I’m a 23 year old girl and I’ve always had a very high libido and been fairly sexually adventurous. The problem is, I seem to constantly make stupid choices when it comes to sex. If I’m feeling depressed, the way I cheer myself up is getting dressed up really sexy and going out and flirting with tons of guys, and then usually taking one home. They’re generally guys that aren’t that hot or cool–not the type I would seriously date–and I sort of get off on the fact that they are losers, which I guess is fine, bu I’d be too embarrassed to tell my friends about any of these guys, because I’m scared they would judge me.
I also feel bad because sometimes I fuck guys just because they fulfill a specific fantasy of mine. Like a couple months ago I slept with a Spanish guy just because I had been masturbating to the idea of fucking someone of “his type” recently, and then afterward I felt like I had used him. Aren’t we supposed to have sex with people because we actually like them, rather than because they look like someone you orgasmed to in your head? Also I had sex with two boys at once, and even though I loved it in the moment, the next morning I felt like a total slut and ashamed, and like a respectable woman would never do that. I feel conflicted because on one hand I love being sexually adventurous, but at the same time (and I know this sounds mega cheesy) I get jealous when I think about these girls with perfect sex lives when mine seems to be so unglamorous. lol. HELP. Anonymous
Back in my early twenties, during one of my more intense self-destructive sex addict phases, this older guy I was sleeping with said to me: “The hole you’re trying to fill, Karley, isn’t in your pussy, your ass or your mouth. You need to figure out what’s missing in your life and tend to it, otherwise you’re just going to end up fucking yourself into oblivion.” Apparently the statement resonated with me, because I’ve continued to ponder it for years afterward.
From what you wrote about sleeping with people to aid your depression, it seems like you use sex as a way to distract yourself from whatever is bothering you in your life. You feel bad about yourself so you go and fuck someone because you see sex as an “achievement.” Sex makes you feel good, wanted, desirable–afterward it’s almost like you accomplished something. Instant gratification. Well, I can definitely relate to those impulses. It’s almost like using sex as a form of therapy, which I don’t think is always a bad thing, but maybe you should take some time to work out what it is about yourself or your life that you’re unhappy with and make it better, otherwise, as the wise old man said, you’re just going to end up fucking yourself into oblivion. Or getting herpes.
No one has the perfect sex life. What does that even mean? We’ve all experienced guilt in relation to sex, or regretted sleeping with someone, or fucked someone we didn’t really like just because we were horny. If you’re the sort of person who sleeps with a lot of people, these little hiccups are going to happen from time to time. Also, who says it’s wrong to fuck someone because they fulfill a fantasy? There are many reasons people have sex–because we’re horny or lonely or in love or possessive or thrill-seeking or whatever. I don’t think any of them are “wrong.” Who says love has to be what motivates us to have sex? Why can’t we just want sex because we’re bored? A lot of the sex I’ve had in my life I did just because I knew it would make a good story later. Who cares?
Basically, random hook-ups will make you feel good momentarily but in the long run they won’t cure your depression. And in the meantime you need to stop feeling so guilty about the sex you’re having, because as long as you’re being careful then you’re allowed to fuck losers and Spanish people and be DP’d and essentially be as unglamorous as you like, because there are no rules, and if nothing else you’ll have lots of interesting stories to share later in life.
I’m a 20 year old girl and I’ve been having sex since I was 14. Like every other teenager, I spent most of my adolescent sex life hoping I’d remembered to shave my armpits and praying I didn’t queef. I feel reasonably better enlightened now, but am still confused about something: I have been able to give myself clitoral orgasms since I was like 13, and other people have given me them too. But when you (and about every other girl on the planet) talks about cumming, either during sex or on your own, do you mean a clitoral orgasm? Because I’ve tried to have a vaginal one for years, by having sex in freaky as fuck positions, fucking for like a million years, or imagining Tom Selleck’s dick or whatever, and nothing works. I know that some girls can’t, or don’t until they’re 60 (when they have a Samantha Jones sexual turn). But even when I have an orgasm during sex, it’s still a clitoral one (through stimulation), and even though I’m being fucked, the dickage is just kind of a nice extra feeling below. Am I just semantically confused and the world is actually talking about what I’m experiencing when they talk of orgasms during sex, or am I missing out on a whole plethora of orgasmic fun? Mel, SF
Thank fucking god. You took the words right out of my mouth, literally. I, for one, can not have “vaginal orgasms,” or g-spot orgasms, or whatever is it you want to call them (if they even exist). When I cum during sex it’s from clitoral stimulation, either from my own finger (most likely) or from the guy’s fingers, or from getting on top and sort of grinding my clit against the guy’s stomach area. For years I was convinced that every girl who talked about having g-spot orgasms was straight-up lying, however at this point enough trustworthy people have sworn to me that they’ve experienced the elusive g-spot climax that I guess I believe it’s true. Although TBH, in the back of my mind I still wonder whether those people are just fundamentally confused about what they’re feeling and where.
But yes, as you so eloquently put it, “the dickage is just kind of a nice extra feeling below.” For me, on a purely physical level, sex doesn’t feel better than masturbating. It’s actually the other way around, because my orgasms are more intense when there isn’t some idiot distracting me. However sex is obviously more “fun” than jerking-off because it’s interactive and unpredictable and you get to perform and all that stuff–sort of like being in a real life porno! And also there’s the whole emotional element of sex that can add to the intensity of the experience or whatever… although I’ve never been so good at that part, so maybe I’m not the best person to ask about that.
Basically, I think every vagina is different, and some girls were just blessed with talented vaginas that can cum through internal stimulation. Lucky bitches. Unforch, you and I are not those girls, and I doubt I will ever suddenly get to a point when it will just happen for me, because like you I’ve exhausted most of the position/duration/partner sex combos and have had no luck. Or even gotten close.
The moral of the story is: I hate my vagina.