Ask Slutever for IDLM

Originally written as part of my advice column for the online boutique I Don’t Like Mondays.

Dear Slutever,
I’m horribly depressed. I recently found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, the shock still hasn’t worn off and I’ve yet to confront him. You’re probably reading this thinking I’m a sooky idiot female, which I guess I am, to be honest. We have amazing sex–sex that sends me absolutely insane. I’m beginning to wonder whether I haven’t confronted him because I don’t want to give up the sex. His mum also makes an insane chocolate fudge cake, so that could also be another reason. Do I confront him, ignore it, let it spill out in a drunken psycho yelling fit, or simply break it off?
Depressed in Australia

First of all, you’re not an idiot. Most people in this world have either been cheated on or been the cheater, and that will probably never change because the human race is inherently slutty. Because most of us have the ability to separate sex and love, it means that even if you truly love someone it’s not out of the question that you will make the conscious decision to fuck someone else behind their back at one point or another. That doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person, it just makes you human (i.e. epically flawed).

The thing is, your boyfriend obviously hurt you, which is a problem. If you never agreed to be in an open relationship then sleeping with someone else is grounds for a break up. There are things to think about: did he sleep with someone just one time? Has he slept with lots of other people? Has he been sleeping with a specific person repeatedly? Option three is probably the most serious, because that’s when you enter “emotional cheating” territory, which is the worst kind.What’s important to remember is that monogamy is hard. If two people have a great relationship then I don’t think it should be a deal breaker if someone gets drunk and fucks somebody one night. If your boyfriend needed to fuck another girl it probably has way more to do with his own ego or his sex-crazed man brain than it does with how he feels about you.

The right thing to do is just to talk to him about it. But don’t go in screaming and don’t be drunk when you do it. You have every right to be mad, but screaming won’t solve anything and you need to have a rational conversation. This is probably not the most responsible thing to tell you, but for the sake of honesty I’ll share. A few years ago I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me. I wanted to kill him, but instead I just went out and fucked another guy. Knowing I had fooled around too gave me a sense of mental power, and I felt more confident and less manic when I finally confronted him and recited the pre-planned line “I know you fucked that anorexic skank from LA you illiterate prick.” So uh… yeah, I’m not suggesting you should follow my lead on that one. But the point (I think) I’m trying to make is: don’t play the victim. Do what you want, because there are no rules. If you want to forgive him, then forgive him. It’s not embarrassing. If you want to get threesomed by two farmers to get back at him, then I think that’s fair enough. However if you can’t get over his infidelity and you think it will haunt your relationship forever, then you should break it off. There are lots of guys out there who are good in bed who will send you “absolutely insane” with their boners. It’s a mathematical certainty.

Dear Slutever,
I’m 24 and the longest relationship of my life was seven months. I’ve had sex but I don’t have much experience with girls and I feel like I’m missing the good techniques it takes to be good in bed! Is sex that difficult? Do I have to do acrobatics in order to be good at sex or do I just have low self-confidence?
Nick, Athens

Please, for the love of god, no acrobatics. I’ll make it simple: as a hetero guy, if you want to be good in bed you have to be attentive to the girl and receptive to what turns her on. You know all the screaming orgasms girls have in porn? Yeah, those are fake. Pounding us repeatedly from behind for ten minutes isn’t going to make us cum. Also, we don’t like it when you try to shove it in while we’re still dry. Foreplay is important to us because it takes longer for girls to cum than is does for boys, so you have to rub our boobs and kiss our necks and spank us (maybe?) to allow us time to “get going” or whatever. Some girls can have G-spot orgasms (I hate you), but most of us need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. Well, it’s not rocket science but giving a girl head is normally the most efficient way to turn her on, because you can rub your tongue directly onto the part that feels good. Also, please lick lightly. Jeez, it’s not a stamp.

Also, don’t be afraid to ask a girl what she likes. It shows us that you care and it also means we get to tell you exactly what to do without sounding all demanding. And also, “Tell me what feels good” is just a hot sentence, ya know? Sex is hard to fuck up, so don’t over-think it. Like I’ve said before, sex is meant to be clumsy and awkward. Embrace it.

p.s. Send more questions to KarleySlutever@gmail.com. Anything, really!
 
 
 
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3 Responses to Ask Slutever for IDLM

  1. Hannah says:

    Karley! I read this and your advice was great. Especially the first one, about how the dude cheated on the girl. Your advice was very unconventional yet perfect, especially the part about how you can love someone and still want to have sex with other people. I think a lot of people need to understand this more. I wish I could ask you for advice on every single one of my problems , for real.

  2. anon says:

    hey, what movie is that picture from?

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