“Ask Slutever” for Jezebel!!! <3

Self portrait by Sandy Kim

Soooo… today marks the beginning of my advice column for every gurl’s favorite website, Jezebel (aka Gawker’s girly site and the new feminist bible). I’m so excited! Check out the first installment of “Sexytime Dilemmas” HERE. The post has only been up on their site for like an hour, but there are already a gazillion people leaving me hate comments and calling me anti-feminist and retarded and under-qualified and a troll. So maybe you should get up all in the comment box and defend me. Cool? OK. (Who am I kidding? I masturbate to hate comments.)

Also, if you’re in need of some of my under-qualified troll advice, please send your sex, relationship or just general life questions to slutever@jezebel.com.

Update, 24th Oct. – You can now read the entire post below!

Dear Slutever,
So, I’ve been sleeping with a guy for a while now and he recently told me that he wants to give me a facial. He doesn’t have any diseases so I feel like I’m pretty safe there, but have you ever done one, and what are your views on it? I know a lot of people find it degrading (which I kinda like the idea of, to be honest) but I can’t decide if that means I shouldn’t do it. Cassie

This question reminds me of a really awkward conversation I had with my mom recently. I was home for Labor Day weekend and, after downing a couple cosmos, she asked me if I’d ever heard of pussy-whipping. “Like when a girl has control over her boyfriend?” I asked. She responded, “No, like when someone hits your vagina with a whip.” This shocked me, coming from the mouth of my radical Christian mother, but then I remembered she was reading Fifty Shades of Grey and suddenly everything made sense. “What are your thoughts on it?” she asked.

My mother seemed extremely confused when I told her I had “no thoughts” on the matter. In my mind, asking my view on pussy-whipping, or facials, is equivalent to asking, “What are your views on can openers?” These are all just things that exist in the world, and we don’t need to take a stance on them. There are certain matters that deserve careful consideration (i.e. casting an actress to play yourself in the movie version of your life); some casual jizz on your face isn’t one of them.

People — women in particular — really need to get over the “is this degrading?” thing. If you have to stop and think about whether something is degrading or not, then it probably isn’t. I understand there are complex emotions involved in sex, so everything isn’t always black and white, but I also think that sometimes girls’ brains become so clouded by bullshit “feminist” ideals — “thou shall not be treated like an object,” “thou shall always be offended by men’s pervy remarks” (as if we are not equally adept at dismissing them, and dishing them out) — that we spoil our own fun. Don’t take yourself so seriously. In the midst of doing something you want and enjoy, why stop and think, “Wait, should I be getting off on this less and feeling exploited more?” It’s pointless.

If you’re having consensual sex with someone you like, and you’re both turned on by the idea of him cumming on your face, then you should do it, duh! It’s bad to analyze these things so much that they lose their spontaneity and hotness (and the rules of “real life” don’t apply in sex anyway, so whatever). Basically, we should all stop being so hyper-aware of the sociopolitical context of our sex lives, and start focusing on other, more important things, like becoming famous.

Help me out here: how and when do I stick my finger up a guy’s ass? A lot of men think that’s off-limits, so I’ve never ventured back there, but I want to massage someone’s prostate goddamnit! How can I make this work? Susie, CA

If you want this to work you’re going to have to be very delicate, and take things slowly. No one wants a dry finger shoved up their butt at random. In my experience, guys are generally more open to new concepts, and trying out new things, when you have their dick in your mouth. (This is because fellatio slows their brain down to a point of temporary retardation, which means their guard is down.) This is why mid-BJ is a great time to bring up things like, “Are we official?” or “Can I please borrow your car and $700?”

So, while you’re sucking, start playing with his balls and then slowly move moving your fingers back in the desired direction. Be conscious of how he’s responding to your touch. If he flinches as soon as you start poking around in that area, that’s not a good sign, but don’t give up hope just yet. Wait a minute or so, then do something fancy with your tongue to distract him and try again, rubbing lightly around the outside of the hole, as not to scare it. It might take a while to “feel out” (lol) if he’s going to be down for butt stuff, but even if your first attempt is a total failure, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s never going to happen. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time, ya know? (To be honest, even if you’re someone who’s generally into anal, sometimes you just don’t want someone back there, like if you have to go to the bathroom or if you’re hemorrhoid is acting up or whatever.) Basically, never give up and remember that with a little perseverance you can do anything you put your mind to, Susie! Just think: it took NASA a long time to figure out Mars, but they never gave up and then finally last month they achieved their goal of DJing a Will.I.Am song from space. #inspirational

Also, this is sort of a no-brainer, but make sure your nails are trimmed and that your fingers have some spit or lube on them when you finally go for it, because intra-anal lacerations are not not glamorous.

