Photos by Sibylle Bergemann
S is a 31 year old high school teacher from Chicago. She masturbated for the first time at 25, and lost her virginity at 28.
When was your first sexual experience?
When I was 21 I got stoned in my college dorm room with a friend, and we got into my bed and he fingered me. That was the first time I did anything more than making out. I remember thinking, “Oh my god, I can’t wait to tell my friends back home that I finally FGF’d!”, which was their code for Fucking Good Fingering.
What about the horny teen years?
Sex just wasn’t something I cared about. In high school my friends’ primary life goals were to get with a guy, but I was never in that frame of mind. There was definitely a long period of time where I wondered what was wrong with me, and realized it was potentially an issue.
What do you mean, ‘something wrong’?
Well around 19 I went through a year of wondering if I was gay because of it—that maybe not wanting to have sex with boys meant somewhere deep down in my subconscious I wanted to have sex with girls. But I wasn’t turned on by girls. I just wasn’t turned on by anything, which is really crazy because now I’m turned on by anything.
So what was going on in your early to mid 20s?
Well it’s a vicious cycle, because the longer you wait the more of a big deal it becomes. If I’d done it when I was 15 in the back of a car with some random guy, I’d just think it was funny, but by the time you’re 22 your like, “Shit, if I’ve waited this long I don’t want to waste it on some weirdo that I don’t even like.” Then when I was 23 I read Andy Warhol’s, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol: From A to B and Back Again. In each chapter he talks about a different topic—fame, money sex, love, etc. And he discussed how overrated sex is, and how people should wait to have sex until they’re forty otherwise they’re bored of it by the time they’re middle aged. He talks about sex not being the most important thing in the world, and for the first time I felt more at ease about my virginity.
When was the first time you masturbated?
When I was 25.
I know, right? The thought of my own vagina just scared me. And also, I don’t know if this sounds weird, but I was never attracted to my own body, so I didn’t find myself sexy enough to want to touch myself. And when I finally did it I didn’t know how to do it properly. I was just sticking my fingers in and wasn’t touching the right parts, and I couldn’t concentrate and was just like, “This is shit.”
So you didn’t cum?
No, I didn’t cum until I was 26. Before then I’d always touched myself lying on my back, but this time I was on my stomach with my hand was underneath me, and I guess the pressure was more on my clit.
Natalie-Portman-in-Black-Swan style? I didn’t know that was a real thing.
It is. Weirdly my friend called me when I was in the middle of masturbating, but for some reason I still picked up the phone, and then suddenly I just came. I remember being like, “Whoooa, I get it now! That was amazing! When am I going to get to do that with someone else!?” I think it was the first time I truly understood why people have sex.
Wait, did your friend on the phone hear you??
No he just carried on talking and I shoved my face into my pillow. It was really bizarre because he was drunk and babbling and I was basically paralyzed.
So when did you finally have sex?
When I was 28 I started dating this guy I worked with. We’d been making out for a month, and then for my birthday he took me on a surprise trip to Mexico. When we got there we took a taxi up a mountain to this amazing castle, and as we were driving through the giant silver gates I was like, “Oh shit, I blatantly have to have sex with him now.” So we had this amazing dinner and then went back to the hotel and took a candlelit bath, and I gave him a blow job—my first ever BJ—and then we had really filthy sex all night. It was only afterward that I told him it was my first time, but I think he sort of knew anyway.
So you basically lost your V-card the way every tween girl dreams of losing hers, only ten years later?
Right, exactly. So cheesy.
So did you become more sexual after that?
Yeah, we dated for a year and had sex all the time, but I never had an orgasm with him. Here’s the weird thing: I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm during sex. My most recent boyfriend, Tom, was the only person who has ever given me an orgasm. He loved going down on me and I always came, and he was really into it which made it so much more amazing for me. Sometimes I’d be watching TV and he’d just rip my pants off and start going down on me. I was scared when we broke up because I was afraid no one else would ever be able to give me an orgasm. Actually, no one has, but it hasn’t been very long.
Head is key, because I think it’s difficult for a lot of girls to cum solely though penetrative sex.
Yeah, can guys give you an orgasm with their dicks alone? I don’t think they can. Because the dick doesn’t get to the clit part.
Tell me about it. How often do you masturbate now?
Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I touched myself. This past 6 months I’ve been completely non-interested, except when I’m mid-period, when I get really horny, but it’s obviously a bad time to try and get laid.
What do you think about when you masturbate?
It alternates. Sometimes I think about some of the hotter sex I’ve had, and I think about girls with girls quite a lot actually. I generally prefer lesbian porn. Macho, masculine porn gets boring.
What are your porn preferences?
I’m never that turned on by hardcore porn. Like seeing a girl with jizz all over her face is so whatever to me. I remember watching the movie Emmanuelle as a kid, which isn’t even porn, it’s super softcore and delicate, but it really turned me on. And I like some 70s porn where the girls are hairy and weird looking, rather than modern day Hollywood porn with boob jobs and scary tans. For me porn is all about the girl. It’s almost as if the guy just serves as a function—the perpetrator.
How many guys have you slept with in total?
12, all in the past 3 years.
Have you ever faked an orgasm?
A couple of times, because sometimes the guy won’t stop otherwise. But generally I don’t.
What’s your ultimate fantasy?
Honestly I have a bit of a rape fantasy. Not that I actually want that, but… The first time I had sex with Tom we were in the bathroom at a house party and he just slammed the door shut, grabbed me and lifted me up onto the sink and started kissing me and ripping my clothes off. I didn’t have any control over the situation and it was really hot. He was basically just like, I’m going to fuck you and you can’t do anything about it. Man… I kind of want to have sex now.