Ask Slutever for Jezebel!

Pic @ Jonathan Leder

Read my latest advice column, originally for Jezebel!

I’m a 26-year-old European exchange student currently studying in the US for five months. I have a (relatively new) boyfriend back home who I’m totally into, and before I left we agreed to be monogamous. But now I have a dilemma: I love Chatroulette, and I usually skip over the random masturbating men, but recently I’ve been fantasizing about not skipping over the dicks and engaging in some hot, anonymous Chatroulette-cybersex. Would that be cheating? I want to think not, but I also realize it’s different than porn — it’s an actual sexual interaction with another human being. My boyfriend and I Skype sometimes, but it hasn’t turned into Skype-sex. And besides, the fantasy is more about the anonymity of it. So: cheating or not-cheating?

–G

Well, the concept of “cheating” is subjective, as it completely depends on the boundaries you’ve set with your partner. I realize that probably sounds like moralistic, guidance counselor speak — like as if any couple actually gets together and says, “Hey! Let’s spend the evening drawing out a detailed map of our relationship’s boundaries! BYOCrayons!” However, if you and your boyfriend engage in a reasonable level of communication, then you should hopefully have an understanding of what you both want and expect out of the relationship.

Think of it this way: some people (AKA prudes and religious freaks) think that simply watching porn is cheating. Others consider masturbation cheating, because they support that whole “But what were you thinking about?” argument. (Like as if anyone actually masturbates to the person they’re dating—idiots.) Then, there are people on the other side of the spectrum—for example people in open-relationships—who are totally cool with their significant other taking part in the casual gangbang. Basically, when it comes to cheating, there’s much room for interpretation. In my opinion, the best way to answer these types of moral questions is to reverse the situation in your head, and then think about how you would feel if he did the same thing to you. Would you be OK with your bf jerking-off with some random internet ho? I think the answer to your question lies in your response.

On another note: Bitch, you crazy. Why the heck would you agree to be monogamous with someone you just met, right before you moved to a foreign country for five months?! Five months is sooo long. I wouldn’t be surprised if your vagina sews itself shut by the time you get back. You’re in a new country, meeting lots of new people (AKA a new crop of human dildos), so why limit your potential experiences by devoting yourself to someone you barely know? Do you love this guy? If you do, OK fine, but if not I advise that you wait until your journey abroad is over before putting your vagina on a diet.

Ever since I started having sex I’ve always shaved my vagina without even thinking about it. It may look a bit nicer, but it’s a pain in the ass having to plan ahead and make sure you’re pristinely smooth every time there’s the possibility of sex. I don’t know if I’d like it grown out, but I think I want to try it. But I’m terrified the guy I’m sleeping with will freak out! It’s my body so I can do whatever with it, but should I tell/ask him about it before the experiment begins? Where do you stand on the ‘to shave or not to shave’ debate?

-Reba

Don’t shave. Shaving is for girls in spaghetti strap tank tops who love tanning and have that mysterious type of hair that’s like vaguely crunchy but also somehow permanently wet?? (How the fuck do they do that by the way?) Seriously, every time I see a completely shaved vaj all I can think about is the skin on an uncooked chicken leg—you know what I mean? Like all fleshy and raw, and covered in little bumps. That is not glamorous. When a guy looks at your vagina you want him to be thinking about a mysterious cave of unknown pleasures, not how good it would taste with BBQ sauce.

Shaving is OK for porn stars, because porn is exaggerated and separate from real life (i.e. a realm where it’s totes casual to look into the depths of someone’s gaping butthole), so it’s OK for porn vaginas to be over-exposed and vaguely grotesque. That’s hot in porn world. It’s also fine to shave if you’re a teenager, because teenagers are clueless and haven’t worked out what looks good on them yet. (Also, teenage boys are idiots and generally can’t figure out where the clit is, so it’s probably best not to make things even more difficult with additional hair obstacles.) We all shaved our vaginas in high school, just like we all wore Uggs and got zebra stripe highlights and thought Kelly Clarkson had a “cool, funky style.” But now we’re older and wiser, and this sort of aesthetic ignorance is just unacceptable.

Do not ask the guy you are sleeping with about this, because his opinion doesn’t matter. Listen to me, because I know everything: The premium bush style is a well-groomed triangle. Keep the hair around the lips too — why not? — but remember to wax your butthole for the love of god. For vagspiration, think 80s Madonna circa her Sex Book (#IconicVaj), 60s Jane Birkin (#VintageVaj), Chloe Sevigny (#IndieVaj), and Kate Moss (#ModelVaj). Basically, classy adult women do not shave their vaginas.

Dear Slutever, I am a 26-year-old boy, and though I’m not a virgin, I am terribly inexperienced. I’ve recently started seeing a girl (yay!), however I’ve been having a little ejaculation problem. The problem isn’t that I cum too quickly, but rather that I stay hard all night and can’t ejaculate! It’s no problem for me to get hard, and stay hard, but it just requires too much mentally and physically for me to reach the point of orgasm. Am I not emotionally connecting? Is my problem psychological? Should I find some way to ‘sensitize’ myself?

