Interviews, Sex + Love Advice

Ask a Porn Star: STOYA

March 30, 2015
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Words by Vera Papisova / Photos by Tim Barber /

It’s only fitting that the first installment of “Ask a Porn Star” features one of the most badass players in the adult industry. She’s won multiple awards for her niche performances (super vague way of saying hardcore lesbian shit), is living proof that natural beauty exists in the porn world, and was crowned “America’s sweetheart of smut” by The Village Voice. When she’s not performing, Stoya writes for publications like VICE, The New York Times and The Guardian on topics like sex workers’ rights and the lack of condoms in porn. She’s even got her own advice column at Refinery29. Most recently, she launched a site for curated smut called TRENCHCOATx with fellow adult star Kayden Kross.

Think you can guess Stoya’s favorite sex toy? Think again. We caught up with the saucy entrepreneur to inquire about her best sex tips, her advice for the couple in a rut, and how bacon factors into an ideal date. Oh, and “unicorn gangbangs” also came up–yes, it’s a thing.

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1. What’s your advice for a couple in a sexual rut?

Well, how did you get in the rut? Did the two of you slip into a routine? Did you skip ever discussing what you’re both into and open to, and now one or both of you are afraid to share because the other one might think you’re weird, and then your relationship might go poof? Do you take each other for granted, not spend enough time with each other, and then mechanically go through enough of the motions for orgasms to happen before passing out ten minutes later? Is there some other factor at play, like emotional or hormonal unsettlement, that might be screwing with one of your libidos?

Seriously, the way you got into the rut holds lots of clues for getting out of it.

2. Favorite sex toy?

If we’re defining ‘sex toy’ as ‘implement or apparatus used for sexual sensation that is not a human being or a part of a human being,’ I’m gonna have to go with whatever’s laying around at the moment–within reason. A lot of the joy in sex for me is based on impulsive, immediate reaction–sex is a place where, once we get to it, I’m not analyzing or thinking two steps ahead. The only moments on my “most favorite sexual interactions” list that involve props involved props that were completely organic–like that one time someone tied me up with an extension cord because the cord was less than three feet away, while rope or cuffs would’ve required running an errand.

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3. What’s your best cunnilingus/blow-job tip?

I’ve written two articles–here and here–that together sum up my feelings on sex tips quite well. [But here’s a teaser: “Think of your partners’ genitals as genitals. They are not tennis balls, flowers, butterflies, or meat.” And: “There’s a difference between having sex with your partner and having sex at them. Do the first one.”]

4. What’s your ideal date?

Ideal dates are singular and not replicable. The last ideal date came to me, rather than me going on it. In my apartment, [My Date] pointed out that the reason I always burn myself frying bacon is because I only wear as much clothing as necessary for the place and temperature. Then [My Date] fried the bacon themselves, and later we fell asleep on opposite sides of the bed with just the tips of [My Date’s] fingers brushing the side of my ass.

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5. And now, if you wouldn’t mind, can you answer an advice question from a Slutever reader? Here’s what our reader has to say:

Hey Stoya! I’m 22 years old, started having sex at 16, and until a few months ago I’d never had an orgasm. My first orgasm came when I decided to try watching very mainstream porn by myself in my dark bedroom. My issue is, I seem to have a taste for highly male-gazey vids… gang bangs, double penetration, etc. I’m starting to feel guilty after watching it now, and continuously have to search around to avoid watching middle aged men very obviously exploiting young girls, or films that play out really awful racist tropes. I’m considering paying for more sex-positive porn, but don’t think I will necessarily get off to really alt or very wholesome granola films – not that I don’t think it’s great that it exists. How do I find ethical porn, without losing that facade of sexy exploitation (that’s actually definitely consensual). Really hope you can help with my less-than-sexy moral dilemma. Sincerely, Sex-Neutral

Ethical is tricky. Sexual ethics, or ethics of consent, have to be weighed against, say, ethics of capitalism. Which is more ethical: 1) Requiring that performers do their jobs with a convincing performance of desire, fun, and enjoyment on set (both when the camera is and is not rolling, *and* afterward in interviews, tweets, and blog posts, lest they be deemed only “in it for the money”). Or, 2) Respecting the agency of a performer and their ability to weigh their sexual limits against their economic needs, as opposed to denying them the job because you don’t think they authentically love it enough? See? Tricky.

In terms of suggestions for ethical yet “male-gazey” porn, this video might not be your cup of tea, but it makes me so happy. FTM Fucker’s “Unicorn Gangbang” features, well, a person being gangbanged by unicorns. Also, Kink.com’s hardcoregangbang.com and boundgangbangs.com typically feature more “mainstream” aesthetics with regards to the performers they book. And, to curtail your guilt, Kink does have a model bill of rights, and does interviews after the scene to reassure the viewer that what they’ve seen is in fact a fantasy that has been consented to. 

6. Tell me about your new site TRENCHCOATx and what’s going on in the adult industry that led you to create your own platform.

TRENCHCOATx is a curated platform for single-serving selections of smut. Meaning, Kayden and I search out the most unique xxx videos we can find, and present our own directorial work alongside it. And we do everything with an aim towards fair price, fair compensation, and high quality.

What’s going on that led us to this? Jeeze. I’d need a whole book. Working conditions in porn have been deteriorating for years, there’s a giant entity called MindGeek that owns the bulk of the piracy-enabling tube sites as well as enough of the production companies for Slate to call it a monopoly. Well, I’m not really into working for monopoly-having corporations. But mostly, it was just time for us to quite literally put our money where our mouths are with regards to how things should be done.

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Stoya was photographed by Tim Barber

To submit questions for future “Ask a Porn Star” columns, leave a comment below or tweet them to @VeraPapisova or @Slutever.

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