Monthly Archives

October 2010

Uncategorized

Dick Slaves

October 11, 2010

Dear girls/gays,

Was Cosmo your bible when you were 14? It was definitely mine. It’s where I learned how to give a BJ, that spit just won’t cut it when it comes to anal, and that the burning sensation when I peed wasn’t AIDS but in fact a UTI. But have you flipped through a copy of it recently? I did, and it’s certainly not the insightful and prophetic sex guide my teenage brain thought it was. It’s actually more like an instructional pamphlet on how to be a desperate, man-pleasing robot. Literally every article is about the different ways you can and should bend over backwards to please a dude. You’re worthless unless someone’s inside you, basically. No wonder we’re all such dick slaves.

Here’s some of the inane (and shockingly antifeminist, considering it’s a magazine for women by women) advice that Cosmo is currently giving out. I’m actually terrified to think this is the stuff girls are reading during their segue into sexual maturity.

1. From the article “The 6 Things Guys Notice 6 Seconds After You Meet”

Newsflash: Dudes like to look at your chest! Now, that’s not to say they think all women should unbutton their shirts to their bellybuttons at funerals. (Though really, who are guys to judge?) But they WILL notice how you’re showing off what you’ve got.

Translation: Get your boobs out or no one will love you.

2. From the article “20 Fun, Fearless Ideas to Help You Meet a Man”

Hit a sports bar the next time a game is on. Wear a tee with the logo of the team you’re cheering for, and sit near a guy rooting for the same team. You can connect over your shared fandom.

So basically forget all of your actual interests and instead just pretend to be into sports because dudes LOVE sports, and it’s not about you, it’s about him, duh! Also there’s nothing hotter than tricking someone into liking you under false pretenses.

3. From the article “The body Language Of His Hands”

When a guy is happy with how things are going, he’ll often make this sign of approval without realizing it. For example, he may rest his hand on the table this way if he feels a date is going well.


What, you didn’t know guys make upside-down “A OK” hand symbols when they’re happy? Moron.

4. From the article “8 Things Guys Notice About You Instantly”

Your Hip-to-Waist Ratio!
Men instinctually look for baby mamas. If your waist is noticeably smaller than your hips, it signifies fertility — a huge point in your favor. A wide belt will emphasize that hourglass shape.

So now I have to wear a wide belt to signify my fertility to strange men? What if I’m infertile? Is wearing a wide belt like false advertising? Oh shit I forgot, we already established that’s OK.

5. From the article “How To Get Hit On All The Time”

Men find heels sexy. But that stiletto is even sexier when it’s dangling off your toes. A half-off shoe shows that you have a playful mind-set and you’re not planning on going anywhere. But if your legs are crossed when you do it (or anytime they’re crossed, for that matter), make sure your top leg is the one farthest away from the guy you’re into. Otherwise, he’ll get the impression that you’re closed off.

So basically when you’re out with your friends, instead of engaging in interesting conversation, you should be devoting 100% of your energy to dangling your shoe from your foot, while simultaneously working out which leg is meant to be crossed over what depending on the exact location of your crush (swapping legs as he moves, obvs).

6. From the article “The Secret To Getting Any Guy”

Always keep your group of girls nice and small. “It’s ideal to go out with just one or two other friends,” says relationship expert Krista Bloom, PhD, author of The Ultimate Compatibility Quiz. “If you’re with a larger group, pair off for 30-minute intervals to give guys the opportunity to come up to you.”

And again, you MUST remember that your sole mission in life is bagging a man! A night out with friends is really just an excuse to be around other humans, on the off chance that one of them might want to sleep with you.

7. From the article “Blow Him Away: Make Your Mouth His Favorite Place On Earth”

Some men enjoy having their testicles gently sucked, but few women like the feeling of hair in their mouths. Pre-oral, suggest a shower and shave; many guys claim that there’s something strangely erotic about watching a woman carefully shave their testicles – the swish of the razor and the consequent heightened sensitivity of bare skin can be highly arousing.

Are they just blatantly lying to us now? I definitely don’t know any guy who would be turned on by me running a razor over his balls (except maybe my slave actually). Also, guys shaving down there is bad vibes anyway! It makes your junk look like raw chicken, frealz!

