Ask Slutever for IDLM

Photo by Stacey Mark
 
Here’s my newest advice column, originally written for the lovely online boutique, I Don’t Like Mondays.(#JeffreyCampbell)

Dear Slutever, I am 21, soon to be 22. I have noticed–or maybe it’s my own insecurity–that lots of men/boys prefer younger girls. You know, ‘jailbait’, ‘teenagers’, ‘underaged’–whatever. Even on the porn sites I frequent a huge majority of titles claim to show ‘teens’ having sex, or look at Vice where they seem to love to show naked young girls. Maybe I’m jealous because I’m already 21/22 and I’m scared that men will prefer someone younger (to bang or for a serious relationship). I have a boyfriend who is 10 years older than me, but he even dated someone younger than me (she was just 16), so somehow it stuck to my head that being a teenager is the best way to hook up with men. Do you agree as well that a lot of men like younger girls? And for what reasons? It’s like, if you are past 25 or past 30, then you’re old stock already. What can I do about my fear of aging. Alison, Canada

Bitch, I’m twenty-six! Are you trying to tell me I’m too old to fuck? Jeez! It’s OK though, I forgive you (for being totally clueless). For starters, your boyfriend sounds like a pedophile. I’m all for fucking older men, but a man in his early 30s should not be dating a sixteen year old. That’s just a fact. Maybe the reason you feel old is because you’re dating someone who wants to fuck a girl without pubes. He is clearly making you feel insecure, so I recommend you tell him to get a life and a job and start dating someone his own age.

Everyone has issues with aging. You’re entering a “new stage” of your life, and you’re freaking out because you’re not a teenager anymore. But thank god, because teenagers are stupid. And twenty-one year olds are stupid too, most of the time. Twenty-three is the age where most people start being less stupid, and you begin to understand what you want as a person, and that being young and cool and a “party animal” is not the be all and end all. When I was twenty-one I drank a bottle of vodka every day and ate frozen pizzas every night and was fat and unhealthy, and didn’t know my body well enough to work out what clothes or hair styles most suited me. Because I was drunk all the time I never read any books or did anything productive, and I had lots of unmemorable sex with unmemorable guys I met in bars, and I just generally was a hot mess. I’m not saying this is what you’re like, but realistically it probably is what you’re like. And that’s OK (for now), but I suggest you grow up asap. Basically, growing up is a good thing.

Worrying about aging when you’re twenty-one is the most pointless thing you could ever do. You should be worrying about what the fuck you’re going to DO with your life, because you have the whole thing ahead of you. And if you work hard and do great things and be nice to people and don’t destroy your body too much, I guarantee that in five years you will be a more confident, desirable, and all around better human being than you are now.

I recently hooked up with a guy that I’m really into at my staff party. We didn’t have sex because I was on my period (he’s not really into that..) so I was going to suck him off, except I had some difficulties getting him hard. After a lot of trying he finally got hard and we did some hardcore deep throating. Then he told me he was really into be being dominated and that’s why sometimes he can’t get hard from vanilla sex. So the next time he came over I was very dominating and was telling him what to do and hair pulling etc., but he couldn’t get hard for the life of him and he got really moody! Even after a lot of sucking! Next time I want to surprise him and be ultra dominating, but I’m afraid if it doesn’t work after all the effort it could make matters worse. Do you think it’s better to just talk about it, or should I make a trip to Ann Summers to spice things up and not be so vanilla in bed? Courtney, NYC

That’s a difficult one. I dated a guy who had that problem too. The most annoying part was that whenever he did get hard he would try to shove it in ASAP, like, ‘stick it in, now, quick!’ As you can imagine it felt very rushed and not at all sexy. Things didn’t work out between us.

But anyway, I’d say it’s best not to bring it up directly. Asking a guy what’s wrong with his dick is probably the least likely way to give him a boner. However, it’s a good idea to ask him what his ultimate fantasy is. This way you’ll get him to describe exactly what he likes in bed, and you’ll know the best ways to turn him on. It’s basically a sexy, roundabout way of asking “what the fuck can I do to make your dick hard,” without actually having to say that.

Also, you should make him go down on you. You giving him a blow job–even though it seems like it would be helpful–is actually more submissive on your part. Maybe he’s not getting off on you sucking his dick because he feels like he’s in the dominant role while you’re down there, ya know? I think you should just make him your sex toy, and use him to get yourself off. Stop worrying about his penis for a sec and just worry about yourself–masturbate, have him make you cum with his mouth, etc–and he will probably get off on the idea that he’s being used by you. Submissive guys just want to be used, ya know? And this way the entire sex act isn’t centered around his dick, so there’s less pressure on him, and he’ll be less likely to scream ‘shove it in!’ as soon as he gets an erection. Basically, his lazy dick is giving you an excuse to be selfish.

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One Response to Ask Slutever for IDLM

  1. Maddie says:

    Hi! I really love your work. I usually get irritated when people comment to correct a writer’s work. It seems kind of like a douche-baggy thing to do, so please forgive me for this: pedophilia refers to prepubescent bodies. Children. 6 years old, not 16. While I agree with you completely that the relationship with a 16 year old girl is completely inappropriate, it’s not pedophilia. I’m sorry for fussing. I think your work is super rad and I appreciate your blog so much. Thanks, M.

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