Monthly Archives

February 2009

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The Psychic

February 25, 2009

Picture my Matthew Stone When I was younger my Jesus-loving mother forbade me from ever going to a psychic, because, quite plainly, “psychics are servants of the devil.” And the censorship didn’t end there. There was an entire list of things she banned because of their supposed connection with Satan. Ouija boards, magic tricks, that crazy system of ideas commonly referred to as ‘science.’ Even Buffy the Vampire Slayer was off limits. It was a deprived childhood, to say the…

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Gay Boyfriends

February 23, 2009

Gay boyfriends are so much better than straight boyfriends. They love you for who you are, they don’t mind if your tits look saggy, and they say things like, Baby you look fierce! rather than things like Fuck. I accidentally came inside you. Do you mind getting the morning after pill tomorrow? Actually, now that I think about it, I kind of wish I was a gay man. They have it so easy. And it would make having a gay…

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Shit Shower Electrocutes Hannah

February 12, 2009

So, after two years of living in a showerless home, we finally got a “shower” put in at Squallyoaks. It’s a power-shower of sorts, that heats up water electronically (since we don’t have gas), and cost a mere £40. Bargain, right? That’s what I thought. Although it was slightly worrying when after only a week the thing started falling apart, leaving wires and buttons and other strange things hanging out of it. Now, I don’t know much about technology, but…

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Little Sibling

February 10, 2009

Little siblings are a strange breed. When you think about it, they’re essentially just miniature, more refined versions of you. They’re your parents’ second, more experienced attempt. They’re the innocent to your guilty—the Able to your Cain. Well, that’s what my experience has been like anyway. My little brother is five years younger than me, and ever since the little bastard was born he’s taken on the role of being this smaller, more virtuous, more loved version of myself. It’s…

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Squallyoaks Gets Bombed… Sort Of

February 8, 2009

I was at home last night trying to make an instructional video on how to wash your hair when you have no shower and no hot water, when my flatmate Dominic came running into the room, screaming about how someone had planted a bomb in our back garden. Well, actually, that’s not the most accurate interpretation of what happened, and the mysterious object in the back garden wasn’t a bomb per se, but it was something that kind of looked…

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Squallyoaks Hearts Slaves

February 4, 2009

My house is super gross. Old news. I’ve said it a million times. But for some reason, after I posted those pictures of our home sweet home in disarray last week, my housemates all got super pissed off and had a big gang-up session on me, saying things like “You really should be more aware of other people’s feelings” and “We hate you.” Ugh, whatever! It seems like everything I do these days pisses someone off. But just for the…

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Snow Makes English People Crazy

February 2, 2009

British people don’t know how to deal with snow. It makes them crazy. It snowed about six inches last night, and now everyone has gone completely mad. It’s like post WW2 London out there right now. If I didn’t know better, I’d think it was idiot dust falling from the sky. I’m scared to leave the house. Being from New York, where we get roughly five million feet of snow every winter, I wasn’t fazed to see the fluffy white…

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