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Ask Slutever (AKA Ask Josh)

October 3, 2011

In high school my BFF Josh Rawson used to say ‘slutever’ instead of ‘whatever’, which at the time was the funniest thing on earth. That was around 2000. I can’t say for sure that Josh made the word up–that was before we all had internet so I wasn’t down with the global slang–but he was the first person I ever heard say it. Then when I started my blog in 2007 I named it Slutever and pretended I invented it (obviously), however I think it’s about time I gave Josh some credit for creating what is clearly the greatest word ever spoken by man.

Josh is now in a band called The Felice Brothers, who make super abstract post-modern folk upside down Burroughs church jet lag rock. (Lol?) This is the super creepy video for their new single “Fire at the Pageant,” from their recent album, Celebration, Flordia. Josh made the video. Watching it will give you some insight into what the town we grew up in is like. That’s him in the vid coming out of a garbage can with a bag over his head, and again out of a car trunk in a dress. I’m also in it very briefly, see if you can spot me. #VideoHoe4Life

For this installment of Ask Slutever I enlisted Josh to answer some of your very important questions. He’s always been good at giving me life advice, so I thought I’d be nice and share his brain with you.

1. I’m 26 and have been dating a guy for 6 months. Our sex is good in a very normal, loving way, which I’m fine with. Then the other day in the heat of the moment I said “Fuck me harder.” Pretty standard dirty talk. But he clearly liked it and tried to get me to keep talking, but I couldn’t think of anything to say! And since then he’s told me he likes dirty talk but I’m always too embarrassed to do it because I feel like I sound so corny. How does one go about talking dirty and what are some good things to say?
Alright, here’s the deal: try to convince him you spent some time abroad in a Spanish speaking country. Or that your father is Dominican or something. Then just make up some vaguely Spanish sounding gibberish and scream it at him while he’s inside you. Throw in “papi” like every two made up words. His imagination will dream up totally amazing things and you will seem super mysterious. If that doesn’t work just yell “I wanna bake the pizza in your wet stupid mouth! You’re so fucking homeless and old!”, and he will probz forget about ever being dirty again.

2. Do boys have very specific types? I’m really into this guy in my math class, but I know for a fact his last girlfriend tall with long dark hair, and I’m average height (verging on short) with a blonde chin-length bob, which makes me think I shouldn’t even try because he clearly likes a different type of look.
Tall girls with long dark hair are so stone age. Blonde girls with bobs verging on short are totally future post apocalypse World War 3. You are so ahead of your time. Go girl. But the problem is, you guys are in math class together. He is obviously just thinking about long division, pi, and obtuse triangles. Boys are always too deeply invested in their studies to be aware of what girls look like. You should just forget about him and focus on becoming a doctor. Then you can be all like, “I’m a beautiful successful doctor and you’re just some asshole. Now get the fuck outta here, I’ve got lives to save.”

3. I’m only 18 but I’ve just come out of a 3 year relationship, and I feel like I’ve missed out on some valuable free-love time. I don’t know how to get in on all the teenage sex I’ve missed out on, i.e. when everyone gets together at parties and it’s all just for funsies. I need to get ma flirt on but I’m not sure how…
There are always gonna be parties where people wanna do it just for funsies. No matter how old people get they will always wanna fuck each other (get this) just for pleasure! Whoa, pretty insane! Hooray! Free love! From orgies in Central Park to lonely middle aged people getting drunk at Ruby Tuesday’s, people will always wanna have funsies without thinking about consequences, like “Who the hell is this person?” or “This stuff makes babies sometimes!?”

For now I would just focus on stuff only teens can do, like having your own show on the Disney Channel, being a teen pop sensation, making important teen career choices with your publicist, making sure your Nikes match your tiny fitted hat at the Teen Choice Awards, making sure the movie industry takes you seriously, being cute, not being tired ALL the time, eating a whole can of Pringles without feeling like sad sack of shit afterwards, and most importantly, not being a miserable adult. LOL.

Send more questions–anything really!–to karleysciortino@gmail.com with the subject ASK SLUTEVER!

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8 Comments

  • Reply ferocious October 4, 2011 at 5:23 am

    I saw them play at Bonnaroo

  • Reply lizzzie October 4, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    some of the best advice I've ever read

  • Reply quackenbush October 4, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    Yeah good stuff man. A minor quibble though: all the vids on this page play automatically, making a weird soundclash type thing fagwan. It's actually not unpleasant. Just thought you shld know.

  • Reply erica October 5, 2011 at 5:32 am

    "Boys are always too deeply invested in their studies to be aware of what girls look like." Is this true? If so I've been wasting my time.Thank you otherwise.

  • Reply gunderscores October 6, 2011 at 12:13 am

    The "boys being invested in their studies" thing is so true! I was in love with this guy in my chemistry class and would go out of my way to pass him in the hall etc. I did this for a whole year and nothing. BAM. Met a hotter guy on a night out.

  • Reply sasa October 6, 2011 at 5:18 am

    omg, the thought of talking dirty in spanish gibberish, throwing in 'papi' every few words, cracked me up. more josh, please.

  • Reply pervert October 6, 2011 at 5:44 am

    "Boys are always too deeply invested in their studies to be aware of what girls look like." Is this true? If so I've been wasting my time.Thank you otherwise."the fuck is this advice, seriously? no matter how 'invested in their studies' they may be, teenage boys always suss out anything with a vagina within the first 10 minutes of meeting them. whether or not they take further action is a different story. so to the post-apocalyptic midget with the blonde bob – just make a move!

  • Reply dgsa October 8, 2011 at 3:27 am

    where can I read everything this person has ever written?

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