I have known my friend Dev for many years now, and as he is probably my closest non-homo male companion, I often turn to him for guy/dating advice. He’s like my secret weapon–my foray into the inner workings of the heterosexual male brain. Generally I believe that both giving and receiving sex/dating advice of any kind is extremely dangerous, and that they should be avoided at all costs. (Newsflash: Everyone is equally clueless when it comes to relationships; the fact that anyone ends up together is total happenstance/freak luck.) However, Dev is an extremely benevolent and (seemingly) sane person, which makes him a prime candidate for offering helpful, honest advice when absolutely necessary. Our conversations normally go something like this:
Me: Hi, I’m in Victoria’s Secret breathing into a paper bag, trying to decide whether or not to buy this overpriced lingerie. Do guys not even notice stuff like that?
Dev: Seriously, we don’t give a shit! Just get naked!
Me: Do guys think it’s cute when a girl cries during sex?
Dev: OMG, no! You insane bitch! Why does anyone fuck you?
Last week the tables were turned, however, when Dev came to me for some life coaching. He said: “I think have a problem. Recently, when I start dating a girl, no matter how hot or cool I think she is, immediately after we fuck she just becomes this vapid sack of flesh. Is this normal? Because these feelings are beginning to depress me.”
This scared me. Especially coming from someone who I view as a kindhearted, non-sociopath. Then I started thinking about porn. Like you know how with porn, in the heat of the moment even the grossest, most perverted images become super hot? You want to fuck and be fucked by the people on the screen in front of you. And then, litterally the second after you cum, everything and everyone you’re watching turns so utterly repulsive that you have to slam your laptop shut, roll over and shroud your head in a pillow of regret, trying to forget the whole thing ever happened? Well FYI, these feelings are normal. It’s OK to dehumanize porn stars because they’re not real. They’re 2-D sex robots with no souls who exist exclusively to give us sexual pleasure. However it is not normal to have these feelings about the real, living, breathing person lying in bed next to you. And if you are, then you’re making some bad decisions.
When I was seventeen, my slutty older cousin Rebecca said to me: “Sex with someone you like is a lot better than with someone you don’t, but both can be fun.” At the time this made sense to me. I made it my unspoken motto for years. Then, after having a bunch of meaningless sex with idiots, I suddenly realized that I sort of hated myself, and that the thought of anyone touching me made my body recoil in horror. I realized that Rebecca was wrong, and that sex with someone you don’t like is actually depressing and esentially pointless.
Now, I know I said taking sex advice from others is (normally) a bad idea. However this is the advice I gave to Dev, and I have reason to believe it’s kind of sort of good, so take from it what you will:
DO NOT SLEEP WITH PEOPLE YOU DON’T LIKE. Sex is meant to be a positive experience. If want to discard of your partner’s body immediately after climax, that probably means you don’t care about them. It’s easy to convince ourselves that we like someone when we’re horny, because they have nice hair or because we saw their band on MTV2 once, but actually it’s better to sleep with no one than with someone who means nothing to you. If you’re horny, use your hands! It’s the main reason we have them! And I know this probably sounds mega preachy and like a no-brainer, but we have all made this vital life mistake in the past (and realistically will probably continue to make it because we’re dumb), which is why we must reminded ourselves of the severity of it, endlessly.
I’m done now!