Monthly Archives

May 2009

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Acid

May 26, 2009

Marcel by Matthew Stone “There’s a dead bird in the basement and I think it might still be alive!” shouts Hannah. Hannah’s new cat William just maybe or maybe not killed a pigeon and now she’s flipping out.  “Shut up, we’re on acid,” barks Bunny as he tosses an empty beer can toward the garbage bin, missing completely. Bunny is our newest housemate. He’s kind of sort of like this weird, sexually ambiguous feral child. Roughly twenty, sunken eyes, body…

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A Bedtime Story

May 14, 2009

So this girl I know, from high school- she was a T.O.T.A.L. slut. Seriously, she must have given, like, three hundred, no, five hundred blowjobs by the time she graduated. She sucked everybody’s dick. And I mean everybody. She loved that shit. Rumor has it she got her molars removed just so she could deep-throat even deeper. This girl, she was the real deal. A real-life cum dumpster. A living legend. So anyway, this slut, she would have a different…

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Squally Update

May 12, 2009

Squallyoaks living room Though I’m an avid atheist, lately, I’m beginning to think that perhaps I’ve got it all wrong. Maybe God himself really does exist. Maybe he did create the Earth in seven days. Maybe the guy really does own a talking pet snake. And maybe, just maybe, he really fucking hates me. Over the weekend my flatmates and I discovered that, for the fourth time in two years, our house has been plagued with an infestation of bed…

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Is Rape Cheating?

May 9, 2009

It’s that same age-old question we’ve been asking ourselves for years- the question that plagues our generation, and hangs over our horny, hungover brains like the proverbial Sword of Damocles: Does sex count as cheating if you’re doing it over the internet? For the past three months my friend Amanda has been meeting random guys on internet sex websites and fucking them over i-chat. Apparently it’s super fun. The problem is that Amanda has a boyfriend, and she can’t decide…

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The Technology of Teenage Kicks

May 7, 2009

This is an article originally written for the Vice Technology Issue entitled The Technology of Teenage Kicks, in which me and a hot guy from New York each conducted a scientific experiment to deduce what household items are the best to masturbate with. Here is an excerpt. Click link to read more. Enjoy!SHOWERHEAD I am a firm believer that the showerhead is God’s gift to women. In fact, my love for the showerhead is so strong that I now associate…

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X Factor

May 4, 2009

AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I’m auditioning for the X Factor this Wednesday! As you can probably guess this is a super big deal in my life, so I’ve been spending a lot of time rehearsing for it. I’m sort of nervous, but I’m also pretty confident because I’m actually quite amazing at singing. I have the whole package: the look, the attitude, the style and the voice. So, as a present for my fans (you guys), I decided to give you a sneak…

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