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September 2009


Intern Part 4

September 10, 2009

Applications to be my slave– oops! I meant intern – have been flooding in lately! And since Stan has become more just something I stare at and occasionally get to change my underwear, I figured, why not get another?! However, reading through people’s CVs got way boring, so I decided to ask the applicants for some more pressing information about themselves. You know, stuff I care about, like what they look like and which celebrities they want to fuck. Here is a selection of my most recent entrants. And please, let me know what you think. I trust your judgment implicitly – as long as I agree with it.


Erin (aka Rainbow Starcloud Flowerchild), 19, York

Describe yourself in seven words.
Attracted to both boys and family pets.

What’s the best thing about you?
That would be my face. I did drama at GCSE level and it really pays off in day to day life. I can pull any expression you throw at me. Sad, happy, excited… you name it, pal, I can do it. People are normally very impressed with this and I always receive praise. Both that and my singing.

Why do you think you are right for the internship? What are your skills?
I am right for the internship as I am very easily manipulated and accommodating so I would cater to ALL your needs. Yum yum. I also have some cool rollerskates, which I have learnt some rad tricks on, my dog pulls me along on them too.

Name three people you’d like have sex with and why.
1. Des O’Connor: Now, not when he was younger – and preferably in the shower.

2. Mark Renton: Vulnerable and hot, especially in the hallucinating baby on ceiling scene.

3. Enrique Iglesias: Self explanatory? I like his mole.

Daniel Devine, 20, London

Describe yourself in seven words.
Daniel. Devine. Is. Bad. At. Describing. Himself.

What’s the best thing about you?
My record collection.

Why do you think you are right for the internship? What are your skills?
Because I have no other interesting jobs at the moment.

Name three people you’d like have sex with and why.
Keira Knightley: Do I need to elaborate?

Pocahontas: I’m feeling native.

Anyone who will let me.


Dan, 30, Brighton

Describe yourself in seven words.
Clean, fast, cheap, sarcastic, meretricious, dedicated, articulate.

What’s the best thing about you?
I’m a great person to have around – entertaining, fun, good conversation, and I’m a funky dancer.

Why do you think you are right for the internship? What are your skills?
I’m a great writer, both analytical and imaginative. I’m dedicated to writing. Also I make a great cup of tea and I’m tall enough to reach things on even the highest shelves. Oh and I have an English degree.

Name three people you’d lo like have sex with and why.
Sarah Silverman: She looks so good but she talks so bad!

Shakira: If you watch her new video on mute with the radio on it’s actually quite good.

Anyone who gives me a job – and that’s a promise you can cut your hair with!


Leanne, 19, London

Describe yourself in seven words.
Concealed, sporadic, phat, sarcastic, diligent, imaginative, waster.

What’s the best thing about you?
My life is a shambles – a useless, confused existence where love and money are a rare occurrence. Yet somehow things aren’t all bad.

Why do you think you are right for the internship? What are your skills?
I’m right for the internship as I really feel my life is wasting away. I have the drive to do something I’m interested in and wanting to learn about. I’m not going back to uni because it’s not hands-on enough. For the moment, my drive is getting this internship and seeing where it can lead to. I am not focused on a set area or just have a dead mindset to only learn that one square of skill. I’d be there for the whole. I’m also a photographer.

Name three people you’d lo like have sex with and why.
Yannis Philippakis: If he fucks like he makes music, he’ll be like a god or something.

Peter Serafinowicz: He was in Black Books and Spaced, and a lot of other shows. He was the first guy I had a remotely sexual dream about, and his voice does to me what it does to Fran in Black Books.

Florence Welch: I don’t think I’m gay but I would be
for her.


Bruno, 24, Dublin (via Argentina)

Describe yourself in seven words.
Charming Argentinian following his heart and your blog.

What’s the best thing about you?
I’m helpful and open-minded.

Why do you think you are right for the internship? What are your skills?
Me and you would get on really well. I make music and write all the time. Seeking new lands, music, art forms, and seeing people pass in the streets is something I love, then I write about, at least I try.

Name three people you’d lo like have sex with and why.
The girl off the internship article photo, because that’s why I am applying.

Liv Tyler, so I can hear her elfin orgasm, and maybe get near Aerosmith and tell them how I don’t like them.

Finally I think I would have anal sex with the Argentinian president because she has maybe never had it, so she can feel what she does all the time with us.


Gay Porn

September 8, 2009

Jack, Mavi, Little Matthew

“…Uhhhh, wait… what was I talking about? Umm… fuck, shit, I can’t remember… whatever.” Bunny’s laid out on the floor, faded jeans and a shredded white T-shirt, his face buried in a copy of The P.I.X fanzine. “Oh, yeah… uuhhh, like… lube is expensive, right?”

“Umm… yeah,” answers Mavi, lazily. Mavi’s our newest friend. She’s from Italy, speaks really loudly, and has a shaved head apart from a single ponytail that sprouts from the tippy top of her skull. “Wait… what did you say? I wasn’t listening.”

“What, me?” asks Bunny, not looking up. He looks fucked. He always looks fucked. He’s not, though—he’s just really good at making himself appear only half there. “Uhh… I can’t remember. Oh, yeah… whatever, uh, like, lube is expensive.”

“Oh… yeah,” agrees Mavi. “Wait, what’s lube again?” Her English is kinda shit. “Oh, no wait, never mind… I know what that is.”

The two of them sit in silence, not looking at each other, thinking about either sex or Tyra Banks or nothing. After about ten minutes Bunny sits up, brushing his long blond hair from his face. “If you’re going to make a gay porn you’re gunna need a lot of lube, right?” he says to me.

