Monthly Archives

December 2009

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Weed Is Like Sooo Deep

December 30, 2009

I’m down to my last few days in upstate New York. As I’ve said before, there’s not much to do around here, so last night to cure our boredom my brother Robbie and I locked ourselves in his bedroom for six hours, got way too stoned and had a heart-to-heart about life, sex, who we are as people, and lots of other embarrassing shit (all equally as deep). Normally I don’t smoke weed as it makes me feel all dark…

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Meet My Fucking Family You Dicks

December 26, 2009

As I’ve said many times over, I grew up in a really small town in upstate New York. Lots of Jesus freaks, lots of meathead high school heroes, lots of inbred children eating cigarette butts—really deep. I made my escape to London five years ago, but every Christmas I journey back to hicksville to spend some quality time with my radical Christian parents. The following is an introduction to a bunch of people who are (allegedly) related to me, as…

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Missing Stan…

December 24, 2009

  I’ve been feeling sort of sad lately. I’m not sure why, really. I guess in a way I miss London. Not to say I don’t love spending time with my family and hometown friends—I really do (especially my gay vegan brother: coolest dude ever). But I do find that whenever I come back home I just feel like there’s a part of me that’s… I don’t know… missing. However, my sadness was temporarily mended today when I received the…

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Platform: Outlook Cloudy

December 23, 2009

Life back at my parent’s house in Nowheresville continues to stimulate. Here’s an update on what’s been happening in the pointless black chaos that is my life. I think my mother’s having some sort of weird mental breakdown. She turned fifty earlier this year, and ever since she’s been acting completely nutso. I keep telling her that the age of acceptable craziness it at least sixty-five—maybe even older—but she seems to think turning fifty gives her free reign to scream…

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Wheelchair Kid = Totally Obsessed With Me

December 19, 2009

Perfect Last week I wrote a blog post about my ongoing obsession with Colin, the wheelchair kid out of The Secret Garden. This entry followed a written love letter I sent to Colin’s work address, with the intention of conveying my eternal affection for him both as a beautiful, damaged child as well as an adult (sort of), in hopes that we would one day meet and get married and have lots of little wheelchair bound babies. My dream has…

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Platform: Ménage à Trois

December 16, 2009

For a while now I’ve been somewhat obsessed with the idea of entering a three-way relationship. Not a threesome, mind you—this is more than just sex. I’m talking about an intimate, functioning relationship occurring between three people. Let’s face it… sex has gotten boring. This is the only logical next step. I’m not sure what it is exactly that attracts me to three-way love affairs. It probably has something to do with the way they’re portrayed in literature and film—so…

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Squally Update: Dark Times

December 11, 2009

R.I.P. Squallyoks 3 For once I’m extremely glad not to be in London, dealing with all the psychotic bullshit that goes along with being a member of Squallyoaks. Why, you ask? Well… In the three weeks since I’ve been back in New York, my squatmates and I were evicted from our former house (a massive, four-story office building in Elephant and Castle) which we occupied for just over two months [photo above]. The standard procedure when being evicted from a…

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Wrong

December 9, 2009

  The first time I met Bunny he had a seizure. Well, he pretended to have a seizure, but I wasn’t aware of this at the time. We were both on acid. Blissed-out, we were listening to records in my living room when Bunny suddenly began convulsing, collapsing onto the floor in a violent surge. At first I couldn’t tell if what was happening was real or just in my head. I sat watching him in awe for what seemed…

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Currently Stalking My First Love

December 7, 2009

My first ever sexy urge came when I was just eight years old, the moment I laid eyes on Colin, the wheelchair kid out of The Secret Garden. I didn’t know what sex was exactly, but the instant I saw him—his limp red hair, his sickly skin, his tiny, fucked-up legs—I knew I needed that beautiful, broken boy inside me. So you can imagine my excitement when I recently learned that Colin (real name Heydon Prowse) is now living in…

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PLATFORM: Hella Bored!

December 2, 2009

I’m suffering from a bad case of writers block. Well, perhaps my case would be better defined as a lack of immediate inspiration. Back in Squallyoaks I was constantly stimulated, forever surrounded by a flock of rousing young souls—hookers, shitheads, shamans, stupid junkie faggots, nymphomaniacal sociopaths—all of whom I both love and loath equally. But here, in the bleak and lonely confines of my parent’s house in upstate New York, I’ve got no one to incite me. No one to…

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