Monthly Archives

November 2008

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Sweaty and Uncomfortable

November 26, 2008

My Grandpa I’ve been back home in New York for a week now and things have been just as staggering awkward as I expected. Apparently every teacher, ex-boyfriend, and nemesis I had in high school is now just dying to share an uncomfortable silence with me in the frozen-food section of the supermarket. “You know, I would love to stay and have a good ol’ reminiscing session with you,” I say through clenched teeth as I slowly back away, “but…

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Human Nightmare

November 14, 2008

Me and my new boyfriend, Wolfman. There’s nothing on this Earth I despise more than a free-spirited extrovert with an acoustic guitar. Ugh… it makes my skin crawl. No, wait. I thought of something worse- a free-spirited extrovert with an acoustic guitar and his cretinous sidekick on the bongos. Nightmare. You know the kind I mean- those baggy jeans, that scraggly beard, that long, flowing ponytail- he’s the poster-boy in a race of evil bastards, put on this Earth to…

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Proud to be an American! (For Once)

November 11, 2008

Being American is so hot right now. Seriously, everybody’s doing it, including myself. No longer am I embarrassed to say oregano instead of oregaaaano. Nevermore will I say aluminum instead of alumiinueunmb. Goodbye snidey remarks about my nationality from elitist British snobs who think the sun shines out of their Parliamentary, liberal-minded a-holes. Nope, the United States is a magical place where dreams come true and miracles fall from the sky like droplets of acid rain, and I’m happy that…

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The Diaper

November 6, 2008

Naomi at GIRLCORE Teen Movie. I’m wearing a diaper. You know those diapers designed for old people who can’t hold their poop in? One of those. And to be honest, I don’t know how fond of it I am. For one, it’s not very flattering. It makes my butt look massive. Secondly, whenever I move it makes this crunching sound, like as if I’m hiding my own illicit stash of plastic bags inside my vagina. And to make things worse,…

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