Monthly Archives

September 2009

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First Date

September 29, 2009

Friends=losers So, after five months of singledom, I finally went on my first “date.” Ugh… just typing that word sends shivers down my labia. I’m not really a “date” person—movies, hand holding, sober conversation—it’s just not my thing. I prefer to just fuck someone in a toilet somewhere, then if it turns out half OK consider doing in again, like, in a bed or something. You know, true romance and all that. This “date”, however, was slightly different. Let me…

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Whatever Stan

September 26, 2009

It’s been nearly a month since my intern Stan moved into Squallyoaks. He’s cool or whatever, although lately he’s been acting less like my personal slave and more like a friend/servant to everyone in the house. Rather than waiting on me hand and foot (which is what we originally agreed), he’s just been getting drunk, making friends and getting sexy with the other housemates. Why am I unable to maintain any position of power? The other problem with Stan is…

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Free Love

September 22, 2009

Our new squat: Acid House I’ve been feeling slightly out of touch with my emotions recently. It’s as if I’ve lost the ability to decipher one emotion from the next, and now everything just blends into one confused mess of sexual desire and general angst. I can’t tell if I’m happy or sad, depressed or elated, if I’m in love with someone of if I fucking hate them. It makes living a coherent existence somewhat impossible. I think I’ve been…

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Mother

September 17, 2009

Pic by Matthew Stone My mother doesn’t get me—that I didn’t go to university, that I live in a squat, that I write a blog detailing my love of casual sex and hard drugs, that I don’t have a “real” job, that I’m an atheist—these are all things she disapproves of fervently. And as any concerned mother should, she’s constantly reminding me of this fact in the form of lengthy, condemning emails detailing how much of a fuck up I…

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Wasted.

September 15, 2009

Kerri Eww I feel like I’ve been drunk for a hundred years. I spent Thursday through to Monday consuming a grotesque amount of alcohol and drugs, and now my brain feels like it’s swimming in a pool of battery acid. Some strange shit has been going down over the past four days though. I think it’s something to do with the air in our new squat… Spent Thursday night at home snorting ketamine and tattooing the name KANE into my…

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Intern Part 4

September 10, 2009

Applications to be my slave– oops! I meant intern – have been flooding in lately! And since Stan has become more just something I stare at and occasionally get to change my underwear, I figured, why not get another?! However, reading through people’s CVs got way boring, so I decided to ask the applicants for some more pressing information about themselves. You know, stuff I care about, like what they look like and which celebrities they want to fuck. Here…

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Gay Porn

September 8, 2009

Jack, Mavi, Little Matthew“…Uhhhh, wait… what was I talking about? Umm… fuck, shit, I can’t remember… whatever.” Bunny’s laid out on the floor, faded jeans and a shredded white T-shirt, his face buried in a copy of The P.I.X fanzine. “Oh, yeah… uuhhh, like… lube is expensive, right?” “Umm… yeah,” answers Mavi, lazily. Mavi’s our newest friend. She’s from Italy, speaks really loudly, and has a shaved head apart from a single ponytail that sprouts from the tippy top of…

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My Flatmate Is Becoming A Prostitute

September 3, 2009

My twenty-one year old flatmate is becoming a whore. Most people turn to prostitution out of desperation. My flatmate, on the other hand, is doing it because she’s horny. Since I met Jane Doe she’s always been into weird, fucked-up sex – stuff like getting fat hairy pervs she found on the internet to fuck her with household appliances. But now she’s taking her love of the perverse to the next level and becoming a full-on hooker. As of yet…

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