Ask Slutever

Pube undies by Marianne Murray (and btw she made these before the whole American Apparel pube mannequin thing)

I have a female friend who I’m at art school with, and she recently started texting me erotic photos and porn, and then last night she texted me asking me to fuck her. I was shocked! I said I couldn’t, but then she responded saying the sex would be incredibly hot and different. I’m confused actually, because I don’t really like her and I wholeheartedly don’t want to have sex, however I know that will make her sad. By the way I’m 26, she’s 21, but I prefer women older than her, like 35-45. What should I do?? Zach

As a general rule, if someone tries to have sex with you, you should have sex with them back–it’s only polite. However, if you wholeheartedly don’t want to, or you have to be somewhere else because of an emergency, etc, then there are methods of getting out of it. For example, why don’t you text her saying, “Hey, no hard feelings but I think we’re better as friends… but maybe you could introduce me to your mother?” Alternatively, if that seems too difficult or insensitive, you could use my preferred method, and the next time she contacts you for sex just say, “Oh shit sorry, I can’t hang tonight, I have a birthday party to go to.” And then the next time she sends you a sexy text, you make a similar excuse, and if all goes to plan she will eventually just gets the hint and stop sexting, allowing you to ease with only mild awkwardness back into the friend zone, after which you can both pretend like the whole thing never happened, even though you’ll both always remember that it did, and it will probably be somewhere in the back of your minds every time you speak to each other from now until eternity.

I’m a 19 year old French girl, and I’m wondering: Do you ever feel bad after a one night stand? I’ve had a few in the past couple months and I just hate the feeling afterwards, like the guys didn’t take my number and it made me feel like an “easy girl.” It’s not like I expect guys to fall in love with me just because we have sex, lol, but I still feel disappointed afterwards, like I’m not “the one.” You might think, “You’re just not cut out for one night stands,” however when I’m in the moment I feel good, and very sure of myself. The weirdness and regret only come the day after. How do I cope with that? Also, do you think you have to to wait to have sex to form a lasting relationship? AnnaMaria

Well, I have a few ideas about this. First of all, most people have experienced feeling not-the-best after a one night stand, because things that seem like good ideas in the early hours of the morning often reveal themselves to be unnecessary acts of stupidity and desperation the following day (especially when you’re riding the subway home in painful high-heels, covered in the bodily secretions of a mediocre stranger). So you’re not totally alone there. However, this is 2014: you don’t have to wait for a guy to ask you for your number! Especially if he’s already been inside you, for pete’s sake. Have you ever considered that after you parted ways, your one-night-stands might be wondering why you didn’t ask for their info? The morning after a random hook-up is a vulnerable moment for both parties, so you can’t put all the responsibly on the guy. However, it’s also important to consider: Did you really want to see those guys again, or did you just want them to want to see you, for the sake of your own ego?

I generally think that regret is counter-productive, because there’s no use wasting time feeling sorry for yourself about a past decision that you can’t change. Deal with it, it’s been done, move on with your life. However, when regret is useful is when you find yourself continuously regretting the same behavior, because then regret becomes a warning sign that you need to change something. I’m not suggesting that you’re not cut out for causal sex all together, but it does seem like the way you’re engaging in casual sex isn’t working out for you, and something needs to be adjusted.

Casual sex has the power to make you feel totally amazing and satisfied, but it can also make you feel like a piece of shit. The difference in results usually has to do with the person’s motivation–i.e., are you having casual sex for the “right reasons” or the “wrong reasons”? You know it’s a “right reason” when your decision to have sex is very clear and autonomous. For example: you (soberly) find someone attractive and interesting and want them inside you; you’re curious and want to explore your sexuality, and think anonymous sex is an important experience to have; or, you’re horny and want to experience something new and different. Now, here’s some “wrongs reasons”: peer pressure; because you’re drunk; pressure from a guy; or, because you’re secretly hoping that the sex will lead to something more serious, while pretending to yourself and your partner that the encounter is purely physical and fun. And judging by your question, I think that last “wrong reason” might be the case for you.

I don’t think you have to wait to have sex to form a lasting relationship. However, I also think that drunkenly fucking guys and then not making an effort to get their phone number is not the best way to get a boyfriend. Your behavior is making you feel bad so you should try something different and see if it makes you feel good! Go out with someone from OKCupid, don’t blackout, wait a few dates to have sex, and who knows… maybe something ~magical~ will happen, lol.

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for a couple months and I’m happy about the relationship, however when it comes to sex… well I’m kinda new at these things. He does everything perfectly to me and I’m satisfied, but I have no idea how to please him. I’m scared that if I suck his dick, for example, I’ll look like a complete slut, and I don’t want that! What should I do? Quinn

OK what? On one hand, it’s nice to know that people like you can still exist in the modern world. However on the other hand I feel scared about your cluelessness and think you need to watch some porn right now. I guarantee your boyfriend watches porn–or at least he has in his lifetime a considerable amount of times–so this will give you some insight into what’s going on in his mind when he jerks-off and/or thinks about sex. After you’ve watched a woman with bad plastic surgery being anally gang-banged and then bukakke’d by a group of prison inmates, you’ll understand why the image of your girlfriend giving you a blow-job could never be seen as slutty, but only as a gesture of true affection and intimacy (even if you’re making porn-face). While pornography is pretty well known to misinform men as to how to please a woman (i.e. “the easiest way to make a girl cum is to bend her over, smack various parts of her body with your hands and then vaginally spear her without foreplay”), porn can still be a good source of basic information–i.e. what goes where, possibilities of positions, etc–and it will likely inspire you with some sexy ideas.

If after that you’re still paralyzed in bed, why don’t you just ask your boyfriend, “What do you like?” or “How can I please you?” Sometimes the hardest-seeming problems have the simplest solutions! Of course, when asking questions like these, delivery is important. Try not to scream the question or to sound overly panicked. Rather, if you make your voice sound all breathy and comforting, like Scarlett Johansson’s voice-over in Her, I’m almost positive you’ll get the response you’re looking for.

P.S. I originally wrote this post for Vice

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One Response to Ask Slutever

  1. Wyatt says:

    Is Zach for real? What a dilemma. 21 year old art school girls are sexting him and asking to bang him. Sounds rough. And a 19 year old girl afraid to suck dick for fear of looking foolish. She should be in a glass case and put on display in a museum or something. Not knowing how to give a BJ can be fixed in about 8 minutes. Not knowing how to lick a vagina usually takes years to correct. I think Quinn is gonna be AOK.

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