8. From the article “100 Crazy Dirty Sex Questions”

Q – Is there a subtle way to spit out semen after oral sex?
A – Not really. Use a tissue, or go to the bathroom if it’s nearby.

WTF?

9. From the article “Women and Shoes: A Love Story”

There’s some serious mood-boosting going on when you try on any kind of apparel. “The neurotransmitter dopamine is released, providing a feel-good high, similar to taking a drug,” says Martin Lindstrom, author of Buyology: Truth and Lies About Why We Buy. “The dopamine increases until you swipe your debit card.” Usually, the high then flatlines, and guilt starts creeping in… except, that is, when the item you’re purchasing is a pair of shoes. “Shoppers rationalize shoes as a practical buy — something they can wear multiple times a week — so they hold on to that pleasurable feeling longer.”

Science talk!

10. From the article “50 Great Things to Do With Your Breasts” (lol)

This trick really makes your boobs look voluptuous: Stand in front of a mirror under an overhead light, and sweep bronzer over the dark areas underneath and between your breasts. Deepening the shadows that they create gives the impression of greater fullness.

Because he’s clearly not looking at your fucking face.

RECAP! What have we learned? 1) Pretending to be someone you’re not in order to bag a man is totally fine, even encouraged. 2) Have large breasts and have them on display at all times, otherwise no one will look at or care about you, and  3) You’re worthless unless someone’s fucking you, so if that’s the case you better sweep some fucking bronzer on your tits STAT, because if you don’t confuse someone into fucking you soon, well, you’ve got no reason to live.

Uncategorized

Revenge of the Nerds

October 8, 2010


For those insightful enough to have long appreciated the extensive hotness of the male nerd (i.e. myself), I commend you. For years our world has been an abundant Petri dish of freaks, geeks and genetic anomalies, from which we’ve had our pick. Now, come 2010, thanks to nerd heroes like Michael Cera, Jesse Eisenberg and that wheelchair kid from Glee, geek and heartthrob have basically become synonymous. Now every normal girl thinks it’s “cool” to have a boyfriend with lanky limbs who stutters and blinks too often. Despair.


Growing up, I did very well with the opposite sex. This wasn’t because I possessed any particularly redeeming qualities (I was pretty average, like a 7), I just constantly fell for the boys no one else wanted. The rejects, if you will. While my airheaded peers were fighting over What’s His Face in the football jersey, I was hid behind the arthropod tank in the science lab, giving HJs to the captain of the Mathletes. Come prom season, when all the sluts starting dressing even more slut-like to lure the school’s handsome, non-deformed male population, I was masturbating over love letters from Stanley Reichstein, the kid with the giant hearing aids who no one would sit next to at lunch. I looked beyond the stereotype and saw the geeks for what they truly were: intelligent, loving, untapped ass.

We all know that people, like everything, go in and out of style. The 80s were all about the bad boy. Girls fawned over hunky, rebel types like Christian Slater and 21 Jump Street era Johnny Depp. In the 90s chicks jerked it to pretty boys like Leonardo Di Caprio, Freddie Prinze Jr. and homos in boy bands. The millennium praised meathead jocks (and there’s too many to even begin mentioning without the onset of nausea). For decades the masses have applauded, even worshiped the absence of intelligence and good nature. Yeah, geeks experienced short success in the mid 90s, spearheaded by alternateen dreamboats like Rivers Cuomo and Jarvis Cocker, however they were still only admired by an elite few (i.e. weirdo alt. girls with heavy fringes), so it doesn’t really count. It was, for all intents and purposes, a world void of sexual meritocracy.

Then came a little movie called Superbad in 2007. This unknowingly powerful film initiated a shift in the preferred male aesthetic, and since then it’s been like real life Revenge of the Nerds. The days of Varsity Blues are over. Today it’s all about geek pride films like Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist and Adventureland. The biggest superhero movies so far this year were Scott Pilgrim starring Michael Cera, and Kick Ass starring Christopher Mintz-Plasse (AKA McLovin). WTF? Michael Cera is basically the world’s most desired male. Literally 99% of the vaginas on this earth wish they were wrapped around his cock. Even my mom wants to fuck him, and she’s a 52 year old radical Christian. And now, on the brink of the release of The Social Network–the computer nerd glorification film to end all computer nerd glorification films–it’s most definitely the end of the world as we know it.