Hi, I’m 27 and only recently left the church. I’m still a virgin and for most of my life I didn’t believe in sexual gratification, but now I’m looking to have my first self-orgasm. I was wondering, is this a subject you could help me on, or should I just ask someone else? I’m a bit embarrassed and don’t really have anyone to ask. Michael

Well Michael, as you sent me this question via email, I assume you have internet capabilities. The great thing about the internet is that it’s full of useful information, most of which is easily searchable through a popular website called Google. I’m almost certain that if you put “help with sexual gratification” into Google that there will be at least, like, six or seven billion videos of guys “self-orgasming” for you to watch and learn from. But that’s just a rough estimate.

As I understand it, an efficient way to induce self-orgasm in men is to simply hold the penis with a loose fist and then slide the hand up and down the shaft until a milky gunk comes out. This will induce a full-body sensation not unlike that of Jesus shining his love-rays down onto you from the hereafter. Except times ten.

You’re welcome!

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32 Responses to “Ask Slutever” for Jezebel!!! <3

  1. Robin Palmer Hosking says:

    Well done. I’m a boy but I love Jezabel.

  2. trangpak says:

    get on pot psych an u have *made it* i would quit everyone for u and tracie

  3. lala says:

    Great post Karley. I posted and defended you at Jezebel. What a bunch of uptight biatches

  4. mjk says:

    Uhhh yeah, so this is one of the greatest blogs I’ve ever had the pleasure of stumbling upon.

  5. Luna says:

    I loved your column! Sexual empowerment IS feminist! Don’t let them get you down… Just keep preachin’ and they’ll come around some day… Just like dudes and anal play ;)

  6. Holly says:

    It was interesting how you advocated for a bit less overthinking of things, and then everyone reacted with a thousand and one comments overthinking your post. Slow clap.

  7. lolita says:

    “uptight biatches” haha.
    Literally cry-laughing at this. “(This is because fellatio slows their brain down to a point of temporary retardation, which means their guard is down.)” Dead.

  8. Are you kidding? I consider you a feminist icon. Keep doing what you’re doing, girlfriend. Your beautiful and unapologetic writing has empowered (and continues to empower) so many of us!

  9. Lucia says:

    Actually your column was horrendously bad and seemed to be anti-consent and in a subtle sense pro-rape. You angered rape-survivors as reflected in several of the comments. I’m sorry but I’ll be lobbying for you to leave Jezebel. You should write for AskMen.com or something more on your mental level.

  10. Delilah says:

    Mistake man! Vice suits you perfectly, but your brand of humour will not go down well over at Jezebel. I know you’re hanging with Jenna ’cause she’s pals with Dev and that’s awesome and I presume she told you how totally cool it is to work at Jezebel – but it ain’t gonna work. Those commenters are gonna totally hate your nonchalant views on the socio-political landscape of sex. To be honest, I’m surprised they even hired you. Yours is the kind of fun irreverent site they often criticize. I love jezebel and am sorta addicted to it, but they can be terribly high and mighty (unless you get Tracie or Dodai who are the only one’s there I’d want to hang with) and the commenters even more so. Beware. This will end sadly…good luck getting out alive dude!

  11. Audrey says:

    I think the comment that got them going was clearly “If you have to stop and think about whether something is degrading or not, then it probably isn’t”. Honestly, that’s just shit advice. I mean yeah, people should quit bringing politics into the bedroom and overanalyzing their orgasms/fuck habits, but sometimes you do need to stop and consider whether something feels degrading-bad or degrading-fun. Racial degradation during sex could be an example for many, facials might present that problem for others. It’s always important to be in touch with your own comfort levels in that situation. That’s not taking yourself too seriously but kind of just giving yourself time to consider what gets you off vs. what doesn’t feel right. You might love being submissive but like totally hate getting spat-on, so it’d be a great idea to really think about it before you let some dude piss on you, yeah?

    • Candy says:

      “You might love being submissive but like totally hate getting spat-on”

      Whoawhoawhoa, I would hope and pray you would hate getting spat-on. Being treated like trash shouldn’t be anyone’s idea of a fun time, what the hell. I’ve read comments about “degradation” porn (where women are being called fuck pigs, gagged until they vomit, spat on, and overall treated in a way so dehumanizing you know it was influenced by society and culture (and uh, porn desensitization) of men saying “I would never treat a real woman like this but I like to watch it,” of men admitting they watch it because they like to see women “broken down,” other men saying men who don’t feel dominant or secure in real life like to watch weaker, “inferior” beings treated like shit to feel better about themselves- there are times when politics SHOULD NOT be out of the bedroom. This is disgusting.

      And people who try to justify that behavior need to get a grasp on psychology and behaviorism. Remember schoolyard bullies who would humiliate weaker kids to feel strong themselves? Yeah, it’s equally as pathetic and sad as adults.

