Ask Slutever

Photos by Sandy Kim

I recently gave out some Slutever advice for Oyster magazine’s all-female issue. You can read it below. I also interviewed Aurel Schmidt for the same issue, which I posted a few weeks ago. If you can, get your hands on a copy! Totally amazing girlpower vibes!

1. Dear Slutever, My boyfriend has moved to Berlin for 5 months, but we’ve only been together for 3 weeks. What do I do if he asks me to take my top off on webcam?

Uh… take if off, duh. He’s your boyfriend, which means he’s allowed to see your boobs. Also, FYI, I don’t know what you guys have planned monogamy-wise while he’s gone, but it seems kind of crazy to devote yourself to someone you’ve only know for three weeks for five whole months. No sex for nearly half a year?! Technically speaking, your vagina might sew itself shut.

2. I’ve been on a few dates with my crush, but I find him really intimidating as I think he’s been with lots of girls. How can I be more “sexy”?

Boys have simple brains (especially when it comes to sex) which means they are pretty easy to manipulate. Basically, all you have to do to make a guy want you is to act like you don’t care about fucking him. Show up to your date looking like a babe, but then don’t come on strong; make him work for it. Aloof = sexy. See, simple! (Although TBH it’s not as simple as it seems. I have no fucking self-control and am probably the most un-aloof person on the planet. God, I hate myself, why can’t I take my own advice?)

Also, I’ll let you in on a little secret: sex isn’t complicated. You shouldn’t be intimidated by a guy with more experience than you, because for girls, there’s no way we can really “mess up”. Guys run the risk of not being able to get hard, or losing their boner, or cumming too quickly, so they have reasons to be nervous. But us girls have it easy. The worst thing you can do is to freeze up and get all weird and panicky, so just chiiill. And if all else fails, once you’re getting sexy, just starting giving him head (like praying, fellatio makes more of an impact when performed on the knees), then, after a minute or so look up at him and say, “Do I look good with your dick in my mouth?” They always say yes.

3. How many times can you drunk text a guy without him replying before you delete his number from  your phone?

I’d say once. Max two if you’re really desperate to fuck him, but beware that you might come across as a bit tragic. But I mean, we’ve all been there…

It’s kind of embarrassing to live your life based on advice you picked up from crap rom-coms, but in that movie He’s Just Not That Into You, the Mac Computer Guy says something really profound. He says, “If a guy wants to see you, believe me, he will see you.” And it’s true–if your crush wants to hang, he’ll get in touch. After you’ve sent him one drunk text, you’ve pretty much laid it out on the table: you want to fuck him. He gets it. There’s no other reason you were texting him at 1am. So now the ball is in his court, and if he never gets in touch again, it means he doesn’t want to fuck you. Sad face! #WhateverHeSucks

4. I have blonde hair, and when I wear red lipstick I either look crazy or like an actual whore. Why is this? What do I do? I own so many red lipsticks.

Wait, is looking like an actual whore bad? Says who? According to my favorite sex blogger SugarTits, there are three types of girls: girls who are cute, girls who are beautiful, and girls who have sex face. So maybe you just have sex face, but that’s certainly not something you should be complaining about.

Also, red lipstick with blonde hair is such a classic look. Have you ever heard of Marilyn Monroe? Jayne Mansfield? Gwen Stefani? Did they look like whores? Well… kind of, but that was the point. Also, here’s a makeup tip: although there are a select few girls who can pull off a full face of makeup, generally speaking you have to choose between a heavy eye or heavy lipstick, otherwise you just end up looking like a tranny and/or Christina Aguilera.

Comments

comments

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8 Responses to Ask Slutever

  1. Elle says:

    Okay, this is seriously awesome! I laughed my way through this post and yet I still got useful information from it. Thanks!

  2. Brittany Paul says:

    I used the do-I-look-good-with-your-dick-in-my-mouth trick and thought you should know it was a real sweet moment :) thanks! <3

  3. Heather says:

    I’ve tried the ‘do I look good with your dick in my mouth’ thing with my boyfriend, and all I got was a ‘meh’. So this just proves that monogamy has it’s draw backs. Maybe it’s because I have a ‘cute face’ and can’t be taken seriously when penis is added to the equation.

  4. Honey says:

    “do I look good with your dick in my mouth?” is solid, I never thought of that. I also like “am I being a good girl for you?” and “tell me how good that feels,” as they have the dual benefits of sounding sexy and potentially getting necessary information from them about what they like.

  5. jg323 says:

    act as if you don’t like the guy you actually like (aloof does not equal sexy, aloof=*not friendly & *distant) so he will like you more, this advice has been around since the ice age…news flash?, if we’re talking to you we like you, we want to fuck you…what’s simple is the question “are you looking for something after this”, whether asked by you or him…perfectly reasonable question and much safer in the short run/long run for both parties than simply acting like a bitch for the sake of *being sexy?, + you never know how it will turn out…you could meet someone special/awesome…or you simply could get laid and have a great night with someone, win/win…acting unfriendly and distant to someone you’re completely uninterested in while acting unfriendly and distant to the guy you’re completely interested in, yeah that’s stellar advice…leave the “aloofness” at home and concentrate on being unfriendly to the men you’re actually uninterested in as opposed to…

    p.s. love the blog
    p.s.s. your ass was made for that tight pink skirt/dress, whatever the hell it is!

  6. misskyotobunny says:

    Hey hey,
    I was wondering if you were doing anymore Ask Slutever things soon?
    Needless to say, I’m having a boy/love issue and it’s making me fucking mental and self-absorbed.

    Maybe when you have another Ask, me and some other sexy ladies and gents can seek your advice?

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