Read the latest in my sex-and-dating advice column, originally for Jezebel!
I’m a middle-aged man who recently went down the path of online dating — a path that’s sometimes new, sometimes efficient, often maddening. Many people deceive you with old pictures and inapt descriptions, but once in awhile things work out. Sort of. Unfortunately, there are no boxes in most dating site profiles for “sexual preferences,” which of course means there is no way to know if a woman swallows or not. Not to sound shallow, but this is the way I like it. Recently I have had a run of bad luck, as several nice ladies in a row seemed to have potential… until the magic moment. Do you have any advice on possibly salvaging this situation? This is not an easy thing to tell your date!
Frustrated in Seattle
I don’t really get what online dating has to do with this problem. You do understand that women in the “real world” don’t walk around with signs on their foreheads that say, “I spit” or “I swallow,” right? This lack of oral knowledge is not restricted to the world of online dating. All men, both virtual daters and otherwise, have to deal with the tremendous burden of not knowing if a bitch is going to swallow his semen until his moment of climax. Poor you!
But anyway, why are all of these women consistently spitting? I mean, it’s messy. Girls, it’s already in your mouth. It’s high in protein. You might as well just swallow it and save yourself the mess.
As for you, Mr. Seattle, you should stop caring about having your semen swallowed so much. It’s undignified. And besides, there are other, more important things to worry about when it comes to your lady friends, like having an emotional connection or whatever. But if swallowing really is so important to you that you can’t live without it, then why don’t you just write, “I only fuck girls who swallow” in the “About Me” section of your online dating profile? I bet you’ll get a lot less women messaging you, as this will make you sound like a scary creep person, but at least you’ll save yourself a lot of wasted dates.
I’ve heard so much conflicting information on g-spots (all women have them! some women have them! they’re a myth!) that I don’t know what to think. I’ve done some experimenting on my own, and I know where the spot (supposedly) is, and I’ve had guys do that thing where they crook their fingers inside me to try and stimulate it, but the only resulting feeling is the intense need to pee, and it never becomes pleasurable. Am I doing something wrong? HELP, I’m so annoyed!
Yeah, same for me. I searched and searched, and had many people try to find it for me and fail. I even enlisted a girl friend of mine who is a g-spot advocate to try her finger-magic on me once in the bathroom of a TGIFridays, but that didn’t work either. It’s like solely by virtue of being women we are automatically cursed to spend our entire lives searching for a g-spot that will never appear. It’s like Sisyphus pushing the rock up that stupid hill, or that weird snake who eats its own tail. Thus is the essence being a woman: a snake eating its own tail on repeat for eternity.
But moving on: ta-da! I can now tell you for almost-100%-sure that the g-spot is in fact bogus, according to this scientific study from 2001 titled The G-spot: A Modern Gynecologic Myth. The study finds that despite common public belief in the g-spot (founded after the concept first appeared in a popular book on human sexuality in 1982), there isn’t enough actual evidence to prove its existence. Dang, why are we all so gullible?! First Santa, then God, now this!
So I answered a Craigslist ad from a dude who wants to pay me $100 to watch him undress, shower and masturbate. He doesn’t want to send me a picture of him (he says he doesn’t send pics online), and he wants me to go to his place, and said it would last “less than 2 hours.” I don’t know what to do. It’s easy money, but I’m kind of worried about going to his place, and I find the “2 hours” thing weird. Isn’t that kind of long?
No! What if he’s a bath salt zombie luring you to his apartment so he can eat your face off? Seriously, don’t go to his house. First of all, you should be paid way more than $50 per hour for sex work, even if you’re not actually having sex or getting naked. Also, going to his house, where he has total control, is way too risky. Generally with this type of work it’s best to meet people in a public place first, in order to “feel them out,” before you even consider meeting them privately.
I work as a dominatrix on occasion (#part-time sadist), and when meeting a new client it’s customary to ask him for references of other dominatrices he’s seen, in order to do a little background check, and see if other Dommes know and recommended him as a client. If the client can’t give a reference, then ideally it’s best to do the “session” (whether you’re watching him masturbate, or pissing into his mouth, or whatever romantic shit you’re getting up to), in a dungeon. That may sounds scary, but most dungeons are actually just like hotels, except instead of beds and instant coffee the rooms are filled with, like, red velour thrones, morgue tables and horsetail butt plugs and stuff.
So, if you’re seriously interested in getting into the “humoring sex creeps for money” business, I highly recommend looking into whether there’s a BDSM dungeon near you that allows you to rent rooms hourly. (Most cities have them.) Other secondary options include hotels (the client pays), or somewhere with people you know around so that you’re not alone.
In conclusion, this specific situation is too potentially dangerous, especially for such a small amount of money. You have to set the bar high (your body is a temple, etc.), otherwise you’ll end up like that woman in Florida, begging people to have sex with you in exchange for hamburgers. #unglamorous