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April 2013

Slutever Rants

Public Disgrace

April 30, 2013
Photos @ Slutever

A couple months ago, while on a trip to San Francisco, I had the pleasure of being an audience member during the filming of Public Disgrace. This was extremely exciting, as I’m a huge and long-time Public Disgrace fan. (Sorry mom!) If you’re not familiar, PD is a porn site that’s part of the empire–Kink being the largest BDSM porn company in the world– that specializes in hardcore, public sex. Most episodes of PD follow a similar pattern–a submissive girl is dragged out in front of an audience, after which she’s stripped, bound, punished, gangbanged, ass-fucked, tortured, etc. Hot, right?

Public Disgrace was founded by Princess Donna, a porn actress/director, and she runs the show on all the PD shoots. So basically in each video Princess Donna acts as the dominant woman, and she controls the humiliation of the female sub by directing how the gangbang ensues. Along with founding Public Disgrace, Donna also founded such classics as (another fave of mine–can’t get enough of those against-her-will gangbangs these days!), and, a sexual wrestling reality show (lol). The following is a quote from Princess Donna that I particularly liked, from an interview she did with the Village Voice: “I grew up in a Silence of the Lambs culture, a culture where rape and killing women are very common themes for movies and TV shows. Society isn’t afraid of sex and violence; they are afraid of women owning their own bodies and controlling their own sexuality—which is what happens in BDSM.”

But back to San Francisco. I was there with Richardson magazine, helping out with a project they were doing with Kink, which meant I got to hang out in the Kink studios. Pretty cool, considering it’s the place where the best fetish porn in the world is currently being made. Also, the mission is to “demystify and celebrate alternative sexualities,” which I consider an important goal of Slutever too, so being there felt, you know, “meaningful” or whatever.

As I briefly mentioned in the San Francisco episode of the VICE Slutever show, the Kink headquarters is an old military armory. The company purchased The Armory–a giant brick fortress the takes up an entire city block in SF’s Mission district– in 2006, and they’ve since transformed into into an insane bondage playground. The energy inside the place is incredible. When you walk in, as you move through the hallways, it has the appearance and professionalism of any standard film studio. But then you open a door and it’s like, ‘Oh, a woman being fucked by giant machines.’ And then you open another door and two guys are fisting each other. And then behind another door there’s a gangbang. But it’s all very casual, like, “Oh hey I have three dildos in my ass, but sure I’ll shake your hand, welcome to Kink!” #nbd. I was only there for one day, but I’m pretty sure I was involved in more conversations about enemas during my time there than ever before in my entire life. Every time you turned around someone was talking about having just had an enema, or needing to get one later, or once a man just shouted, “Anyone need an enema?” at a group of actors lounging around a set, and everyone just smiled and shook their head like, “Not right now, but thanks for asking!” I can’t lie–that made me feel a little weird. Then there was one point when I was watching this French girl have sex with a fuckmachine, and I started to feel sort of awkward, like “Am I supposed to turn away? Is it creepy if I’m smiling?” But as I looked around the room I realized that I was clearly the only person who was feeling any weirdness, which made me feel even weirder because I was like, “Wait, am I a square?!” Although I suppose it was sort of humbling to be the “normal” one in a sexual situation for a change.

The Kink Armory–impressive yo

Back to Public Disgrace. Since the series is usually filmed in front of an audience, there’s generally a couple hundred people from the San Francisco area invited to be in the crowd, and to partake, to an extent, in the gangbang action. The episode I watched had a house party theme, and lucky me, I got to ride in the production van from the Kink Armory to the shoot location. Also in the van was Princess Donna, pornstars Cherry Torn and Skin Diamond (who were the two female subs about to be publicly disgraced), two male porn actors (who join the crowd and lead the gangbang), and the rest of the crew–cameramen, makeup artist, producers, etc. During the ride one of the male actors–a cute, 23-year-old with curly blonde hair–confessed that this was his first hetero porn scene, and that even though he was straight, he’d only done gay scenes up until now. He seemed pretty nervous, and was asking Donna questions about how it would all go down.

“So, like… are you going to tell me when to fuck the girls?” he asked from the back of the van, his voice shaking. “How do I know when it’s the right time?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll help you,” Donna replied, not looking up from her phone.

