My beautiful mother
As many of you already know, the caffeinated, alcoholic beverage Four Loko was recently banned in New York–with many other states following suit–for encouraging binge drinking. Apparently Four Loko’s extremely high alcohol content (12%) combined with the caffeine causes fans of the drink to “blackout” and make “life mistakes” which they later go on to “regret.” Not surprising really. Consuming just one can of the $3 beverage is said to be the equivalent of drinking six beers and two cups of coffee. Gosh, kids these days. No self control.
Since it was annouced last week that after December 10th the drink will no longer be delivered to New York retailers, people in the city have been going totally loko, buying as many cans of the stuff as possible to stock up before the permanent draught. One dominatrix girl I know spent two whole days buying every can she could find in bodegas around Brooklyn, in the end spending nearly $600. A recent Facebook status of hers announced that come December 10th she will become Brooklyn’s resident Loko dealer. (Email me if you want her digits.) There was even a Four Loko memorial vigil in Union Square last week, where fans of the drink came together to hold hands, light candles, cry, hit bongos with their hands and mourn the loss of what I once heard a puke-covered wasted girl call, “the greatest beverage of our generation.” This is a sad day for all of us.
Anyway, on Thanksgiving this past Thursday my barely-legal cousin showed up with six cans of Four Loko–one in every flavor–and passed them around to all of the party’s unknowing adults. They drank it like it was juice, and you can image what happened next. I must note, my mother normally gets tipsy on the mere smell of an alcoholic beverage. I think it was around the half-can mark that she started dancing on a chair to the Black Eyes Peas, followed by a weird period of her sitting with her head in her hands, begging my dad to buy her Chinese food. We’re a classy fam.
Click HERE to read about last Thanksgiving, which was significantly less shameful.