Photo by Stephen Shore
Help! I’m a liar! I’ve had a casual on/off sex relationship with this guy for over a year and it’s always been really laid back and easy: when we find ourselves in the same place we have sex 24/7 till one of us leaves town. Recently, though, things have been getting more emotional and I’ve been having feelings beyond just sexual attraction. I want to try dating him, but there is one big thing holding me back: when we first hooked up I faked orgasms and still do.
I made a pledge not to fake it with anyone anymore, but I had already done it with him before that pledge, and it’s hard to stop. I’ve gone to faking it only when he fingers/goes down on me (a move in the right direction?) but I still exaggerate some things. Also, its fun to fake orgasms and they actually make sex feel better. One thing I’m dealing with is that coaching a guy to get you to come, or to really take the time for it, is an investment. Before I didn’t think what we had was worth investing that kind of energy and closeness in, but now I want to! Except now he thinks I can come with just penetration, or not very long clit stimulation… Can I slowly shift to needing more and more attention to come, or should I just shatter his confidence and tell him he’s never made me come? How do I get myself out of this? Or is this doomed to be a learning experience, and I have to start over with someone new? I like him a lot…
OK so you have to stop faking it right now, right this very moment. Think of it this way: you are an addict. You’re addicted to faking orgasms, but it’s just a quick fix, so you have to cut yourself off, cold turkey. There will be a withdrawal period that won’t be easy, that will be a bit stressful, but your life will ultimately be better for it.
I’m not judging you, by the way–I totally get it. I was once like you, addicted to faking. A lot of women suffer from this same tragic condition. But it’s time to move on. The problem with faking, as you said yourself, is that once you fake it with a guy, it’s hard to stop, because you’re rewarding him for the wrong behavior. Also, this: “it’s fun to fake orgasms and they actually make sex feel better,” is straight-up not true. Bitch, please. Faked orgasms do not make sex better. Real orgasms make sex better. What you’re actually saying, when you say that, is that sex is better for the guy when he feels like he’s pleased you. Well, guess what, sex will be just as good for him if your orgasm is genuine. In fact, sex will be better for him, because leaving you genuinely pleased rather than fake pleased can only have a positive effect on your relationship–sexual and otherwise.
Women don’t fake orgasms for ourselves–we fake it to make our partner feel competent, virile. Maybe it’s our nurturing instinct–we don’t want to crush the male ego. But fuck that. We’re too old for this shit. It’s OK to be selfish in bed some of the time. Think about it this way: even if he could, a guy would never fake it for you; he would sooner have you suck his dick for eternity.
I recently wrote an article for Vogue about how I think sex gets better with age. Part of my reasoning behind that is, when women are young, we’re taught to put on a show during sex. We’re supposed to put on a lace thong, give a theatrical, acrobatic performance, and do all of this exaggerated bullshit in order to make the experience memorable for the man. In a way, we’re defining whether sex is good or not by how highly our partners rate our performance. And faking it is often part of that performance.
But let’s get to logistics. I my opinion, I don’t think you should tell him you’ve been faking it. It will only make him sexually insecure, and it might making him angry, because ultimately you’ve been deceiving him. It’s your fault you were faking, not his, ya know? So, the next time you have sex with this guy, tell yourself beforehand that you will cum--mind over matter, right? Draw out foreplay and touch yourself a lot. Then, if your orgasm hasn’t happened around the time you would usually fake it, just say something like, “I don’t know why, but it’s taking me longer to cum today. Maybe you could do more of [insert whatever feels good for you].” That’s not suspicious–we all have occasional days where it’s harder to cum because we’re distracted, or masturbated too much or whatever. Treat the next few times you fuck as one-off experiences where you need more of a certain action to get off, until that action becomes the norm. Or you could even tell him you want to incorporate your vibrator? Whatever you need. Just start asking for it. Break the pattern, and create a new one.