Dear Slutever, My ex and I managed to stay friends after our rocky relationship and even rockier breakup, and have been sexting for about a year now, despite him having been been in a new relationship for a year and a half. I get that it’s wrong or whatever, but how do I get him to fuck me? I really miss our great physical chemistry, but he’s very unwilling to take the next step in our little tryst because he’s a nice guy and thinks he’s in love. Sincerely, Morally Corrupt and Horny
OK, you need to move on. It’s not a good look to be a desperate ho, stalking your ex because you can’t find anyone new to distract yourself with. You ex moved on, so should you. He’s not in love with you anymore, hence him being “very unwilling” to have sex with you, and being in love with someone else. It makes you look traj to keep trying. If you keep on like this you’re going to end up like Charlize Theron’s character in Young Adult, drunk and depressed at 37, unsuccessfully trying to make out with your high school boyfriend at his kid’s birthday party, while his wife is in the other room.
And anyway, what is getting him to fuck you going to achieve, other than emotional pain for everyone? Are you the type of person who craves drama 24/7? You had a rocky relationship and rockier break-up with him, and now you’re going back for more? Why? Do the world a favor and don’t pull your ex and his new love into your drama cyclone. Here’s a general life tip: Being a bad person doesn’t make you feel good, it makes you feel bad–duh.
Sometimes when we’re bored and not in-crush with anyone, we get confused and feel like we still want to be with the most recent person we shared intimacy with. It happens to the best of us. But think back–you and your ex-boyfriend aren’t together for a reason. Try to remember what that reason (or reasons, more likely) is. And then join Tinder or something.
So a few months ago I slept with a bunch of guys, including some of my male friends, all within the same short period. I don’t even know why, I guess I was just having a slutty week or something. But now it’s coming back to bite me in the ass because everyone (obviously) has found out and thinks I’ll just fuck anything. I feel super gross, and I know it’s just because of a stupid double standard, but it still sucks. And the worst part is, I actually LIKED one of the guys, but I don’t think he wants anything with me, probably because he’s lost all respect for me and/or thinks that I just boned him like I boned everyone else :( I feel like shit about myself and I don’t want to. Why can’t I just be like a guy and be proud of my sexual conquests?!?! Amanda
You know me–I’m all for being a liberated sexual butterfly. Being a slut is very trendy these days! But like anything, there’s a right way and a not-so-right-way to go about being a slut. Unfortunately, we can’t just sleep with whoever we want whenever we want 24/7, and expect that it won’t have an effect on ourselves and the people around us. In Buddhism they follow something called The Five Precepts, which is basically a five-point moral code to live by. One of the points translates to: “Do not misuse sex.” Damn, those Buddhists are wise.
I had to learn the hard way that sex is a tool–a very powerful tool–that can be use a right way and a wrong way, to help you or to hurt you, for good or for evil. That probably sounds over-dramatic, but it’s true. Sex can create amazing bonds between people, it can make you happy or sad, it can advance your career (no qualms about that over here!), it can make you money, it can have profound effects on your confidence, and it can be a weapon. It can even destroy presidencies! That’s not a double standard, those are just the facts of life.
When I was in my early twenties, I made the mistake of sleeping with a lot of people within the same friend ground. I remember being at a concert one night and standing with about 10 of my friends, and looking around the circle and realizing that I’d slept with every single one of them, male and female. And at the time I found it sort of funny, but mainly I just felt traj, because it occurred to me that none of my sexual encounters with any of those people were particularly memorable, and that actually, I hadn’t gotten anything valuable out of them…. other than maybe an orgasm (but probably not even that). In the end the sexual experiences hadn’t been worth it, and I wished I could take them back.
Now, don’t get me wrong: I think it’s totally fine to act ho-ish on occasion, to sleep with someone on a first date, to fuck a stranger in the bathroom of a bar, etc. But part of the thrill of that type of behavior is that it feels illicit and mysterious. It’s way sexier to be calculated, selective and discreet about your sex life, than it is to be sloppy and flagrant about it. (And I realize that may sound weird coming from me, a sex blogger, but there are some things I don’t tell you guys about…)
So, to keep an emotional mishap like this from happening again, from now on there are a few key slut rules that you (and all of us) should follow. For example: don’t sleep with a friend’s boyfriend; don’t sleep with a friend’s serious ex; don’t sleep with someone you plan on having an ongoing professional relationship with (often a hard one!); don’t sleep with close friends (unless you don’t mind that the dynamic of your friendship with most likely change after sex); and… don’t sleep with a bunch of people within the same friend group, because then you just become the been-there-done-that girl, and that’s not hot. And honestly, I don’t even think that’s a double standard. If one of my guy friends had slept with the majority of my female friends, I would find it sort of weird. It’s just not a very classy thing to do, ya know? There’s enough people in the world and online that we shouldn’t have to sleep with our BFFs. Thank god.
So, how do you get in with the guy you actually like? Well, the guys you fucked are most likely going to approach you for sex again. Since they probably think you’re easy, they’ll want you as a casual fuck. However, from now on you have to deny them sex, which will give you back the power. After you’ve denied a few of them, and waited a while for the smoke from your sex rampage to blow over, then you should make a move on your crush.
The moral of the story is: fuck wisely.