Ever wished you had a wise lesbian BFF you could turn to in all of your queer quandaries? Well, now you have Scout Durwood, an enlightened queer lady and LA-based comedian, currently appearing on Oxygen’s show Funny Girls. She also writes the very funny (and helpful!) blog, Sex Advice from a Lesbian. Today, Scout discusses how to stop becoming obsessed with straight girls, and whether hitting on chicks is actually more complicated than hitting on dudes.
Scout – If you don’t want this woman’s advice, there’s something wrong with you.
I’m a 29 year old lesbian, and I have an addiction to straight girls. I know that’s such a gay cliche—trying to “turn” a straight person. But that’s honestly not how it is for me. I don’t care about turning anyone, I just seem to always fall for a straight girl, and then we form these ambiguous relationships—we spend almost every day together, we share a bed, we spoon, etc—but we never actually fuck. It’s fucking me up because I put all my energy into these straight girls, and never end up dating someone for real. At 29, I’ve never had a serious girlfriend. What does it mean?! And how do I break the cycle? Help! – Lez Do This Already
Scout: What it means is: you need to get your priorities gay, because right now they’re way too straight. It strikes me as noteworthy that the single modifier you attach to the type of girls you’re attracted is “straight,” because if that’s actually true, then you may have some horrible issues with feeling like you don’t deserve to be loved, which, for the record, you do!
Or, by “straight,” do you mean to say that you’re attracted to super femme girls? Sure. A lot of lesbians are, and with a little bit of looking, you can surely find follow the rainbow to a super sexy leprechaun. I’ll admit, the lesbian tribe tends to overlook lipgloss for feminist marching and Amstel Light, but there are more non-straight girly-girls than you would expect, so keep that in mind when you’re feeling particularly un-requited.
Be aware of the difference between “passionate” and “compassionate” love. It’s possible to feel warm and fuzzy around someone without also feeling romantically or sexually inclined towards that person, which may be the case with your BFF. Imagine if a fella was behaving around you like you are behaving around this straight girl. Would you feel like he was pressuring you to be more physical than you are comfortable being? Would you feel like you were leading him on?
At the end of the day, the only way to be in a happy, sexual relationship is to be with someone who wants to be in a happy sexual relationship with you right back. You don’t have to bail on your hetero-friendships, but you do need to cut back on them if you feel like they’re getting in the way of your being a happy, sexual being.
Stop spending every day together. Go home instead of sleeping over, and spoon only in emergency situations. You have to make space in your life for the thing you want in order for it to feel welcome to come in—aka it’s difficult to find somebody to love when you’re spending 100 hours a week with someone you like, double aka you can’t be in a relationship if you’re already in a relationship that occupies the same space.
Let’s role play. I’ll be you, and you can be Amber, which is what I’ve decided to name your straight friend who, in my opinion, sounds like she’s an Amber.
Amber: “What do you want to do tonight?”
You: “I think I’m just going to stay in and watch a movie.”
Amber: “Great. I’ll make popcorn!”
You: “Amber, I’d like to start spending more time apart. I’m at a place in my life where I want to move towards a more serious, romantic relationship. You and I spend a ton of time together, which I love, but I’m worried that we are cutting ourselves off from the rest of the world. Let’s take a couple of days off and hang out Friday. We can see Mad Max!”
Amber: “Ugh. Fine. Friday it is. And then on Saturday morning, we can go to brunch at…”
You: “I’m going to kibosh sleepovers, too. I respect you and your boundaries, so I’d rather not put myself in situations with you that are sexually ambiguous.”
Amber: “Wow. This is way harsh.”
You: “It may feel that way now that way now, but in the end, putting space between us is going to lead to way more sex for both of us, which is a good thing. Did you know that people who have sex three times a week or more earn an average of 5% more than people who don’t, and also show reduced signs of aging?!” Plus sex also boosts your immune system and increases heart health.”
Amber: “Ok. I guess you have a point. I’ll see you on Friday for Mad Max.”
You: “Great. Popcorn’s on me!”
Amber: “Why don’t we split it? You shouldn’t feel obligated to act like my boyfriend if I’m not willing to fuck you.”
Or something like that. Being single can suck, but being sexually frustrated sucks worse. You deserve to be someone’s number one, so if you’re spending all your time with a “call me maybe,” it is time to walk away. Straight girls don’t turn gay any more frequently than gay girls turn straight. Be open and honest with women that you meet, and mention to your gay friends that you are on the gay market for a fabulous gay girlfriend. The heart wants what the heart wants, and you clearly enjoy the thrill of the chase, so enlist some teamwork to make the “sexually fulfilling relationship with a woman who is physically and sexually attracted to you” dream work.
2) I’m 25, live in Chicago, and I think I’m bi. I look pretty straight, and I’ve only slept with guys so far, but I want to start exploring sex with women. But like, how do I hit on girls? With guys it’s so easy—you just smile at them, or wear a skimpy dress or whatever, and then they do all the work. But aren’t girls more complicated/sophisticated? I need to break the seal! – Claire
Though flattering for you to say, I would argue that it is less that women are more complicated than men and more that that homosexuals are a population minority and don’t want to be rejected by people who they’re sexually attracted to. As much as I dislike the thought of “looking pretty straight,” I get it—and can relate. When I was single in a new city, I wore a rainbow friendship bracelet in a (failed) attempt to broadcast my “lesbie friends” objective.
Are you going to gay places? If not, start doing so immediately. Chicago has a faboosh gay scene. Keep in mind that gay folks tend to stick together, so start by coming to us. Try different bars, comedy shows, softball tournaments (stereotype, and yet also a real thing) until you find a scene that works for you. Your first goal isn’t sex, it’s human connection.
Pick a gay bar and go with a friend who won’t freak out if a gay person hits on him/her. “Ew, gross, I’m not gay,” is a pretty major turn off in the community.
The most passive way to pique someone’s interest is to send out an overwhelming “yes vibe” and wait for it to be returned. That was my early 20’s raison d’être, and it worked just fine, thank you very much. If you want to be more active, buy a lady a drink and tell her you like her style. Gender roles are totes passée, and lesbians are a fairly friendly bunch, so don’t be afraid to say, “what’s up?”
You do not have to wear a “lesbian costume” in order to pick up other girls. You can still wear skimpy dresses. We pass no judgement against them, and have even been known to enjoy the view. Even more attractive, however—and I’m speaking in broad generalizations (“broad” as in wide-sweeping and “broad” as in relating to women)—is a woman in an outfit that makes her look confident in her status as a sexual being, who’s confident in her choices and doesn’t give a whole lot of thought to what other people think.
Lesbians are women, too, so we also know the prison of spanks and stick-on strapless bras and are less likely to be fooled by a pantyline-less PYT. Plus, sacrificing comfort for an aesthetic indicates that you are aiming to please others rather than aiming to please yourself, and in a group of people who have or may have at one point been persecuted for trying to do our thang, looking like a model doesn’t always equal brownie points.
You could also just change your “interested in” on Tinder and hope that you don’t end up with an onslaught of married couples looking to spice things up.
My final piece of advice is not to come in identifying as an outsider. Don’t lead with what you haven’t done, lead with what you want to do. You’re a queer lady in your mid twenties! Sounds like a party to me!
Read Scout’s last post for Slutever HERE. Main pic @ Helmut Newton.