I originally wrote this article for a new online feminist mag called Not Ur Babe, launched by a group of badass young women. I suggest you check it out! Also, they’re currently taking submissions from artists and writers, if anyone’s interested. – Karley Sciortino
We’ve all been there: it’s 2am, you’re horny as fuck and you’re like… should I? Should I just do it? Fuck it, I’ll text him. Sometimes it works out. Other times… not so much. Which leaves us to beg the question: Is the 2am booty call the mark of someone sexy and spontaneous, eager for sexual adventure? Or is it straight up tragic?
OK so, TBH, I have a little bit of a drinking problem. I’m always like, “I’m not gonna drink that much tonight,” and then somehow I’m three martinis deep, mass texting my ex-fuck buddies at midnight like “Suzpp?” It’s not really that cute, I’ve learned. And there’s multiple reasons why. But before I start moralizing about late night booty calls, I should preface this by saying that I’m usually a “down for whatever” type of girl. I say it all the time: we all need to be less afraid of rejection when it comes to sex and dating, because unless you put yourself out there, you’re never getting fucked. Consider this: if you ask someone out and they say no, you’re still in the same position as you were before: alone. So really, you can only gain from trying, and have nothing to lose (except a teeny tiny bit of your dignity, but that recovers fast). Onto the next! However, I do think that in order to optimize our sex/dating lives, we have to think about conduct—the way you ask some to come over, or the way you flirt with someone might be the dealbreaker of whether or not you get to fuck them. And we want to optimize our fuckability, right?
So, first off, when you invite someone over at 2am, it translates to the other person that you’re wasted. Even if you’re not wasted, and spell everything in the text correctly, a 2am sext means “Hey I’m horny and blacked-out.” And sure, that’s not the worst thing to communicate to someone, but it’s also not the most classy move. Also, anyone who’s been on the receiving end of a 2am text knows it’s generally not the biggest turn on. Either 1) you don’t see it because you’re asleep, end up reading it over your morning coffee, and then have a small lol with yourself like, “Ah, I see Karley was crunk last night.” Or, 2) the text actually hurts your feelings, because you’re like, “God, I actually liked Karley, and thought maybe she was going to invite me to have a sunset cocktail on the roof of the Met, but I guess I’m just her 2am booty call.” Ya know? Depending on the situation, your 2am ho might actually find your text disrespectful. (For example, did you read the incredibly moving speech Amy Schumer gave at Gloria Steinem’s 80th birthday party, in which she talks about a horrible college sex experience invoking a blacked-out booty call from her crush? If not, you should! I legit cried during it.)
But enough about caring about other people’s feelings. Ultimately, we only really care about ourselves, right? So, the main reason I’ve learned that the 2am sext isn’t usually a great idea is because the sex I end up having after 2am is never that good. I’m sorry, but my vagina basically turns off after like 3 strong drinks. And while I know I get increasingly desperate for sex the more I drink, I also know that I generally fail to remember the sex I have when I’m in my “ravenous, late night predator” mode. And that sucks, because sex is fun and cool and I want to have hot sex memories for my wank bank. I’m not trying to be annoying and moralistic and say “don’t have sex drunk!” Because obvs we are all going to have sex drunk many times. But why have sloppy sex with someone at 2am when you could have better sex with them tomorrow at like 5pm or 9pm or even like at lunchtime maybe? Chic.
The hottest sex/date requests, in my opinion, are when someone asks you out with confidence. Wishy-washy, “so like we should hang soon or something” texts are not hot. And “Suzpp?” at 2am probably isn’t hot either (unless the other person also happens to be horny and desperate, at which point you’ve lucked out on a perfect storm). The best texts are sober and assertive, sent during the day, that say something along the lines of: “Hey, I’d love to see you. What about tomorrow we go have sunset drinks on the roof of the Met and then get dinner Uptown?” Yay to plans! Plans are hot! Spontaneity is also hot, but it’s best when it happens within the structure of a plan. lol. Text wisely.
Main image: Harmony Korine and Chloe Sevigny on the set of Gummo