“OK but like how–”

“Look,” she interrupted him, vaguely annoyed. “The main thing is, just don’t take your dick out if it’s not hard. No one wants a wet noodle–that’s a killjoy. And keep your clothes on. We don’t want you to be the naked person in the room. We want the girls to be the naked people in the room.” After that the boy didn’t ask any other questions, and instead spent the rest of the ride talking to the other male actor about how he might move to Australia because it “seems cool there.”

Meanwhile, I’m in the front of the van with Donna, contemplating whether or not I should fan-out at her about Bound Gang Bangs. I eventually went for it.

“Yeah, oh my god, it’s just the best,” I was saying, eyes wide. “My favorite episode is that one where the girl gets dragged out of that crib thing and then fucked by a group of men in stocking masks.”

“She’s in a cage?”

“No, not a cage, a crib.”

“Huh… I don’t know if I remember that one. Is the girl crying?

“Um, she’s not really crying but she’s life screaming for her life. I think they’re in a foreign country?”

Oh, the Russian birthday rape! Yeah, I remember that. Really fun shoot.”

Princess Donna in makeup

Once we arrived at the location, it was time for hair and makeup. While in the makeup chair, someone asked Cherry Torn the inevitable question: What do your parents think about what you do? Cherry just shrugged. “Given my troubled youth, by the time my mom found out I did porn, she was just like, “At least it’s legal.”

The heavily dolled-up makeup artist was suddenly very interested. “Oooh, tell us about your troubled youth!” she said excitedly.

“Well, I just really liked sleeping with 40 year old men off the internet,” said Cherry. “From 15 on I was a total jailbait ho, basically.”

“Oh, I love that!” said the makeup artist, clapping her hands.

“Then at one point I ran away for a month with this 42 year old guy, and my mom, who works in law enforcement, ended up finding out where I was and came and found me in this really spectacular manner. But the real eye-opener for my mom was when I did this long interview for Huster’s Taboo, and the production assistant stupidly sent my free copies to the address on my license, which was my mom’s house. Inside was a photo of me expelling a milk enema, and me talking about how I want black eyes, how I like getting my ass reamed, old dudes, slavery–all of it. My mom was like, ‘They make some of this stuff up just for the magazine, right?’ I was like, ‘Yes, yes they do!’”

Cherry and Skin pre-gangbang
Casual pre-gangbang photoshoot!

By the time the show was about to start, the venue was packed with more than a hundred people. Princess Donna got up and addressed the crowd. “Feel free to get involved!” she said with a smile. “You can touch the models, slap them, touch their boobs, you can put your fingers in their pussies and their asses, but no fluid exchange,” she said sternly. “And no telling the models that they’re bad at their jobs. OK, enjoy!” I found those boundaries sort of strange–ass fisting from stranger: OK; professional insult from stranger: NOT OK–but I went along with it. And so did everyone else. I was genuinely surprised by how involved the crowd got, how comfortable everyone was in the situation, and just the overwhelming positivity of the atmosphere. I mean, I know this is “San Francisco sex mecca” or whatever, but the people in the audience weren’t your stereotypical sex freaks. They were hipsters. It was literally a hipster gangbang. And it was SO fun. Afterward I was having a conversation with someone about the possibility of something like Public Disgrace, or just interactive public sex in general, becoming a socially acceptable form of entertainment. Like, “What should we do on Friday–bar or public gangbang?” It seems a bit extreme, but that night seemed proof to me that it’s not an implausible future.

View from my hotel–Bye!

Am I Normal? – Gay with Cerebral Palsy

April 25, 2013
Photo by Coco Young

Edward is a 25-year-old writer and editor living in New York City. He recently wrote an extremely funny and touching book about his life as a gay guy with cerebral palsy. The book will be out next year. I talked to Edward about dating, anal stretching, and what is means to “water your self-esteem plant.”

This may sound strange, but we’ve met in person many times, and I never knew you had cerebral palsy until you told me. I just thought you had quirky mannerisms.
Most people can’t tell. It’s like: He’s just gay! Gay or disabled. Not clear.