  12. a man says:

    the slutever show on vice is hilarious, shouldn’t lower yourself to writing for jezebel

  13. goose says:

    jezebel bitches be cray.
    srsly karley it’s a lame website, write somewhere cooler! touching someone’s ass when you’re giving them a gobjob isn’t rape.. if they’re conscious.

  14. Hannah says:

    Your article is pretty bad for a number of reasons, the worst probably being the sarcastic response to the final question. Someone actually respects your opinion enough (something you should be grateful for, especially considering your evident fame obsession) to ask you about their sexual anxieties and you take the opportunity to belittle them and give them a non-answer amounting to “google it”. Don’t be a bitch.

    • karleyslutever says:

      He was not asking for my opinion. He was asking me for an explanation of how to masturbate. I will gladly give out my opinion, but I’m not a fucking information booth. He should be apologizing to me for wasting my time with such an inane question.

  15. um... says:

    seriously dude, get out while you can! jezebel commenters are some of the dumbest smart people i’ve ever encountered. i can barely stand to read their comments (and actually, i pretty much don’t read them, because every time i try i get PISSED) and the acrimonious retorts they have to [usually] just one word in an article (while missing the point of the article) are absolutely ludicrous. i say “dumbest smart people” because they are all obviously well-educated (sarah lawrence, anyone?) and like to show off their anger with 10-cent words and then attack everybody with popular buzz words. a lot of these women are die-hard feminists without any actual concept of what feminism is, and it is absolutely retarded. anyway, i know you make a living writing on the internet and must be immune to these kinds of people and commenting by now (i’ve never had any kind of online persona or had to deal with judgmental strangers critiquing anything i do so this stuff is absolutely foreign to me and seems like it would be overwhelming!!!) but jezebel’s online community is so incredibly toxic. just don’t lose your sense of humor!

  16. Martin says:

    I’m sorry but people truly need to lighten up. I read the entire article and saw nothing that suggested that rape was ok or anything remotely anti-feminist. People who are offended easily will pick up on anything small and blow it out of proportion.

  17. I used to love Jez, and was a commenter and loved the community. But then one day stuff changed and everyone who made it cool and fun left, and nowadays commenters are so… ugh. The community lost the funny, raunchy, silly people that made it great to begin with.
    Obviously none of these people remember the old Pot Psych episodes. Half of the time Tracie and Rich didn’t even answer the fucking questions, they made jokes and made fun of the questions. You actually answered most of the questions thoughtfully and hilariously.
    These peeps need to take their heads out of their asses.

    • tigronne says:

      Yeah, I couldn’t agree more and am trying to wean myself off the site (if you have any suggestions for a replacement please tell m here)
      It’s gotten to the point where we have a running gag between my boyfriend and me to see who can shout Rape culture! or Slut shaming! first whenever we disagree on something.

  18. steffi says:

    it’s gawker media, they hired you in hopes of you stirring up shit, pageviews etc. you’re doing a great job. congrats!

  19. csquared says:

    I thought it was funny and your advice actually pretty practical. However, I’m also pretty slutty. Brought me to your blog, which I’m already enjoying two or three entries in.

  20. Kayla says:

    People didn’t leave you critical comments on Jezebel because they think you’re a troll or you’re “retarded” (I’m also pretty positive no one on Jezebel would call you retarded, ever), its because you give shitty advice. Having a lot of sex doesn’t make you a good writer or a good advice columnist. Like mocking the guy who has never masturbated before and didn’t know how? Theres actually a lot of advice to be given there – whether or not every guy in the world needs to look at porn to masturbate, whether or not he should lube, information about how having too tight of a grip can make sex more unsatisfying because no woman’s vagina is as tight as kung-fu grip. Instead you just made fun of him and told him to google it. He asked you for help, asshole. Or in the set of questions just posted today, with the woman whose husband wants to have a threesome. You wrote five sentences (one was about you) about the actual dilemma, which was whether or not she should do it, and then more than half the response was about HOW she should do it. She wasn’t asking how, she was asking about how to deal with pressure from her husband. You pretty much completely ignored her problem.

    Again, having a lot of sex doesn’t automatically qualify you to be great at giving advice, and it sure as shit doesn’t make you a good writer.

    • eric says:

      I thought her advice was great and she delivered it with just the right amount of snark. You obviously have some bigger issues than her writing.

  21. eric says:

    I just came from your column to give you a big virtual hug. The denizens of Jezebel have zero sense of humor and are an extremely tiresome bunch. Go in the comments section and write a rational and/or humorous thought that does not align with the groupthink, and you can guess the replies. They mirror many of the comments you, yourself, are seeing. I applaud you and I applaud Jezebel for attempting to break their stranglehold. I personally love your writing and I think your advice is spot on. Thanks for being you.

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