noses, crooked noses, or just unusual noses (or sometimes all three). People I tell this to look at me like I am crazy, but whatever. I like interesting noses, and big ones are gorgeous.

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