Monthly Archives

December 2007

Uncategorized

The Year of the Tiger

December 31, 2007

Wow, Christmas was swell this year. I spent the entire day pretending I was a deranged, flesh-eating tiger, but other that that it was a pretty standard birthday for my Jewish homeboy, Jesus. So I didn’t realize it until now but apparently I can channel the spirits of dead animals. Cool right? See, I had this dream on Christmas Eve night that I was a ferocious tiger, and then when I woke up on Christmas day I just couldn’t seem…

Continue Reading...

Uncategorized

I’m not a Virgin Anymore

December 22, 2007

American food. Courtesy of my mom. It happened. I (along with my partner in crime Lauren “ Batface Killer” Dillard) finally lost my Karaoke virginity. I feel like a new woman- like I’ve been reborn into a glowing, musically confident superstar who would totally impress Simon Cowell if I auditioned for American Idol. The song of choice was (clearly) Bonnie Tyler‘s “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” as it allows for you to do lots of passionate screaming and emotional crouching…

Continue Reading...

Uncategorized

America is Weird

December 11, 2007

My Room. It basically hasn’t changed since high school. I’m back in America and everything is so weird. For real, this country is insane. Everywhere you look there are adds for diet pills… or exercise videos… or some crazy futuristic weight loss program that hasn’t even been invented yet (although everyone is still fat). News anchors speak like over-excited robots and look like they are made of wax. Everyone has creepily nice teeth. Strangers smile at you. And to top…

Continue Reading...

Uncategorized

I Don’t Wrestle Hasidic Jews

December 1, 2007

Throughout my high school career, rather than flipping burgers at McDonalds like most of my peers, I spent my summers earning cash as a lifeguard and swimming lessons instructor at a park in upstate New York. Compared to most of the other summer job opportunities in the rural hell that was my hometown, Barean Park (commonly referred to as ‘The Reservoir,’ or just ‘The Rez,’ for us employees) was like a tiny oasis in a sea of fast food restaurants…

Continue Reading...