Sex + Love Advice

Ask Slutever

September 29, 2013

Dear Slutever, My ex and I managed to stay friends after our rocky relationship and even rockier breakup, and have been sexting for about a year now, despite him having been been in a new relationship for a year and a half. I get that it’s wrong or whatever, but how do I get him to fuck me? I really miss our great physical chemistry, but he’s very unwilling to take the next step in our little tryst because he’s a nice guy and thinks he’s in love. Sincerely, Morally Corrupt and Horny

OK, you need to move on. It’s not a good look to be a desperate ho, stalking your ex because you can’t find anyone new to distract yourself with. You ex moved on, so should you. He’s not in love with you anymore, hence him being “very unwilling” to have sex with you, and being in love with someone else. It makes you look traj to keep trying. If you keep on like this you’re going to end up like Charlize Theron’s character in Young Adult, drunk and depressed at 37, unsuccessfully trying to make out with your high school boyfriend at his kid’s birthday party, while his wife is in the other room.

And anyway, what is getting him to fuck you going to achieve, other than emotional pain for everyone? Are you the type of person who craves drama 24/7? You had a rocky relationship and rockier break-up with him, and now you’re going back for more? Why? Do the world a favor and don’t pull your ex and his new love into your drama cyclone. Here’s a general life tip: Being a bad person doesn’t make you feel good, it makes you feel bad–duh.

Sometimes when we’re bored and not in-crush with anyone, we get confused and feel like we still want to be with the most recent person we shared intimacy with. It happens to the best of us. But think back–you and your ex-boyfriend aren’t together for a reason. Try to remember what that reason (or reasons, more likely) is. And then join Tinder or something. 

So a few months ago I slept with a bunch of guys, including some of my male friends, all within the same short period. I don’t even know why, I guess I was just having a slutty week or something. But now it’s coming back to bite me in the ass because everyone (obviously) has found out and thinks I’ll just fuck anything. I feel super gross, and I know it’s just because of a stupid double standard, but it still sucks. And the worst part is, I actually LIKED one of the guys, but I don’t think he wants anything with me, probably because he’s lost all respect for me and/or thinks that I just boned him like I boned everyone else :( I feel like shit about myself and I don’t want to. Why can’t I just be like a guy and be proud of my sexual conquests?!?! Amanda

You know me–I’m all for being a liberated sexual butterfly. Being a slut is very trendy these days! But like anything, there’s a right way and a not-so-right-way to go about being a slut. Unfortunately, we can’t just sleep with whoever we want whenever we want 24/7, and expect that it won’t have an effect on ourselves and the people around us. In Buddhism they follow something called The Five Precepts, which is basically a five-point moral code to live by. One of the points translates to: “Do not misuse sex.” Damn, those Buddhists are wise.

I had to learn the hard way that sex is a tool–a very powerful tool–that can be use a right way and a wrong way, to help you or to hurt you, for good or for evil. That probably sounds over-dramatic, but it’s true. Sex can create amazing bonds between people, it can make you happy or sad, it can advance your career (no qualms about that over here!), it can make you money, it can have profound effects on your confidence, and it can be a weapon. It can even destroy presidencies! That’s not a double standard, those are just the facts of life.

When I was in my early twenties, I made the mistake of sleeping with a lot of people within the same friend ground. I remember being at a concert one night and standing with about 10 of my friends, and looking around the circle and realizing that I’d slept with every single one of them, male and female. And at the time I found it sort of funny, but mainly I just felt traj, because it occurred to me that none of my sexual encounters with any of those people were particularly memorable, and that actually, I hadn’t gotten anything valuable out of them…. other than maybe an orgasm (but probably not even that). In the end the sexual experiences hadn’t been worth it, and I wished I could take them back.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I think it’s totally fine to act ho-ish on occasion, to sleep with someone on a first date, to fuck a stranger in the bathroom of a bar, etc. But part of the thrill of that type of behavior is that it feels illicit and mysterious. It’s way sexier to be calculated, selective and discreet about your sex life, than it is to be sloppy and flagrant about it. (And I realize that may sound weird coming from me, a sex blogger, but there are some things I don’t tell you guys about…) 

So, to keep an emotional mishap like this from happening again, from now on there are a few key slut rules that you (and all of us) should follow. For example: don’t sleep with a friend’s boyfriend; don’t sleep with a friend’s serious ex; don’t sleep with someone you plan on having an ongoing professional relationship with (often a hard one!); don’t sleep with close friends (unless you don’t mind that the dynamic of your friendship with most likely change after sex); and… don’t sleep with a bunch of people within the same friend group, because then you just become the been-there-done-that girl, and that’s not hot. And honestly, I don’t even think that’s a double standard. If one of my guy friends had slept with the majority of my female friends, I would find it sort of weird. It’s just not a very classy thing to do, ya know? There’s enough people in the world and online that we shouldn’t have to sleep with our BFFs. Thank god.