Lol. So is your CP mild?
It’s mild, but it’s still there. I have a limp. I was born with mild cerebral palsy, and CP really affects you the first 12 years of your life because you’re growing, so you have a lot of surgeries, and blah blah blah. I had leg braces and shit like that. Then, when I was seven I had an Achilles tendon lengthening surgery. So that was pretty intense. I had a body cast for two-and-a-half weeks, and I was in a wheelchair for three months. But it all levels out–you kind of plateau in a weird way–when you hit puberty. I was in physical therapy ever since I can remember. When I was younger, I had this fantasy about going to physical therapy and finding a CP BFF, and we’d commiserate about how sometimes we drool and how hard it is to put the key in the door.

What was your first dating experience like?
Well I came out of the closet when I was 17, my junior year of high school. I had met this guy who I was obsessed with, Sam. I remember seeing him across the quad wearing this Smiths t-shirt and thinking, “I need to be with him.” He was Mexican, tan and really beautiful. I knew he was gay – muscle shirts, The Smiths–hello! So I became friends with him, but I knew if I wanted to be with him that I had to be out of the closet. So I came out to everyone I knew in two weeks. It was great, I threw a party.

Did your parents care?
No, they didn’t give a shit. Give me a break. I don’t relate to the whole ‘tortured coming-out, Glee, It Gets Better’ thing. Being gay has always been pretty good for me. But anyway Sam and I started dating and it was my first teen love experience. I lost my virginity. It was really great.

Did Sam know you had CP?
Yeah, everyone in my town knew. I don’t think Sam knew exactly, but he obviously knew something was wrong with me. I remember talking to him about it one night when he slept over, and he just said, “I don’t care, it’s fine.” It was so validating to hear, because I genuinely thought I was going to be alone forever. Like I remember when I had my self-affirming “I’m gay” moment. I was 12 and watching Cruel Intentions, and I was like “Whoops, I like Ryan Phillippe better than I like Sarah Michelle Gellar.” I remember thinking, “This is it for me, no one is going love a gay guy with CP.”

Gay and CP–double whammy.
Oh yeah. It was like, “I’m fucked. See ya, that’s a wrap for me!” So getting validation from someone like Sam who was able-bodied and attractive was very, very crucial. I needed that. And we had a lot of sex.

What was the first time like?
Well the first time hurt a lot. What happened was – this is so insane – we tried to do a position with my legs in the air. Now, because of the CP my muscles are very tight. I am not flexible to say the least, honey. My legs can sort of go up–I mean, it’s not Cirque Du Soleil–but they go up to the point where you can get in. But it ended up not really working, and we had to stop a few times. In the end we just did it face-down with him on top of me. But I didn’t really like it, because I couldn’t see him.

Yeah, legs-up anal is too much for a beginner. I think you have to stretch it out first.
Yeah, exactly. For the first two weeks I thought something was wrong with me because sex hurt so badly. But of course, once my asshole got stretched out it was like ‘Oh hey girl hey,’ forever.

So you became more sexually confident after Sam?
Well when we were dating I was still violently insecure. Sam was really beautiful and I was this schlubby, awkward-looking 17-year-old with CP. I always had the suspicion that people were looking at us thinking, “What is Sam doing with him? He can do so much better.” Then there was this horrendous girl at my high school. She hated herself, so she was a mean girl. And at one point she said to a group of my friends, “What the fuck is Sam doing with Edward? He has cerebral palsy. That is sick.”

What a cunt.
Yeah, hearing that was horrifying. It was someone vocalizing my worst fears.

So what happened sex-wise after Sam?
Well we dated for eight months, until high school ended. Then after that me and my best girlfriend both dated the same guy for the entire summer. She would hook up with him, then I would go over and hook up with him. It was some 18-year-old Dreamers shit. But he was definitely gay and couldn’t get hard for my friend. She felt really embarrassed about it, so he told her that he had testicular cancer and that’s why he couldn’t get hard from a vagina.

Casual. So what happened in college?
Well post-high school I was feeling pretty sexually confident, and I was moving to San Francisco for college. I thought it was going to be my mothership, since San Francisco is obviously the gayest place on earth. But I ended up being celibate for two years!

Basically what happens with me is, having sex is like watering my self-esteem plant. But if I go a period of time without sex, then I go back into my, ‘I’m ugly, no one wants me because I have CP’ mindset, and part of me just shuts off completely. I become afraid of men. And that’s what happened in SF.

I relate to the “self-esteem watering” thing. I sort of hate it, because I don’t want my confidence to be directly related to someone wanting to have sex with me. I want to feel good because I create cool things, ya know? But I also can’t help that sexual attention makes me feel good.
Yeah, of course. Shit, how do we get more confidence?

