Monthly Archives

November 2009

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Thanksgiving

November 28, 2009

So like Thanksgiving is this random holiday that we celebrate in America where everyone eats lots of food, watches football on TV, and takes awkward family photos in their backyards. I think it has something to do with being thankful for stuff, pilgrims learning how to grow corn, and not killing Native Americans… but no one really knows for sure. I personally use Thanksgiving as an excuse to lay around like a slob, shove my face full of food and…

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Platform: Drunk On Jesus

November 25, 2009

So I’m back in my loser hicksville hometown in upstate New York, where I’ll be spending the next five weeks suffering at the hands of my insane, radical Christian parents. Think extreme praying, book burnings, and the complete lack of anything to do with sex, drugs or fun. Hurray! Still, no matter how terrifying or embarrassing or Jesus-loving my parents can be at times, it’s still nice to take a little vacation from my otherwise ultra-deprived and inherently hellish London…

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Hanging With Whores

November 20, 2009

Pic Matthew StoneFor three months now I’ve been living with a prostitute. Not surprisingly, her adventures as a hooker have made her lots of like-minded, streetwalker, not-at-all-classy friends. Yay! This means by default most of my recent nights-in have been spent sitting around my living room with a bunch of whores, listening to them “get real” over stories of differing brands of thrush creams and their ever-sagging labia. Sex!!! Not to mention they always use up all the tea bags,…

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Platform: Dumped

November 17, 2009

  Seven months ago my boyfriend of five years dumped me. I’m not really sure why. Probably to become gay. Who knows? But I can honestly say that I’ve handled this break-up with the least amount of dignity and grace that I possible could. Yup, I’ve taken every available opportunity to continually embarrass and shame myself, never turning down the chance to look like a total psychopath madwoman from break-up hell. In hindsight, some of the things I did were…

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Sigils

November 15, 2009

sigil |ˈsijəl| noun an inscribed or painted symbol considered to have magical power. I decide I want to hold one of Bunny’s weird masturbation ritual things in order to ask God or Satan or whoever to make my ex-boyfriend fall back in love with me. So I get out of my bed which I haven’t left in four days, wipe the drool lines off my face with a dirty sock and wander our dark, sad hallways, looking for Bunny. I…

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No More Sex

November 12, 2009

Stavin Chains play party at Squallyaks. Pics by Matthew Stone So I’ve realized that I’m still intensely and disgustingly in love with my ex-boyfriend. Hell. I ran into him in the street a couple days ago after not seeing him for nearly five months, and I swear I could feel my ordinarily cold heart begin to melt. It was horrible. After crying in his lap for half an hour whilst he kept making excuses as to why he had to…

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Platform: Fucked-Up Fantasies

November 3, 2009

Recently, my ever-horny BFF Sarah decided she wants to be “raped.” Previous fantasies of Sarah’s include having sex with a senior citizen, having a threesome with a married couple and fucking a blind guy (which I’m pretty sure she stole from me). But the problem with Sarah is (aside from the fact that her vagina probably looks like downtown Baghdad), when she really wants something, she finds a way to get it. This is why I’m slightly worried about her…

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Porn Is Ruining My Life (And Brain)

November 3, 2009

Hannah at GIRLCORE I’ve come six times today. Whatever. No big deal. My vagina currently feels like a piece of five-week-old deli meat and I’m finding it slightly difficult to walk, but it was totally worth it for those beautiful, magical, short bursts of ecstasy. God I love porn. I’m back in NYC for a few days. I’m here writing a feature about the amazing Courtney Love (yes, I sometimes write about stuff that veers beyond the subject matter of…

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