So, how do you get in with the guy you actually like? Well, the guys you fucked are most likely going to approach you for sex again. Since they probably think you’re easy, they’ll want you as a casual fuck. However, from now on you have to deny them sex, which will give you back the power. After you’ve denied a few of them, and waited a while for the smoke from your sex rampage to blow over, then you should make a move on your crush.

The moral of the story is: fuck wisely.

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18 Comments

  • Reply MV September 29, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    I love you x

  • Reply Eastfist September 29, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    From my observations in life, the somewhat cute woman that has a bunch of guy friends but is straight is usually a slut. The very attractive ones usually don’t sleep around (usually very conservative) because they are “betrothed” to the jock, son of the mayor or someone rich in town with connections and “plans for his son”. And then the ugly women who have very outgoing personalities, are usually incredibly slutty, too. Who knew?

    But it’s true, I agree with you, no matter how clingy even the most attractive woman is, it is a turn-off.

    You sleep around until you learn what sex is really about.

    *Side note: is the context of that Monica Bellucci screenshot from “Malena” really fair or representative of the message of this article? It has such a tragic ending.

  • Reply Lala September 30, 2013 at 12:23 am

    I wish I was or were more unrestrained. Guys don’t want good girls. Unfortunately or fortunately I had a reputation for sleeping around with guys I never fucked. Guys make stories up regardless you did it or not. So the moral of the story is fuck whomever you want to, to your vag’s desire. Because guys dump girls no matter how hot but if you are too nice you will get dump, just because. A girl always need an edge. And personally I get the character in Young Adult. Sometimes you cannot move on, but have to just because it’s unbecoming.

  • Reply Elijah Burkhardt Is Evil September 30, 2013 at 4:46 am

    Hate to be the village misogynist, but here goes. Slutting will never be viewed on par with Man-whoring because: A guy who acquires a hot chick and proceeds to engage in the physical act of sex is physically, socially and psychologically incongruent to a chick who acquires a hot dude, spreads her legs and gets fucked. I’d argue that part of the inherent value that ALL women have by default sexually, compared to males, has to do with relative levels of prudeness exerting a particular force on the pussy market that increases demand while keeping supply constant. What annoys the shit out of me is when women take advantage of their inflated value, affected in part by prudeness of others, in order to engage in slutty behavior that they then use as some post-feminist argument of their sexual advancement against said repression despite its inexorable reliance on the practice in others. I don’t have a problem, nor do I think anyone should, with women fucking indiscriminately; the idea that you should be awarded some sort of prize for making yourself available to the half of the species that has 40 times more testosterone pumping through its horned up body is, and will always be, patently absurd, however. Treat yourself to all the cock you want… you will notice that one thing will never change, and not due to some double standard: you will feel empty, unaccomplished and used… which is most likely why women tend towards restrained behavior to begin with. Not because they’re being brain washed by a patriarchy, but because they’ve come to understand that they, generally, relate to sex in an emotionally distinct way compared, generally, to men. This “slut trend” is apt.. it’s a trend. It’s going to come crashing down around you.

    • Reply Lorenzo September 30, 2013 at 10:40 am

      good stuff, man

    • Reply Eastfist September 30, 2013 at 3:15 pm

      In summary: a woman becomes a slut to get an advantage in a male-dominated society. A man is a slut because he simply needs to get his dick wet, otherwise there is no real advantage.

      Essentially the same thing OP wrote. Summarized simply (aimed mainly at female readers) by “fuck wisely”.

      • Reply Elijah Burkhardt Is Evil September 30, 2013 at 6:26 pm

        “A woman becomes a slut to get an advantage in a male dominated society
        In summary: a woman becomes a slut to get an advantage in a male-dominated society. A man is a slut because he simply needs to get his dick wet”

        Advantage in a male-dominated society? I don’t really see the relevance of what you’re saying here. My point, in part, was simply: slutting is an easy way to differentiate yourself from prudes by way of using absolutely no skill. The lack of skill and lack of emotional substance needed to acquire a male is what eventually leaves quite a few sluts, who can’t escape the complexity of being a female, feeling empty.

        • Reply Eastfist September 30, 2013 at 7:00 pm

          I assure you, there are sluts that will sleep with ANYTHING with a phallus or orifice, and then there are those that really know how to use it. Martha Stewart doesn’t look like someone who may be a slut, but I have a hunch she got where she is today because she knows what to do in the sack… and she acquired a lot of skills along the way.