No clue. So anyway, no one in New York seems to know that you have CP. How come?
I’ll give you the full story: When I was 20-years-old I got hit by a car in San Francisco, and I developed this thing called compartment syndrome. The car hit me and crushed my elbow, which cut off circulation to the muscles and they started to die. I was in the hospital and I had four surgeries in three weeks. Then, when I moved to New York after college, people assumed that I was just an accident victim, and I just didn’t bother to correct them.

Why not?
I was never comfortable having cerebral palsy. It’s just something that no one can ever understand–they are confused by it, it’s taboo. You could get hit by a car today, but you could never have CP. So people are a lot more comfortable with the idea of me being “the guy who got hit by a car” than someone who has been living with CP his entire life. And you can’t turn down sex with someone who got hit by a car–that’s just fucked up.

My ex-boyfriend was disabled; he wore leg braces and walked with crutches. He did a similar thing to you–if someone asked him what was wrong, he would say he had a broken leg.
Yeah, like it’s none of their fucking business. It’s a can of worms that just doesn’t need to be opened every goddamned day. So moving to New York was like an instant confidence boost again, because it was like I didn’t have CP.

It was an opportunity to be reborn.
Exactly. And I started dating again in a real way. I moved to NYC when I was 21, and for the next four years there was never a lull. I felt so empowered, so cute and sexy. No one asked me what was wrong. It was the life I was always meant to have. And I got really busy with work and was earning writing success, and was hooking up with guys I never would have thought I’d have a chance with.

But wait, pretty soon everyone is going to know you have CP, because you wrote a book about it.
Yeah, writing the book was my way of coming to terms with it. It’s hard because I’m having to come out to my friends in New York, but I’m so ready. I actually think a lot of my current issues with my disability stem from me not being open about it.

So what’s your dating life like now?
To be honest Karley, I’ve been out of commish for a little while. I haven’t had sex in nine months.

That’s pretty long.
It’s a pregnancy.

So why no sex?
I don’t know. I was really busy with my book, especially since I was working full-time as an editor while writing it. But then, it’s typical of me to create excuses not to date someone. But now I’m making a conscious effort to make that part of my life again. I want to have a lot more sex.

Would you ever do stereotypical gay guy Grindr hookups?
No. I’m not wired that way. I’m too shy. I’m also scared of using OkCupid and then showing up with a limp. It’s a serious issue for me.

Would you ever join a fetish site in order to meet guys who are specifically attracted to people with disabilities?
No, I don’t want to feel fetishized. I need to know that someone would still like me regardless of disability. It feels like I’ll never have enough validation. Especially living in New York. It’s always like, “Why are they with me when there is a Ryan Gosling-esque guy around the corner?” There is this disconnect because I think I am an awesome person, I think I’m funny, I think I’m smart, but when it comes down to matters of sex and attraction, I don’t think I can measure up.

That’s weird, especially within our alternative, creative scene where people sort of praise weirdness. I feel like most interesting, creative people appreciate alternative forms of beauty. I’m never attracted to the classically beautiful type.
I wish I could find the guy version of you, Karley. Everyone is beautiful, it’s a dime-a-dozen. Give me something unique. I’m more attracted to that, too. I like guys with character.

Sexy Videos

How Not to Orgasm

April 23, 2013

Here’s a little instructional video for all of you sexually active people out there. The video was made by my friend, the lovely comedian Scott Rogowsky. I’m in it too. See if you can spot me.

Also: If you’re into laughing and happiness and awkward Jewish nerds (who isn’t?), then you should definitely go see Running Late with Scott Rogowsky–the live, late-night talk show that Scott hosts every other week at the Galapagos Art Space in Brooklyn. I’ve been a guest on it TWICE (nbd), and he’s also had some other OK-ish guests on the show too, like Rachel Dratch, David Cross and Amber Tamblyn, Jim Gaffigan, BIG ANG, etc. This Thurs, April 25th, the show will feature Carla from Mob Wives, author Sam Lipsyte, and Jake & Amir from College Humor. Be there or be square!

