Monthly Archives

December 2008

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Shit, Maybe I Should Have Gone To College

December 23, 2008

When I was 18, while the rest of my friends were flocking off to various universities to enlarge their brains, I opted to move to London, live in a squat, do a lot of drugs, and just generally disappoint my parents. Now, four years later, I have a job (kind of), I no longer get bloody noses, and I don’t regret my decision not to go to university. However, there is the odd occasion when I feel like maybe I…

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Do It For Jesus

December 19, 2008

There’s nothing that gets me in the Christmas spirit more than a good ‘ol holiday photo shoot. It’s a Christmas tradition in the Sciortino household to get your photo taken in front of the tree, and every year it just gets creepier and creepier. “Do it for Jesus!” shouted my mother from behind her digital camera. “Now smile! This is about being thankful, not looking like a floozy.” Being extremely religious, my mother makes ever effort to continuously remind us…

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I Hate Hand Jobs

December 14, 2008

Now, I’m assuming I’m going to get a lot of people disagreeing with me on this one. But can I ask, will everyone who really, really loves giving hand-jobs please raise your hand? Okay, now put them down because you’re lying. Just a reminder, we’re talking about giving hand jobs here. Receiving them is fine. It’s the reciprocating part that I’m not fond of. My personal hate for them has been magnified recently by the fact that my boyfriend thinks…

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Why All The Hate?

December 11, 2008

Old School Everything is so PC these days. You can’t say anything anymore without some righteous smarty-pants hating on you. But my theory is, there is actually more hate coming from the people enforcing these imprisoning rules than from the people doing the talking. What’s the harm in a little un-PC slip from time to time? It’s called being creative with words. So what if my mom wants to refer to the gas station near our house as ‘Osama Bin…

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EFS

December 9, 2008

??? I have some very sad news. As I sit here typing these words from the comfort of my own home, small-town inhabitants all across America are being infected with a highly dangerous and extremely rare disease known as EFS. And it’s just reached my hometown of Highland, New York. I had heard rumors that EFS had hit Highland, but I wasn’t aware of how serious of an epidemic it was until I got back home last week and was…

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A New Meaning for the term ‘Black Friday’

December 1, 2008

Evil? Heinous, fat slob Americans scored themselves another point on Friday morning when a giant tribe of crazed bargain-shoppers crushed a security guard to death as they stampeded their way into a Wal-Mart on Long Island, NY. Thirty-four year old Jdimytai Damour was killed when over two-thousand evil bastards, some of whom had been waiting outside Wal-Mart for over seven hours, bombarded their way through the doors in a holiday-shopping rampage, fighting to be the first to get their fat,…

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