Monthly Archives

November 2010

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My Landlord is an Ex-Albanian Pop Star

November 30, 2010

A few years ago my landlord Sam–stage name SMAjL LiKA–was a pretty big deal in New York’s Albanian club scene. Men idolized him and women went crazy for his silky jackets and bright red face. Unfortunately, Sam suffered a stroke before making it big, and now he works as a landlord and has a weird claw hand. His favorite activity is talking about when he used to be famous. Last night the two of us sat down over a couple…

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A Loko Thanksgiving

November 28, 2010

My beautiful mother As many of you already know, the caffeinated, alcoholic beverage Four Loko was recently banned in New York–with many other states following suit–for encouraging binge drinking. Apparently Four Loko’s extremely high alcohol content (12%) combined with the caffeine causes fans of the drink to “blackout” and make “life mistakes” which they later go on to “regret.” Not surprising really. Consuming just one can of the $3 beverage is said to be the equivalent of drinking six beers…

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The Hottness

November 26, 2010

Twin Magazine recently called upon me to write an article about teen lust, to accompany Ross McDonnell‘s sexed-up images of American youth. What I wrote went something like this: To the lustful: Having copious amounts of awkward teenage sex is totally warranted, even encouraged. Just remember these three vital rules: 1. Always wear condoms, even though they do kind of suck. 2. Sex with someone you love is a million times better than with someone you don’t, but both can…

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Hamilton Morris, Prophet of Pharmacology

November 24, 2010

All photos @ Slutever Hamilton Morris is a young writer, chemist and filmmaker. He is a wizard of pharmacology, a psychedelic explorer, a maestro of all things mind altering. You may know Hamilton from his column in Vice, Hamilton’s Pharmacopia, where he writes about drugs and their effects to a fanatical degree. He is also the man behind the VBS documentary series of the same name. In his most recent doc, NZAMBI, Hamilton travels to Port-au-Prince to investigate the strange…

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Dearest Felix

November 16, 2010

Photo @ Slutever It’s 5pm or whatever time the sky starts getting dark now, maybe even earlier. I’m in my bedroom, stabbing at the chunks of solidified jizz in my hair with a mangled comb, trying to remove just enough of the jizzy snarls to make it OK to walk to the deli to buy coffee. I stab and stab, unsuccessfully, aggressively kneading handfuls of conditioner into the sex nest, but the conditioner’s thick, white gooeyness only makes it more…

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Bunny: Puke

November 13, 2010

Kane and Kerri “Every time I smile… I puke,” says Kane from somewhere far behind his fringe. He cowers, coughing miserably, flung on the floor where he’s hunched above his beer soaked notebook filled with tiny Pikachus and Dragonballs and naked school girls with blue hair and big eyes and all kinds of other sick shit that, he tells me, he could show me if I really wanted, but, like, afterwards, I’d have to die.  We’re sitting in the living…

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A Conversation

November 9, 2010

Picture by Toyin Ibidapo As part of her thesis interior design project, my friend Amanda is publishing a book of short fiction by various writers, each story taking place in a different location at the same New York hotel. This was my contribution. —I want that bellboy. —What bellboy? —Oh my god, look at him, fumbling around with those suitcases. He’s so, like, weirdly hot. —That guy down there? With the limp? —Fuck, what is it about him? I’d totally let him bend…

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