Point being, society has evolved to a place where the nerd is no longer the underdog. While in the past the nerd was defined by his estrangement from all that is cool, now, he’s the hero. And though I do find it kind of annoying that I suddenly have to compete with every One Tree Hill-quoting normal girl for all the 4-eyed hotties, deep down, I’m grateful to live in a world that values the nerd. Because being smart is cool. It just is. And the fact that people are recognizing this on a global scale is restoring my faith in the human race.

And now, on the brink of the release of The Social Network–the computer nerd glorification film to end all computer nerd glorification films–it’s most definitely the end of the world as wePoint being, society has evolved to a place where the nerd is no longer the underdog. While in the past the nerd was defined by his estrangement from all that is cool, now, he’s the hero. And though I do find it kind of annoying that I suddenly have to compete with every One Tree Hill-quoting normal girl for all the 4-eyed hotties, deep down, I’m grateful to live in a world that values the nerd. Because being smart is cool. It just is. And the fact that people are recognizing this on a global scale is restoring my faith in the human race.
Uncategorized

The Opus Dei Look

October 1, 2010

Opus Dei used to be super underground until The Da Vinci Code blew up their spot in 2003 and made them all mainstream. Kind of like Kim Kardashian after the sex tape. The book portrays Opus Dei as a bunch of hooded, albino murderers with a fetish for self-harm. It’s true that many members practice corporal mortification—self-inflicted pain as a pathway to deeper spirituality. However, what most people don’t realize is that OD are actually very phashion, and the garments they wear to torture themselves are super conceptual and trendy, like sexy garters that cut your legs when you walk, and funky vintage shirts that give you a rash. Beauty is pain bitches!

Opus Dei, in case you don’t read Dan Brown, is an organization of the Catholic church, widely thought of as the church’s most controversial force. There are roughly 90,000 members worldwide, 30% of which are celibate and practice “mortification of the flesh.” This is done in penance for one’s sins, imitating Jesus who willingly suffered on the cross. The following are some fashion must-haves if you want to get the Opus Dei look!

I don’t know about you, but I could totally see one of these on the runways of Paris and Milan. Comme Des Garçons anyone? A hairshirt cilice is a super scratchy garment worn close to the body made of coarse cloth or animal hair, intended to constantly irritate and chafe the skin. Sounds like a recipe for some raw nipples—ouch alert! Note: To be worn with nothing underneath, to maximize pain-effectiveness and overall sex appeal.

A metal cilice is a sharp chain with inwardly pointed spikes worn around the thigh. They’re sort of like those choker tattoo necklaces that were big in the late 90s, except they hurt a lot more. The cilice is generally worn voluntarily for two hours a day, and is apparently not intended to break the skin or draw blood. It’s just meant to be really, really fucking painful and annoying. A big fan of the cilice was the ever fierce Mother Teresa.

This is a must-have accessory for those who really want to rock the full Opus Dei look. The “discipline” is a cattail whip of knotted cords, usually made of woven cotton string. It is used for the purpose of self-flagellation, being flung over the shoulders repeatedly during private prayer. Not hard enough to draw blood, though some tears are OK. Also, don’t be afraid to get creative with the “discipline”—dangle it from your belt loop, wrap it around your head like one of those faux-hippie forehead-band things—whatever!

This might look like any random rope you’d find lying on the floor of your sex dungeon, but do not be fooled. This cilice belt, made specially with coarse goatskin for added itchiness, will give you a rash worse than that time you shared a bed with your cousin with the ringworm arm.

Below are a couple samples from the user feedback on cilice.co.uk.

With the cilice belt pulled tightly between my legs in a double strand, it literally splits me open and in two. It literally rubs me raw and leaves me bleeding on occasion. Additionally, it sometimes catches and pinches when I move and that results in a sudden blinding white-hot pain, nowhere even near to arousing. Perhaps by chastising these private parts of our bodies, desire for pleasure turns to association with pain and the desire simply dies down. – Clare

I recently purchased the sackcloth hairshirt from cilice.co.uk. It is a more or less constant irritation to my skin and the points of itching change constantly. After wearing it for a couple of hours, I have not gotten used to it and it continues to irritate, itch, and sometimes chafe my skin especially over my shoulders but also all over my back and chest. It is a very good penance and reminds me of how Jesus suffered for me and that I have to always be aware of my sinful nature and fight temptation. – Scott