Monthly Archives

April 2009

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What’s an STD?

April 30, 2009

“Do you mind going down to the sex clinic and getting the morning after pill for me?” asked my flatmate Lydia yesterday morning. She was naked except for a pair of pale pink underwear and her face was covered in bright red lipstick. “Why don’t you just go and get it?” I asked, annoyed. Britain’s Got Talent was on TV and I was furious that she would even consider interrupting me with this trivial matter at such a crucial moment…

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Jesus Loves Me?

April 27, 2009

Yesterday, after a long hard day of sinning, I arrived home to find this not-at-all terrifying van parked outside my house. I decided to text the number on the van and ask this mysterious employee of Christ some questions that have been nagging at me for some time now. This is the text message conversation that ensued Your van is hilarious. Van Man: Yes, but seriously warning. Thanks for the warning. Let me return the favor. Are you familiar with…

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Boyz Rule

April 24, 2009

Tongue I’ve been living in a house with four other girls for two years now. Over time our menstrual cycles have synchronized. For those of you who think this is an urban myth, you’re wrong. It’s something to do with pheromones… or licking each other’s vaginas too often- I don’t really know. But the fact is, during that time of the month, walking into our house is like throwing yourself at an inbred family of redneck polar bears. It’s terrifying.…

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The Ugly Truth

April 21, 2009

Written as part of my column for Platform When I was thirteen, my mother gave me the talk. It changed my life forever. “Karley,” smiled my mother, laid out on her bright yellow beach chair. “It’s time.” We were on our annual family vacation to the New Jersey shore, and she loved taking these sunny opportunities to teach me “life lessons.” It made her feel wise. “You’re a teenager now,” she continued, “which means there are some things you aught…

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Cover Girls!

April 14, 2009

My flatmates and I are in the new Cover Girl commercial for Cover Girl Outcast Mascara! Here is a sneak peak of the commercial which will air on TV next week.

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Squatter Turned Soldier

April 9, 2009

Ollie in his favorite outfit My friend Ollie is joining the army. Ollie is a squatter with a penchant for spray-painting trains, raiding supermarket bins, and just generally putting himself into the most shameful situations possible. This time, however, he’s taken his love of defiance to a new level, and is enlisting in the army on the basis that it’s the single most nihilistic thing he could think to do. You know, that whole ‘losing all hope is freedom,’ thing.…

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Sad Face

April 6, 2009

Uuugggghhhhhh. If I give one more hospital hand-job I’m going to hang myself. People my age shouldn’t have to deal with such woes as sneakily performing fellatio under hospital gowns, or clumsily attempting to screw behind a medical curtain. These troubles should be reserved for the terminally ill, not beautiful people at the height of their sexual desires. I live a burdened existence. A medical curtain, or “privacy curtain” as it is sometimes referred, is the blue, paper drape that…

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