My good friend Josh Rawson from the band The Felice Brothers has, yet again, contributed some wisdom nuggets for Ask Slutever. I’m feeling a small amount of resentment as I post this because I’m afraid that Josh is actually better at giving advice than me, but, as they say, “Don’t hate. Appreciate!” Whatever. Enjoy!
Recently my girlfriend dumped me. Even though we were only going out for six months I really love her and wanted a future with her. I can get through workdays OK, but when I get home on my own it hits me and I get really depressed. One reason she gave for breaking up with me was that I was too nice to her–she is used to being treated horribly. I try my best to treat others as I would like to be treated, to get my friends, family and loved ones gifts, and not to be mean to anybody, because that just makes me feel awful. Are there girls out there that like being treated well, who are nice back? I’m not that good looking and I’m feeling totally unconfident. I’m beginning to think there’s something wrong with me. Adam, VT
Josh: Oh Adam, no one wants to be the king of Bummertown, so just take a second and relax. I hate to break it to you but your ex is the worst. And the fact is, it’s true: no one likes people who are nice to them. Sorry. We all want someone who is too cool to actually be nice. But being cool really sucks—looking off into the distance forever, listening to lo-fi post house rape rap trance for a second and then declaring it dead, always waiting for American Apparel to call you back about a modeling gig, pretending like you’re too deep in a dreamy haze to even recognize people, waiting two weeks to reply to a text that simply says “what’s up?”—well those things all suck. Sounds like you really fucked up by being kind. You should just be drunk all the time and make fun of her in front of your friends. That’s some sexy shit. Get over her. You seem like a decent guy. Don’t take everything so seriously. Relax a bit. Don’t be super sensitive. And what’s with this ‘I’m not that good looking’ bullshit? We are all just a mess of body parts. It’s just a bunch of skin and dicks and noses and legs and breasts and hair and sometimes ponytails. What’s the difference? It’s all the same stuff. If the internet has taught us anything, it’s that weird looking people get laid on the regs. Watch VH1, those people are the real ugly ones. Everyone has something wrong with them. It’s called being a human being walking around eating, sleeping, trying to fuck things, and eventually dying. Just try to have some fun or something. Listen to “Kokomo” by the Beach Boys, drink a Capri Sun, and watch the clouds roll by.
Dear Slutever, I met this guy through friends about four years ago. We’ve been texting/emailing pretty constantly since and I’m meeting up with him next month. Already that’s weird because I have no idea why he would wait this long to meet me, but I REALLY like him, he’s my exact type! But the only thing is, I think he’s a pretty major virgin. And I’m pretty much the opposite of that. We’re going to a bar, just the two of us, so I’m PRETTY sure it’s a date. How can I make him want me and not freak him out? HELP! Annie, UK
Wear a Kangol hat like LL Cool J. Tell him all about how taking gluten out of your diet really changed your life. If there’s any awkward silences immediately start freestyling. Type out a list of your sexual history. Get a little poetic with it but don’t bog down the prose too much. The real point is to intimidate him. Fear is an aphrodisiac. Keep freestying even if it’s not going well. Maybe throw in a couple Rick Ross verses he might not notice. Tell him you wish the movie the Bucket List had “more fucking” in it. Or just act how you normally act and I’m sure it will go fine. You guys will laugh and drink and hold hands at the perfect moment and kiss with your eyes closed.
I’m 17, a senior in high school, gay and boyfriendless. My question: how do you meet people on the internet? How do you establish a real good connection? There is a super sexy man who lives in the UK who I want to have a long distance relationship with, but I’m afraid that if I make the wrong move I will blow any chance ever. What do I say? Do I just send him an email!? Also, there is the problem of my age. Should I lie and say that I’m already 18? I’m turning 18 in June, so it’s not like it’s a big deal or whatever, but I don’t want to scare him away. I have also never had a boyfriend before, because none of the gay people I know are good enough for me. I feel like if I miss my chance I will not have a boyfriend for a very long time. He is everything I want and need and I will not find another man like him for a long time. What do I do!?
1. Type in “meet people on the internet” into Google.
2. Establish a real good connection by sending him blurry mysterious photos. Type things in an email. Type sentences. Type sentences that end with exclamation points so he knows you are psyched. Type sentences where the grammar is so bad that they could mean many different things. Type those smiley face things ;( at random. Type XXs. Type lots and lots of Xs, fill entire emails with them. Make the subject “establishing real good connection”.
3. Say “let’s not blow any chance ever obvs,” for good measure.
4. Write him an email. See answer 2 for more details.
5. Scare him. Tell him your real age.
6. Everything you want and need may not have to do with sending emails to strange English men on the internet. Just guessing.
7a. Hanging out with people in real life is kinda cool.
7b. It’s actually cooler cuz you can high five with real people. Share snacks. And like be outside with them. Near trees. Maybe a waterfall. Oh yeah you can gaze at a waterfall while holding hands. You gotta try that shit. Unreal. You’ll totally not even wanna check your email. You’ll just be like “Damn those birds be singing real pretty right now. These butterflies colors be fucking my head up for real. Oh I like you squirrel. Fuck Craiglist.”
8. You’re 17, I’m sure you will meet more people. It’s at least a possibility.
9. This whole thing kinda seems like a bad idea.
10. Don’t write him an email. Disregard answers 2, 3 and 4.