Yours,
M

There are lots of reasons why you might be experiencing jizz problems. Medically speaking, the condition of not being able to orgasm is called anorgasmia, and it can be brought on by a variety of factors. For example: a lack of comfort with intimacy or physical contact, past history of sexual abuse or trauma, disease, trust or communication issues with a partner, the use of SSRIs (commonly prescribed for depression), or — ta da! — anxiety. From what you wrote, it sounds like you’re just experiencing some nerves. You’ve got virgin-vibes and are sort of freaking-out about it, but that’s fine, because over time you’ll learn things and gain confidence. And also, it’s important to remember that you can still have sex that’s hot and fun and rewarding, even without an orgasm. Duh, us girls do it all the time! (And we hate you for it.)

On another note, have you ever thought about just faking it? Under normal circumstances I would say faking orgasms is a bad idea — for both boys and girls — because you don’t want to build a sexual relationship around something that’s false. However, if the not-cumming thing is really stressing you out, then maybe pretending a couple times will help take the edge off a little bit. And who knows, maybe just knowing that you can fake it, as a last resort, will ease your mind enough that you’ll be able to cum for real. (Although if you are going to fake it, remember to use a condom, otherwise your gf will be all like, “Uh, where’s the smoothie?”)

And lastly, this might be a shot in the dark, but your inability to cum could also be due to over-enthusiastic masturbation. Dan Savage talks about this a lot — about how over stimulation from watching a lot of hardcore porn, or from squeezing your dick too tightly while jerking-off, can lead to problems reaching orgasm when faced with an actual human vagina. In the words of Savage, you have to vary your routine: left hand, right hand, a little lube, a lot of lube, firm grip, loose grip. You don’t want to ruin yourself for partnered sex by using the “death grip” — a fist clenched tighter than any human throat or pussy can clench — during solo sex.

Comments

comments

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18 Responses to Ask Slutever for Jezebel!

  1. whaaaaaaa says:

    “vagspiration”

  2. jg323 says:

    “Basically, classy adult women do not shave their vaginas.” -Karley

    please make flyers and hand these out all over the world!

  3. LIVIA says:

    I hate the people who leaves comments on jezebel. Absolutely no sense of humor. Stupids, and rude.

  4. Christie says:

    Something really frustrating about the comments:

    Everyone seems to think that all good/appropriate/inoffensive advice on a sex column should be “whatever you feel comfortable with” or “depends on the preferences of you and your partner” or something similar. This is such bullshit, if this were the case hermit monks would be able to write sex columns advising people about whether or not to shave their pubic hair etc.

    The idea of the sex column is that someone is using their own knowledge and experience to give USEFUL advice on these questions. If someone disagrees with you it doesn’t mean that you’re being “over judgemental”. The only way to respond to people without it being possible for someone to construe it as judgemental or something is to write neutral, watery, formulaic crap.

    As long as people aren’t stupid they should take it for granted that what you say isn’t the infallible word of God and that everyone doesn’t have to agree on everything or whatever.

  5. Kinky Feminist says:

    I really like you Karley. But I’ve read too many articles of kinky-oppression on Jezebel and have found my vagina and I feeling more bullied on that site than awesome.
    SLUT-POWER!!!
    DOWN WITH THE JEZZY-NAZI’S!!

  6. lala says:

    awesome post. I am letting my bush grow, a silent stand to classy, slutty women

  7. lola says:

    those comments. haha.

    i like your advice.

  8. kerry says:

    ahh yes reading those comments made me remember why i hate Jezebel.
    but everything before the comments was awesome!

  9. greeniebabs says:

    Ugh. Karley, you rule. I used to really like Jezebel and it’s just depressing to see the hordes of humorless twats running the joint over. Whatevs, Jez turned me on to you, so I guess I can’t complain too much. I think you’re #fabulous and #glamorous. Nothing but love, bb.

  10. shane watson says:

    After reading this i must say sex has no age….loved the comments

  11. Pildrage says:

    Lala above? that is her real name.

  12. chris says:

    Trimmed well kept is the way forward. Us men like something to tickle our noses when we are giving oral

  13. tj says:

    I want to comment because this piece resonates with me. I can very well sympathize with this advice and your views on the bush. Par my experience, though, a shaved vulva is a sort of unfortunate standard. Your column makes me think back over my life, and I am able to recall only a single instance that I have not been greeted to a site of great carnage on a first encounter. This was a foreign exchange student from eastern europe who seemed quite enlightened at the time. It seems the most common forms of hair removal all have their downsides. To my eyes, the nicks and cuts suffered by razors are an unnecessary sacrifice but not as heartbreaking as over shaving which tends to cause scabbing where follicles are already inflamed. In my education however, the worst is the grooming tool that pulls the hair by the root. This tends to cause not only scabbing but ingrown hairs. I submit that this device is most commonly used by gymnasts to maintain their bikini lines although I admit the scope of my study may not stand up to the rigors of science.

    I personally do not have an aesthetic preference to the shape of pubic hair. I will admit though I’m shy of women with exceptionally long armpit hair as I fear it advertises a general vehement activism. I am not one to court conflict. To the sex partners of women affected by a compulsion to over-groom I advise open acceptance. A young woman I once knew who had just graduated high-school waxed regularly because she felt it made her labia (which were somewhat larger than average) seem more normal. This was rather ironic, but it seemed important not to mention that fact instead allowing that I at least did not mind pubic hair if trips to the parlor became inconvenient. Gradually as comfort levels rose, the hair repopulated.

  14. tj says:

    I’m compelled to add a note in the interest of public health. In cases where cuts or activity cause some infection, excess grooming can spread an infection around making it rather difficult to tell why does a vulva have such a long face. :(

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