“It’s soft core,” I say. “There’s not going to be any actual fucking. I mean, unless the guys want to, but I doubt that, considering most of the boys I’ve cast have been straight.” I look at him. His glazed-over eyes are fixed on the floor. “Why, you wanna be in it?”

“Uh… no,” says Bunny. “But I’ll help, like, hold the camera or whatever.”

“”I’ll help cast it,” says Mavi. She looks turned on.

“I’ll style it,” chirps in Little Matthew. He’s wearing a floor length Balenciaga gown, four inch heals and a black feather headdress. “Does this outfit make me look famous?”

If you haven’t already clock on, my latest ambition in life is to become a pornographer. I do this about every six months—find a new “life goal” with which to obsess over. Last time it was winning the X Factor. This time it’s, well, gay porn.

“I want it to be really hot,” I say, “like scarily hot. The guys need to be really thin, pretty, sort of androgynous looking. They can be gay or straight, but if they’re gay they can’t be too camp. I want to capture the act of two boys exploring each other, maybe even for the first time. And for this to work it has to be real. I don’t mind if it looks awkward, it just has to be, you know, beautiful.”

“…Uhhh yeah… wait, what? Oh yeah, umm… yeah whatever that sounds cool I guess,” says Bunny. He sounds kind of disinterested and like he doesn’t care, but that’s just his thing. I think it’s because his parents didn’t love him when he was a kid or something. “Where are we gunna film it?”

“In our squat, on my bed,” I say. I’m picturing two half naked boys on my bed, kissing, touching each other. It’s hot.

“Well if we’re going to make a gay porn, we should probably watch some gay porn for inspiration, right?” says Mavi. I nod in agreement and she walks off to get her computer. She returns and we spend the next two hours on watching hot guys fuck. When it’s over Mavi turns to me and says, “That was cool, but our porn is going to have more, you know, LOVE in it, right?” And I say “Yeah, it is.”

Pics fr
om Tyranny of Planets


My Flatmate Is Becoming A Prostitute

September 3, 2009

My twenty-one year old flatmate is becoming a whore. Most people turn to prostitution out of desperation. My flatmate, on the other hand, is doing it because she’s horny. Since I met Jane Doe she’s always been into weird, fucked-up sex – stuff like getting fat hairy pervs she found on the internet to fuck her with household appliances. But now she’s taking her love of the perverse to the next level and becoming a full-on hooker. As of yet she hasn’t had full sex with any of her clients, but she’s done other stuff like humiliating rich men in public for cash, and acting as a professional girlfriend.

What is it about being a hooker that appeals to you?

Jane Doe: It’s just a sexual fantasy of mine. I like it because it’s wrong, it’s taboo. I want to be treated like shit, to be seen as a sex object, and for men to use me as they please. I get off on the idea of compromising my dignity for money. But even though I enjoy being submissive, ultimately I still retain control, because everything I do I’m doing on my own terms. I’m putting myself into these contexts.

What was your first experience being paid for something sex-related?

About six months ago, I had a financial slave for a while. He was a middle-aged Asian man who paid me to hit him and humiliate him in public. Because it was the first time I’d ever done anything like this, I wasn’t super confident, and I don’t think I was exactly what he was looking for. But we met up a few times and he’d give me a couple hundred pounds to treat him like shit.

Tell us about your job as a professional girlfriend.

I recently found a guy on advertising for a paid girlfriend. He’s a classical musician and regularly attends music events and concerts, and basically just wants to have a hot girl to bring along with him.

What does the job entail?

Just dressing up nice, going with him to these events, and being affectionate to him – like holding hands and kissing and stuff.

How much does he pay you?

For this I make £50 an hour. It’s not a massive amount but it’s more than most jobs and I enjoy it.

What do you think of Secret Diary of a Call Girl?

I’ve actually never seen it. Funnily enough I haven’t seen much of the glamorised, media side of prostitution. I mean, I saw Pretty Woman when I was a kid, but I’m not dumb enough to think that film reflects the life of a prostitute in any way. Having incredible sex, being bought lots of fabulous clothes, and then giving up prostitution – that’s far from what I want. I want is to be humiliated and abused and treated like an object, because that’s the fantasy – to be paid for sex.

So you’re not doing it for the money?

No, I’m doing this because I enjoy it, and because of that I won’t feel pressured into doing anything I don’t feel comfortable with.

Do you ever get scared?

I haven’t yet. I take every precaution, and I’m a good judge of character. I feel just as safe doing what I’m doing as I do walking down the street in a mini skirt.

What’s the most recent job you’ve done?

A couple days ago I met with a guy who was looking for someone to take shopping and to model lingerie for him. We met at Harrods, we had champagne in the bar, and then he picked out lingerie for me to try on. As we walked around the store he wanted to hold my hand and put his arm around me a lot, but I didn’t have to kiss him. Then he watched me as I changed in and out of the underwear.

Was he hot?

I wasn’t into him physically, no, but I was turned on by the situation.

Did he buy you anything?

Yeah, I got a bra and a thong, which came to £442, and a pair of stockings, which cost £74. But I actually ripped the stocking as I was pulling them on. I’m not much of a lady to be honest.

Would you say you’re generally a horny person?

Ha ha, yeah, for sure. My horniness is tickled by all the sexy emails and texts I receive every day because of the job, but I definitely have the ability to relate even the most mundane things back to sex.

What are you into in bed?

Anything submissive, really. I like being spanked, being tied up, being blindfolded, and being made to feel vulnerable. I’m not actually that into pain, though. Recently I had a guy put clamps on my nipples and on my clit and I wasn’t into it.

Do you ever worry that you’re being naive, and that the reality of prostitution will be far different from the fantasy?

I guess I’ll only know if I’m being naive if it all goes horribly wrong, but I’m willing to take the risk.

Well, I hope you’re not being a total fucking idiot. Play safe, I love you!