Slutever Rants

I’m Gay I Guess (Life is Hard)

April 19, 2013
Follow me on Instagram, I’m @karleyslutever

I’m randomly gay now. I feel very oppressed; life is a daily struggle. My girlfriend and I get evil glares in the street, Christians throw rotten fruit at us, we’re not allowed in certain restaurants, and although we can get married in our (very hip and progressive) home of New York City, as a whole our country is not really supportive of our (potential) desire for a legal union, and therefore I hate America now. So I’m leaving.

I’ve decided to escape to Europe for a couple of months. I haven’t spent any considerable amount of time there since I moved to New York from London almost three years ago now (eek–time flies!), but as of this weekend I will be living temporarily in Paris. My gf will be coming for part of the trip too. Very “romantic” (barf). The gay stuff isn’t actually the reason why I decided to leave. I, of course, am aware that idiotic homophobic people exist in France too (WHY can’t you just accept us for who we are?! We were born this way, GOD!), and that there has been a string of recent hate crimes in Paris connected with French parliament’s current debate over the gay marriage bill. However, hopefully as of next week gay marriage will be legal in France! Yay! A win for Team Us!

No but seriously, it’s actually lolz how much more concerned I have become with gay politics since dating a girl. Like last week, while watching a series of Youtube videos regarding Prop 8, I came across that famous video of Dan Savage talking about anti-gay bigotry at a high school journalism convention (the one where all the Christian high schoolers walk out when he starts criticizing the bible). I was watching the video in my kitchen, and it was making me weirdly emotional, and then in walked my roommate (who by the way is also gay–we roam in packs). And so she was like, “Are you OK? Why are you crying?” And I was like, “Oh, I’m just generally crying for gay rights. I care about this stuff now, because I’m gay.” And she just laughed at me and said, “You’re not gay, you’re just slutty. There’s a difference.” And I was all, “Uhh… excuse me, is this a hate crime?!”

One interesting thing I’ve discovered since crossing over to the dark side is that gay sex is a lot more inventive than straight sex. Since “normal” P-in-V fucking isn’t an option, you have to be creative, and think up other ways to get off. Like I realize the question, “How do lesbians have sex?” seems sort of stupid and naive, but I honestly wasn’t entirely sure of the answer when I got into this. I know that people throw around the term “scissoring” a lot, but let me just tell you, that straight-up doesn’t work. And of course there’s oral, but you’re not always in the mood for that, and it’s also so one-sided. Taking turns giving and receiving pleasure is cool occasionally, but usually it’s the most fun if you’re both getting-off together, ya know? And the same problem exists with strap-ons. I did give in and buy a strap-on a couple months ago, because I was like, “This is what lesbians do, right?” but we barely even use it. It can definitely be fun, but I tend to get self-conscious when she’s fucking me with it, because I feel like she’s bored and it just doesn’t feel like anything for her. Stressful.

So, what’s the solution? Well, the majority of the time we just do hand related stuff, but again, it’s hard to do that effectively simultaneously, because you really have to concentrate and put in some effort if you want to make someone cum with your hand, and like… it’s just hard to find a position where you can both touch each other’s clits and not be awkwardly lying on each other in an uncomfortable position or whatever. See–ughhhh, being gay is hard! However, we’ve recently adopted a new way of fucking that is my favorite yet. Basically, this new method just involves us being in our underwear and grinding up against each other. I Googled it, and the technical term for this is frottage. (Good word, right? Very glamorous/French.) So essentially, what happens is that we simply lie on top of one another and rub our crotches on each other’s legs. It’s surprisingly effective, and it’s very safe STD-wise, because you literally don’t even have to be naked. And I’m pretty sure you can’t get pregnant from it either.

I was recently talking to my gay guy friend about this whole “inventive gay sex” thing (him and his boyfriend are both gay librarians–cute), and he saying how it’s difficult for gay guys because obviously it’s not always the “right time” to have anal sex. And I was like, “Oh, have you guys tried wiggling around on top of each other in your underwear?” and he was like, “Um… no…. but sometimes we masturbate together while holding hands.” I was like, “Aww, total cute alert!”

