Ask Slutever for IDLM

December 6, 2011
Read ASK SLUTEVER on I Don’t Like Mondays!

Dear Slutever,
I’ve been seeing a guy for a month. We have a ton in common, finish each other’s sentences, make the same joke at the same–that kind of thing. We just bought me my first vibrator, we’re getting tested together, we’re saving up to get a strap on so I can fuck him (!), and are so excited about exploring kinky sex together. Plus his brain is a huge turn on (he’s a PhD student), and he gets super turned-on by watching me cum, which I think is just fucking delicious.

So… THE PROBLEM is that is dick is SO SMALL. Don’t be jealous everyone, but I’m used to big dicks. It’s not like he doesn’t know how to use it; he’s adapted to it and knows positions that let him get really deep, that’s cool. But I am not ALWAYS into having my legs in the air, etc, and when he asks me to go down on him it’s so disappointing. The thing is, I think I’m falling in love with him, and he’s perfect except for this one thing. I feel horrible and shallow, but it just is important to me. Is this the kind of thing I can tell him? What do I do? Sandy, CO

OK first of all, OMG DO NOT TELL HIM! Are you crazy? No good could possibly come from that. Devastating him won’t make his dick any bigger, but it will make him insecure which will make the sex you’re having worse. (Unless he’s into erotic humiliation and therefore wants to be teased about his small cock, but in my experience those types of guys normally bring that stuff up right off the bat–subs have no shame–so you’d probably already know it by now.)

So like, I’m just going to go out on a limb and say this: penetrative sex on it’s own doesn’t feel that good. (Boys, take note.) There needs to be other stuff going on than just in-out-in-out in order for us girls to get off, otherwise we’d cum from putting in our tampons. Duh. Yeah, a huge dick is cool (but not too big, because that destroys our cervix), but it doesn’t guarantee good sex. There is so much more to sex than genitals, and from what you’re saying it seems like you guys are experts at the “so much more”.

I dated a guy with a small dick for a while, and he actually made me cum far more than most guys, because to make up for his tiny appendage he got really good at giving head and did it all the time. Sometimes when guys are huge they don’t make enough effort because they think their dick will do all the work for them. False! It’s like how sex with people who are sort of fucked-up looking is better than sex with really hot people, because the fucked-up people always try way harder to make up for their fucked-up-lookingness. (All of this is scientific fact, by the way.)

Finding someone hot and smart who is into you too is near impossible, so don’t waste it. Plus I’m sure there is a bunch of shit wrong with you too that he has to put up with. My advice is, the next time he’s inside you, tell him his dick feels amazing. Sometimes just saying something out loud makes it true.

Photos by Kristen Vicari

Dear Slutever,
I’m a call girl. Not full time, but it’s my livelihood, and I do it because I like it. It’s an adrenaline rush, an ego rub-down, and a lot more interesting than data entry. But at the same time, it’s kind of ostracizing, as it makes any hope of a relationship kind of sticky. I meet cool guys, but never know when to drop the bomb. It always gets weird in the bar when he asks, “So what do you do?” and I respond, “Fuck and sell my tampons, mostly… you?” Should I lie? Should I be all vague and mysterious and only tell a guy after I really like him? Or should I bring it up before we sleep together? I’m too lazy to do the whole double-life thing, and I kind of miss falling asleep next to someone I like. Anonymous, VA

At the risk of sounding moralistic, I think you should be honest. I’m not saying you have to scream “I’m a hooker!” five seconds after meeting someone, but I don’t think you should lie, either. Generally speaking, it’s a bad idea to form a relationship based on lies, because lies always lead to more lies, and in the end you will either come across looking totally evil or totally dumb. (But if you do decide to keep it on the DL remember to set your email so that that it automatically logs out when you close the window, to have a passcode on your phone, and to delete your fucking text messages. #TigerWoods)

But anywayz, I think the main issue here is finding a guy who thinks like you. Most “normal” guys you meet in bars are not going to be cool with dating someone who HJs other guys for a living. Why not try going to fetish nights? Bondage clubs? Or joining alternative dating sites? Yeah, you will encounter some freaks, but I’ve met some incredible people on websites like fetlife.com. (Also, what’s wrong with freaks? Freaks are hot. And let’s be honest, you’re kind of a freak, too.) There’s no reason why you can’t find a guy who would be into having an open-relationship, where you’re both allowed to sleep with other people, but where you keep each other as the main priority. It’s all about balance. For example, my current bf is cool with me being a dominatrix and peeing on creepy old guys for money, and in exchange I sometimes invite my friends over to his house to have threesomes. It’s give-and-take, ya know?

If you truly love what you do, you shouldn’t have to give it up or hide it to find a boyfriend, and if you want someone to like you for who you are, you can’t conceal a massive part of yourself from him. This is getting really cheesy and embarrassing now, but it’s also true so whatev. In the end, it’s important to always remember that anything is possible.

P.S. Watch this video. It’s a good anti jealousy, sex positive relationship anthem.



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  • Reply Helen December 7, 2011 at 12:58 am

    That picture of Kirsty is unreal

  • Reply Sal December 7, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    OMG, Karley, thanks for the Friends link!!! They are my new favorite ♥

  • Reply Laura December 12, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    Kirstie! I’d recognise that Gary tattoo anywhere – Snoreman

  • Reply okapi February 10, 2012 at 11:14 am

    being a sex worker isnt like fucking other people. its just work.
    you dont need an open relationship for that.
    and you doing work and your partner fucking round doesnt make things equal.
    what the fuck babe, learn!

    • Reply karleyslutever February 10, 2012 at 3:37 pm

      It’s not LIKE fucking other people, it IS fucking other people.

      • Reply okapi February 26, 2012 at 5:21 am

        but that isnt the same as having other lovers.
        i know you know what im trying to say!!
        for example if i am a sex worker in a monogs relationship, im not “cheating” when i am with clients.
        whatever i do at work is working.
        it isnt an equal situation for one person to have other lovers outside the primary relationship and the other person is jus doing their work. even if that is fucking clients.
        as a sex worker and someone who has been engaged in open relationships for ten+ years, i guess my lived experience gives me a different perspective to you?

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