Sex + Love Advice

Ask Slutever: Am I a Lez?

December 30, 2014
Despair-1
Despair-1Pic @ Alex Prager

I’m a 22 year old girl, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 year, and I’ve been thinking about having sex with girls for over 3 years. But if I’m honest with myself, I’ve always known, in the back of my mind, that I like girls. I’ve cheated on my boyfriend–I kissed a few girls, had sex with one of them, and I think I fell in love with one of my girlfriends. But to me it wasn’t really cheating because I felt I had the right to explore my sexuality, and did not feel any guilt, but rather extreme happiness that I was getting to know myself better. I love my boyfriend to bits, and I feel like he’s the only man I can be with (our sex life is still great), but at the same time I feel absolutely zero attraction for other men, and feel like a teenage girl with butterflies in my stomach every time I see a hot girl. I’ve told my bf that I like girls, but he just got horny and said we should have a threesome. I wouldn’t mind that! We’ve been trying to find the right person to do it with for over a year but it’s not easy. But when I tried to explain to my bf that I really really like girls, he seemed unfazed.

Anyway, the point is that I don’t know how to explain to my bf that this is more than a fantasy for me, and that I think if I repress these feelings now I will be unhappy forever. But at the same time I don’t want to end my relationship with him because I’m scared of losing him for something that’s maybe just a phase. I know I can’t have everything, but I wish I could. I’m so confused!

Yay, you’re part gay, how exciting!! I personally believe that a person’s sexual orientation can change and evolve with time. (Look at me! I’ve been a lesbian for over two years now. Didn’t see that one coming…) Maybe you’re discovering a part of your sexuality that you didn’t know existed when you met you boyfriend. Or maybe this is a new facet of your sexuality that’s here to stay. Or, sure, maybe these lez feelings are “a phase.” But so what? Why should that make them any less valid?

I don’t get why, when it comes to sexuality, people so often regard “phases” as being silly or insignificant. It’s like, if you had a phase where you suddenly really craved coffee despite never having been interested in it before, no one would say “don’t bother drinking coffee because you might stop craving it eventually.” That’s a stupid analogy, but do you know what I mean? Even if your newfound lesbianism is a phase, don’t you think you should capitalize on it?! If this is your only gay/bi phase, then you should sleep with as many girls as possible before you phase-out and miss the opportunity entirely! Quick! Or, if you actually do prefer girls, for the long term, than you might as well start your crossover to the darkside sooner rather than later, right?

It’s so funny and predictable that your bf thought your attraction to girls was hot, but not a “serious” issue. Men are so egotistical; it’s insane. I had a similar situation with my ex boyfriend. Although I told him I was bi, he never really took it seriously–the only time he noted my bi-ness was when it meant we got to have threesomes. He literally told me that I could sleep with girls on my own, despite he and I being in a monogamous relationship, essentially because he didn’t find women threatening–like “yeah, you’re in an experimental phase, that’s cute,” type of thing. But the joke was on him because I ended up leaving him for one of the girls he found so unthreatening… mwahahaha.

Anyway, the point is: yes, you have every right to experiment with your sexuality, and you should! But you can explore and experiment without cheating on someone at the same time. It’s not really fair to your boyfriend that you’re sneaking around fucking other people. (And I’m pretty sure that even though you didn’t feel like you were cheating, it was still technically cheating–lol). I would never tell you that you should dump him, because I don’t know you, or him, or your relationship well enough to make that major decision for you. But I do think you should consider whether you are hesitant to break up because you’re just scared of change, or of being alone. Of course, those are valid things to be anxious about–5 years is a long time to date someone, and breaking-up sucks. But the fact that you said, “I think if I repress these feelings now I will be unhappy forever” seems like a major sign to me! In life, people far more often regret things the things they didn’t do than the things they did do. 

Also, you’re just 22! You’ve been dating the same person since you were 17! I assume it’s not just that you want to have sex with girls, but that you want to have sex with other people in general. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that it’s unlikely that you’re going to be with this guy forever. That doesn’t mean it was a failed or regrettable relationship. It just means it’s not the only relationship you’re ever going to be in. If you’re boyfriend is important to you, he can still be in your life as a friend after you join the lesbian mafia.

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7 Comments

  • Reply Charlie December 30, 2014 at 8:21 pm

    Hi lady!

    I’ve enjoyed your writing for the longest time, you’ve come so incredibly far! But, I just wanted to give you a heads up that you’ve repeated your second to last paragraph here ;]

    Happy holidays and I hope the new year brings you even more success and all that!

    • Reply karleyslutever December 30, 2014 at 8:49 pm

      Thanks! And I fixed the paragraph! Embarrassing. lol

  • Reply James December 30, 2014 at 11:06 pm

    I’m a guy who got out of a relationship recently, and I’m going through something similar. I just feel that there’s kind of a stigma toward bisexual men so I’m reticent to engage in anything with a guy. What you said about validating something, even if it is a phase, resonated with me though. I’m just worried that everyone I know is going to automatically going to label me a closet-case if I do anything with a guy though.

    • Reply karleyslutever December 31, 2014 at 11:03 pm

      You’re totally right about there being a stigma around bisexuality in men, and bi men being defined as gay by other people. It’s fucked up. I think we’re going to need more openly bi male role models in order to change that.

  • Reply Meg December 31, 2014 at 5:31 am

    As a 25 year old bi gal with a preference for women in an almost 8 yr long term heterosexual and fulfilling relationship I totally had the saaaaame same same issues. Both about sleeping with women AND sleeping with anyone other than my boyfriend AND about not wanting to break up with someone I loved just because of that.

    We do what you did, we’re “monogamish” but mostly that means I can sleep with girls. And I also worried he wasn’t taking me seriously, because patriarchy. But I think it’s okay that him being literally physically unable to compete leaves less room for insecurity. And the fact that it’s a turn on is more of win-win. I say that because it’s possible this mentioned bf just happens to think it’s hot and also happens to not give any other fucks, because men, amiright? And if he’s really being a disrespectful d-bag about it and not listening to what this girl is telling him to his face, then there are probably other problems with the relationship, mostly involving him being a d-bag.

    And the other thing I wanted to mention that made me less anxious about all of it was just being openly bi and trying to involve myself in the lgbt scene. I used to think I didn’t have any cred in that department and was therefore unworthy of membership, but I have since come to the conclusion that I’m not “part gay, part straight,” I’m full on queer. Being able to find acceptance for that in myself and in others really more what it was all about.

    That’s how it worked out for me anyhow :)

    • Reply karleyslutever December 31, 2014 at 11:01 pm

      Amen!

  • Reply GT January 4, 2015 at 9:01 pm

    “lesbian mafia” love you ;)

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