Anyway, I will soon be live-blogging my frottage encounters from Paris. I got some tips on hot Parisian sex parties and sex shops to check out too. Also, if you’re in Paris and want to invite me to cool stuff, email me here: <3

Sex + Love Advice

Ask Slutever

April 11, 2013

Photo by Ryan McGinley

Is it wrong to tell the person you’re dating that you wouldn’t mind if they gained a little weight?  I’ve been seeing a girl who is beautiful and very sweet, but I’ve always had a thing for girls who are a little curvier. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with her–in fact, she’s damn near perfect–but if she happened to want to not worry about her weight so much and gain a few pounds by eating some delicious meals, we could both be happy, right?  Is that so wrong?  Chevy

Why don’t you say to her: “I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that because you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.” And if she says, “What are you talking about, I’m not drinking milk right now,” you can just laugh and say, “I know baby, I was only making a joke. Oh and by the way I like fat chicks.”

Girls don’t like to be advised on issues of weight. We like to be told that we look perfect and then for you to walk away. However, there are ways that you can achieve your goal discretely, using tactics such as subliminal messaging and deception. For example: Remember that book The Sneaky Chef that became famous a while back? It was basically a how-to guide for mothers on how to trick their children into eating vegetables. The gist of the book was that you can just hide veggies inside other, more tasty foods—“hide a lump of spinach inside a meatball!”, etc. Genius. Well, you can use this method too, except instead of hiding veggies you can hide lard. Peel a banana, take the banana out, fill the skin with sour cream, sew it back up CAREFULLY. She’ll never know. Hide a slab of animal fat underneath a pile of kale. Or, you could eat a McDonalds hamburger immediately before seeing her and then kiss her with your lips covered in a layer of grease lipgloss–that should give her at least 20 calories.

Casually tell your girlfriend that Real Women Have Curves is your favorite movie. Tell her you preferred Jessica Simpson in her 2009/2010 phase, and that before that she looked “like a man.” Or, alternatively, you could wait until you two have been dating long enough that you have an understanding of her prides and insecurities, and if you feel like it wouldn’t hurt her to say “I love your body so much that I wouldn’t mind there being even more of it,” then I say go for it. It will probs just make her feel skinny. (We love that.)

My date spunked on my stomach and I woke up with this baffling scabby thing where the cum was. Do you think it’s more likely that the shirt I was wearing stuck to his cum and bonded to my skin, later resulting in it (my precious human skin) being torn off, OR that this dude has acidic demon semen? Thanks, Jessa

Were you having sex with a human or a bull? Bulls have an acidic protein in their spunk, so if you were fucking a bull (no judgments here, we went to liberal art schools!) then it would make sense why his seminal fluid might have marked your skin. If you were having sex with a human, well, how the fuck am I supposed to know? Maybe a piece of cigarette ash dropped on your skin while you were blacked-out in the same place that the jizz was. Whatever, who cares. I doubt the guy is a demon. You don’t live inside an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

My boyfriend has never been interested in having sex while I’m on my period. I never really broached the subject with him until recently, since most of the time I feel like a mess while menstruating anyway. However, I will be having my period during my birthday this year and don’t want to miss out on getting some action just because my bf is grossed out by a little uterine lining. He literally said, “It’s just not right.” Like, what?! It’s 2013 for Christ’s sake. I know your thoughts on the matter and I was wondering if you have any ideas on how to convince my nun of a boyfriend to get a clue. Sincerely, Red Haze

As Katy Perry once advised me on the issue of period sex at the Chateau Marmont hotel in LA: “Put a towel down, put a towel down, put a towel down.” The moral of the story is, put a towel down. The other moral is if Katy Perry has sex on her period then so should we, because she’s famous and famous people are better and more knowledgeable than us normals on matters of literally everything.

Tell your boyfriend to think of it this way: Having sex on your period is like painting with your vagina. Look down at the towel underneath you post coital and say, “We created this piece of art together,” then put a photo of your conceptual art on Tumblr. A couple that blogs together stays together.

Does your boyfriend not know that blood is nature’s lubricant? Tell your dumb bf that the blood doesn’t actually go inside the pee hole, it just gets on the skin, and that blood is easily removed from skin with water. GOD. Remind him that you drink the gross milky liquid that he stores inside his balls on a regular basis, and that he should just grow the fuck up and deal with it. My ex used to be a wuss about period sex too. He’d always fuck me, but then would make a grossed-out face afterward and whine about having to take a shower. At a point it was like, “Jeez, if it’s such torture to have sex with me then please don’t bother. I’ll gladly roll out onto the sidewalk outside my apartment building naked and wait for a REAL MAN to come along and do the job right.”