Ask Slutever for Jezebel

Read my latest sex advice column, originally written for Jezebel!

Hey. How do you manage your blackouts? Like, blackout drunk? Also, how would you deal with a somewhat famous dude who’s coked up and wanting pics of your naked body? Thanks, KC

Wow, what a classy question. Look KC, being a blacked-out bar ho is not a sign of a strong feminist who’s in control of her destiny. Also, what if you’re blacked-out and a party photographer shows up and wants to take photos of you? How are you going to pose to your full potential if you’re a sloppy mess? ‘Drunk girl at the party’ is certainly not the look for S/S 2013. Also, what do you mean by “manage”? Girl, blacking-out is the opposite of management.

As for the nudes, it’s always fine to send naked photos of yourself to people as long as your head isn’t in them, duh.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for five months now and he has yet to kiss my pussy. Like his mouth hasn’t gone anywhere near it. I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, after which he asked me to wax it, so I did. Still nothing. He then said he hasn’t done it in a while, doesn’t think he’s good at it, and bottom line just doesn’t enjoy it. I, however, love giving him head. Even if I didn’t enjoy it so much I’d probably still do it, because I love him. He says he loves me too. So why isn’t he doing it? I miss getting eaten! Thanks, Stacey

Why don’t you try hiding your boyfriend’s dinner in your vagina and then telling him to go find it? Or if you don’t cook, just hide something really important of his in there, like his X-box or something.

The problem you’re having seems to be a problem for lots of girls, because guys are generally lazy as fuck in bed. (FYI guys, if you refuse to go down on your gf, she will no doubt tell all of her friends, which means there will be groups of girls all around town talking about how shit you are in bed.) In this case, your boyfriend is just being a selfish baby. Saying “I haven’t done it in a while,” or “I’m not good at it” are not excuses. People have all sorts of anxieties about sex — that’s normal! But part of the fun of sex is trying out new things, getting outside of your comfort zone, and working out what works and what doesn’t for you and your partner. Because if you only do the things you know you’re good at over and over again, then after a while sex can get pretty boring. Also, your boyfriend is being an ultra douchebag because you said you’re willing to compromise: If he’s being finicky about hair, you’ll wax it; if he’s being a wuss about the taste, he can do it after you take a shower, and so on. Perhaps you should remind your bf (in the nicest way possible) that his dick doesn’t taste like a fucking ice cream cone.

If you communicate all of this to him and he still refuses to go down on you, then maybe you should try not giving him head for a while. Give him a taste of his own medicine. This may kind of suck for you, because you said you like doing it, but the absence of BJs might make him relate to your desires a bit more. And if all else fails just talk about how great your exes were at eating your pussy, and how because he’s not satisfying you you’ve become obsessed with the ideas of fucking other guys. Scare him. Scare him real good.

Can you wax your own butt? (I mean, can one wax one’s own butt.) xo Jane

Well, how good are you at yoga? Also, how busy are you? I understand your desire to want to wax your butt yourself. I get waxed by a scary Polish woman who forces me to get on all fours during the procedure, and to lift my leg up like a peeing dog when she does the butthole part. Awkward! For this reason I always bring a copy of US Weekly with me to the waxologist, to serve as a mental distraction (and also to remind myself that celebrities are Just Like Us and also definitely get their buttholes waxed in the doggy-style position).

So yes, professional waxing is expensive and mildly unpleasant, but doing it yourself takes forever, and it’s super annoying. What if you miss a spot? Then you’ll have a weird patch of hair on your butt. Also — worst-case scenario — you won’t be able to keep your cheeks spread during the process, causing the wax on each cheek to make contact with each other, creating a wax bridge inside your buttcrack. And what’s your OKCupid date supposed to do with that?

My advice is, if you can afford a pro-wax you should just suck it up and do it. And if you’re short on cash then you can sit with the other poor people outside the wax factory and hold up a sign that says, “Help me! I’m saving up to get my butt waxed!” and maybe somebody will take pity on you.

I’m an Asian guy with a German girlfriend. We’ve been dating for a year and I lost my virginity to her. Here’s my problem: the average Asian man has a smaller penis than other races do. I love to have sexy time, but this causes me a lot of anxiety. I focus on making my girlfriend cum, but it’s hard because I don’t last long. I’m planning to have penis enlargement surgery soon. Any advice on how to last longer, and to please my girl with my below-average dick?

Sincerely, Jim

Damn, penis enlargement sounds like a pretty extreme solution. That’s very Austin Powers of you. Are you sure your girlfriend even has a problem with the sex you’re having, or are just you fabricating an issue that doesn’t exist because of your own paranoia? Also, what size is your girlfriend’s vagina? Who knows, maybe she has a small one and the two fit together perfectly.

There are ways to last longer in bed: wear a condom, rub some desensitizing cream on your dick, jerk-off more, etc. In general I would say that surgery should be reserved only for very extreme cases. Like if your dick is so small that even with an erection you still can’t see your dick through your bush, then fine, it’s something to consider, I guess. But otherwise you should just relax a bit and give your girlfriend lots of head—girls like that!

Being “good in bed” is not about being born with a huge dick, or having one of those fingers that can detach itself from your body while you’re at work, take the train back to my apartment and wake me up with an orgasm. Being good in bed is about being fun, willing to experiment, and caring about what makes the other person feel good. Also, consider this: lesbians have sex with without any penis at all, and they seem to be doing alright.

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2 Responses to Ask Slutever for Jezebel

  1. Lawson says:

    “creating a wax bridge inside your buttcrack”
    TRUTH!
    You’re great.

    Danke

  2. mightzi says:

    i meant like the next day. not during the blackout, duh! that tiny part of the night that you don’t remember!

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