    • Reply miakrakow October 5, 2013 at 4:41 am

      save it for your debate club fag

  • Reply kate October 1, 2013 at 2:03 am

    Like sleeping with Oliver Zahm right?

  • Reply Christie October 1, 2013 at 11:11 am

    I feel like this is your best advice column yet
    the responses are detailed, honest and appropriately blunt

    sorry if i say something like this everytime but i feel like i mean it!

    • Reply ~sarah p. October 3, 2013 at 12:05 am

      Totally agreed!

    • Reply mmmmmmts October 12, 2013 at 11:54 pm

      Even I agree. This is the first time I’ve actually thought: Hey! This advice was actually pretty good, honest, and to the point.
      More of this stuff.

  • Reply bigman October 2, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    Forget all of that patriarchy stuff. That may be true, to a minor extent, but it is so minor as to be insignificant. The real issue is seen even in the animal kingdom. Men want, at some psychological level, to have progeny. (of course, there are exceptions to the rule, so spare me the “I don’t want kids, what about me” questions.) Anyway, when a man knows that a woman will sleep around easily, a man lacks confidence that she is “worth” his time in becoming exclusive as he doubts that she will bear “his” children. She may have kids, but will they be his? Lion’s kill the cubs of another. Other animals have a dominant male that spends his time keeping other males from mating with his mates because he wants his offspring to be born. The same is true for humans.
    As crude as it is, men can “slut” around, but they will never have to be pregnant and raise kids. Women can abort, put up for adoption, or raise. It takes a special man to raise another man’s child as his own. If he goes in knowing that she has kid’s, fine. Ask a single mother how hard it is to find a mate. It is getting easier, but it is an obstacle. What a man cannot abide, however, is the thought that he may unknowingly raise another man’s child and be denied his own offspring. Therefore, a woman who sleeps around is a risky proposition for serious relationship status, but great for sex. Cut off the sex and he will leave or he will check around to see how serious you are about not giving it up so easily. Once he is convinced that you are a “safe bet”, then your status rises. Unfair, I know.
    There is also the whole issue of sexual insecurity. A woman’s sexuality is foreign to us. For example, men can only see sex as a product of arousal hence why men once shamefully looked down on sexual assault victim’s. They could only imagine that she was “asking for it” because they could not imagine having sex without wanting it and being aroused. As a result, if a woman is having lots of sex, that indicates that she is either unsatisfied or incapable of being satisfied by one man…him. As a result, she is likely to compare him to other men and ultimately will leave him for another man or get one on the side and then we are back to my first point. Unfair, I know.
    Therefore, you can sleep around, but the more open and notorious you are about it, the less that a man is going to want to invest himself in you. There are men that will, but when you have a fight, he might bring it up. Why? because, he is a man.

  • Reply a October 13, 2013 at 8:32 am

    i just wanted to say I’m a guy, dude, male, who reads your blog because i like your writing and your thoughts are of interest. I’d be interested in your view on…everything. beau travail!

  • Reply Marie October 24, 2013 at 9:59 am

    This made me very sad, Karley. To see how you’re now accepting the culturally conservative paradigm saying that for women sex is a tool and should be used strategically, for men sex is pleasure alone. To deny the existing double standards regarding sex, gender, sexual expectations and social judgements / consequenses is really stupid and iloyal. I think your answer does perform a subtile form of slut shaming (the dumb slut who fucks because she’s horny or because she doesn’t think casual sex is a big deal vs. the wise, competent chik, who’s only embracing the slut-label as fashion thing, but fucks strategically and classy and take care not to be cheap). Just emagining this part of the answer with opposite gender positions: “Well, the guys you fucked are most likely going to approach you for sex again. Since they probably think you’re easy, they’ll want you as a casual fuck. However, from now on you have to deny them sex, which will give you back the power. ”
    Also the slut rules that you propse are all great until the last one, bacause while the first ones are about not hurting anyone and not being a bad person, the last one is about not being the “been-there-done-that girl” bacause then your not sexually attractive for guys. Yeah well, that at least how society constructs male desire and women just have to act strategically according to these constructions instead of fighting them and gain the same sexual freedom withot social judgements / personal shame that most men enjoy? And her “emotional mishap” has nothing to do with collective gender norms about sexuality and everything to do with her own individual stupid slutty behaviour? Disapointing analysis.

  • Reply lyli October 24, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    you’re SO wise

  • Reply alternativeastrology November 4, 2013 at 5:36 am

    First time on your blog, or whatever. Wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but your advice here is brilliant, honest and funny. I really appreciate your work. Amazing. xok

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