Sup yo? Bored? Then you should read my latest installment of Ask Slutever, originally for the fabulous online boutique I Don’t Like Mondays!
1. Dear Slutever,
I live in Australia and go to an all girls Catholic school. I’m 16, half English/half Caribbean, and what some people call ‘exotic’. Basically it means I don’t look like anyone else around here. It makes me cringe writing it, but a lot of older men seem to be drawn to me. I don’t mean gorgeous, 20-something tourists, I mean more like 50-90 year old men. It’s gross! Like the first dick I ever saw was a homeless man wanking intensely while staring at me. So what I want to know is, how do you ward off creepy guys without looking like a complete troll? -Anastasia
So wait, the problem is that lots of guys want to fuck you? Bitch, that’s not a problem! One day you will be old with sagging skin and no homeless people will be jerking off to you, and you will resent having been so unappreciative of these generous sexual offerings. Also, I’m just going to put this out there: older guys are better in bed. As someone who has slept with a wide variety of boys/men between the ages of 14 and 53, I can say that with confidence. (The 14 year old was when I was 16, chill.) Boys, as well as girls, get better at sex with age. Boys especially, since for some reason young guys think it’s OK not to give girls head in return for the endless BJs we give them, which it is not!! But thankfully, as men age, they begin to understand that it takes more than just ramming the P in the V repeatedly for four minutes to make a girl cum. Seriously, fuck someone with a child and/or a mortgage and you’ll see what I mean.
And before I shut up I’m going to give you one more (very important) piece of advice: SEX IS POWER. The faster and better you understand this, the most successful you will be in all aspects of your life. I just read a good interview on slate.com with a woman named Catherine Hakim, author of Erotic Capital: The Power of Attraction in the Boardroom and the Bedroom. HERE she talks about how being a babe is just as valuable a form of capital as anything else, and that those who subscribe to the dated feminist idea that women shouldn’t try to be “hot”, and that beauty is superficial and has no value, are actually just fucking themselves over. Basically, use what you’ve got.
2. Despite general society seemingly to have developed an attraction for nerdy, socially awkward, and somewhat unattractive guys now, I find being a nerdy, socially awkward, and somewhat unattractive guy to be quite distressing. For one, I have no friends, and thus no social life, and walking around by myself at lunch really sucks. All because I’m shy as fuck! Also I feel really self-conscious around girls. How can I get a life and not be quite so nerdy, socially awkward and somewhat unattractive? – Scott, CT
This depends on what type of nerd you are. Are you a smart, science nerd? If so, you can be as socially awkward as you want, because that goes with the overall aesthetic. My advice to you is to suck it up, study hard, and I promise that after high school, AKA when the real world begins and people start valuing intelligence over how far you can kick a ball or whatever, you will have more friends and girls wanting to sleep with you than you could ever imagine. However if this is not the case and you are in fact the bad kind of nerd, i.e. just socially awkward with no redeeming qualities to tip the scale, then for Christ’s sake, get good at something! People want to fuck people who are good at stuff: fact. The people in this world with sexual power rarely have it solely because of their looks; it’s because they are exceptional. Defs no one would want to sleep with Wes Anderson or Seth Rogen if their only contributions to the world were working at Starbucks. Joey Ramone and Janis Joplin were legit monsters, but they were geniuses and therefore could fuck and/or friend whoever they wanted. Now go, carpe the diem!
3. I recently turned eighteen and I’m increasingly wondering whether I should cure myself of a quite serious case of virginity. I’ve been offered sex in the past but I’ve always said no. My question is, should I wait until I’m going out with a girl who I really like before engaging in coit, or just leap on the next girl who can stand to have sex with me? Thanks! Sparrow
This seems to be an issue for a lot of people. My answer to this is simple: THERE ARE NO RULES. People put too much emphasis on what should and should not be done regarding sex, when really the only answer is to just do what feels right. Do you want to have sex with a random girl? If so, then you should. Would you prefer to wait and sleep with someone you love, but feel pressured by social norms to lose your virginity before going to college? If that’s the case, go with your gut and wait. I understand that this answer is neither funny nor witty, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves that most seemingly difficult questions have the simplest of answers.