Advice?

I have known my friend Dev for many years now, and as he is probably my closest non-homo male companion, I often turn to him for guy/dating advice. He’s like my secret weapon–my foray into the inner workings of the heterosexual male brain. Generally I believe that both giving and receiving sex/dating advice of any kind is extremely dangerous, and that they should be avoided at all costs. (Newsflash: Everyone is equally clueless when it comes to relationships; the fact that anyone ends up together is total happenstance/freak luck.) However, Dev is an extremely benevolent and (seemingly) sane person, which makes him a prime candidate for offering helpful, honest advice when absolutely necessary. Our conversations normally go something like this:

Me: Hi, I’m in Victoria’s Secret breathing into a paper bag, trying to decide whether or not to buy this overpriced lingerie. Do guys not even notice stuff like that?

Dev: Seriously, we don’t give a shit! Just get naked!

or

Me: Do guys think it’s cute when a girl cries during sex?

Dev: OMG, no! You insane bitch! Why does anyone fuck you?

Last week the tables were turned, however, when Dev came to me for some life coaching. He said: “I think have a problem. Recently, when I start dating a girl, no matter how hot or cool I think she is, immediately after we fuck she just becomes this vapid sack of flesh. Is this normal? Because these feelings are beginning to depress me.”

This scared me. Especially coming from someone who I view as a kindhearted, non-sociopath. Then I started thinking about porn. Like you know how with porn, in the heat of the moment even the grossest, most perverted images become super hot? You want to fuck and be fucked by the people on the screen in front of you. And then, litterally the second after you cum, everything and everyone you’re watching turns so utterly repulsive that you have to slam your laptop shut, roll over and shroud your head in a pillow of regret, trying to forget the whole thing ever happened? Well FYI, these feelings are normal. It’s OK to dehumanize porn stars because they’re not real. They’re 2-D sex robots with no souls who exist exclusively to give us sexual pleasure. However it is not normal to have these feelings about the real, living, breathing person lying in bed next to you. And if you are, then you’re making some bad decisions.

When I was seventeen, my slutty older cousin Rebecca said to me: “Sex with someone you like is a lot better than with someone you don’t, but both can be fun.” At the time this made sense to me. I made it my unspoken motto for years. Then, after having a bunch of meaningless sex with idiots, I suddenly realized that I sort of hated myself, and that the thought of anyone touching me made my body recoil in horror. I realized that Rebecca was wrong, and that sex with someone you don’t like is actually depressing and esentially pointless.

Now, I know I said taking sex advice from others is (normally) a bad idea. However this is the advice I gave to Dev, and I have reason to believe it’s kind of sort of good, so take from it what you will:

DO NOT SLEEP WITH PEOPLE YOU DON’T LIKE. Sex is meant to be a positive experience. If want to discard of your partner’s body immediately after climax, that probably means you don’t care about them. It’s easy to convince ourselves that we like someone when we’re horny, because they have nice hair or because we saw their band on MTV2 once, but actually it’s better to sleep with no one than with someone who means nothing to you. If you’re horny, use your hands! It’s the main reason we have them! And I know this probably sounds mega preachy and like a no-brainer, but we have all made this vital life mistake in the past (and realistically will probably continue to make it because we’re dumb), which is why we must reminded ourselves of the severity of it, endlessly.

I’m done now!

Comments

comments

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17 Responses to Advice?

  1. lion-heart says:

    i'm actually going to try this. thankyou :)

  2. Fuller says:

    Excellent advice. And the "Dev: OMG, no! You insane bitch! Why does anyone fuck you?" line had me cracking up.

  3. CatDog says:

    "because you saw their band on MTV2 once" Seems like u need to take some of your own advice

  4. appleshampooid says:

    WTF? Where is the Karley we all know and love from her weekly drug binges, pretty much all capped off by awkward sex with a random stranger? This advice confuse me.

  5. e says:

    THE HYPOCRISY IS KILLING MEbut i suppose it's true.

  6. a straight male says:

    cute lingerie and a crying girl are both hot.

  7. Pollynoir says:

    Oi! What a lovely blog you have there! I absolutely love the concept and the pictures and the whole awesomeness of it :) You're full of great references, i defenitly bookmark your blog.Check mine about female vocalists, hardcore, hip hop and fashion stuff if you feel like :)love,xxxo

  8. Emily says:

    I think sex with a stranger can be fun, but it adds to the hangover. Sex with someone you like (or love, in fact even better) is obviously going to leave you the most fulfilled. Thanks for the advice!! Shame I haven't had sex with anyone for, oh like a year! Karley what do you say? You can be lesbian right?

  9. wonda kammer says:

    I thought I was the only one too feel guilty post masturbation, I love u.

  10. r says:

    this is great!

  11. Emily says:

    I fucking love you for writing this. I thought I was the only one that felt severe guilt and shame after masturbating, it's a pleasant thought to know I'm not alone in my self-deprecating, chronic-masturbating world.

  12. John Paul says:

    YES. real talk

  13. Constantine says:

    "Everyone is equally clueless when it comes to relationships; the fact that anyone ends up together is total happenstance/freak luck"Wow.Every single person on earth just breathed a collective sigh of relief.

  14. wtf says:

    WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH KARLEY

  15. quackenbush says:

    'I thought I was the only one too feel guilty post masturbation, I love u.''I fucking love you for writing this. I thought I was the only one that felt severe guilt and shame after masturbating, it's a pleasant thought to know I'm not alone in my self-deprecating, chronic-masturbating world.'Where once we turned to art, now we go to internet message boards. Srlsly dudes (to paraphrase Ms. Ever) Post-coital depression is a well known phenomena, and the inspiration for some of the finest poetry ever written. Read some Andrew Marvel or, if you're in a more Sluteverish frame of mind, som John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester. A sample:RĂ©gime de VivreI rise at eleven, I dine about two,I get drunk before seven; and the next thing I do,I send for my whore, when for fear of the clap,I spend in her hand, and I spew in her lap.Then we quarrel and scold, 'till I fall fast asleep,When the bitch, growing bold, to my pocket does creep;Then slyly she leaves me, and, to revenge the affront,At once she bereaves me of money and cunt.If by chance then I wake, hot-headed and drunk,What a coil do I make for the loss of my punk!I storm and I roar, and I fall in a rage,And missing my whore, I bugger my page.Then, crop-sick all morning, I rail at my men,And in bed I lie yawning 'till eleven again.

  16. WIZZ says:

    SUCK it you losers saying 'where's karley?'wah wah wahthis is amazing

  17. Tabzy says:

    i've been reading your blog for a while now, but this post made me the most happy ever.sex with someone you like is definitely worth waiting for, hand are good til then. Or a shower head.

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