Sex + Love Advice

Ask Slutever: Why Am I Attracted to Ugly Dudes?

November 6, 2014
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Dear Slutever,

Is it weird to fantasize about fucking ugly people? I’ve noticed that often, when I see a guy who I don’t find physically attractive, I immediately have thoughts about us fucking doggy-style. I’m semi concerned that subconsciously it’s because I want to be the more attractive person in a sexual scenario, making it a self-esteem issue. . . but I don’t know, maybe I’m just legitimately into ugly dudes? Help, Sarah

Honestly, I’m at the point where I don’t think it’s “weird” to fantasize about anything. The human mind is incredibly perverted, and I think most of us wouldn’t admit–sometimes not even to ourselves–where our deepest, darkest fantasies could lead us if we let them. Having said that, I don’t think “fantasizing about fucking ugly people” is even particularly that dark. And not to be overly PC, but I wouldn’t use the world ugly, because it just feels kind of cruel, ya know? But I do understand what you mean about desire to fuck someone who you–or who general society–wouldn’t deem a standard beauty.

It’s no secret that, since the dawn of sex, people have been attracted to things that are “dirty,” and have felt the impulse to have have types of sex that polite society says we shouldn’t be having–e.g. anal sex, piss sex, fucking your friend’s spouse, or your teacher, or your student, sleeping with prostitutes, eating your girlfriend out on her period, being treated like a dog and kept in a cage… whatever, there’s a million examples. And I think your impulse probably falls into a similar category. 

My personal fantasies evolve and change over time, but there was a period that lasted for about two years where every time I masturbated I would think about being gangbanged by a group of really gross, hairy, fat, brutish guys, which is literally the exact opposite of the the type of person I’m actually attracted to in a relationship way. At the risk of sounding egotistical, I think I liked the idea/the perversity of being used and abused by guys who “didn’t deserve me.” My friend, the sex blogger Tea Hacic, used to have similar fantasies–we’d talk about it all the time. We even nicknamed it (quite narcissistically) the “Beauty and the Beast complex.” And I guess maybe you could link that to a self esteem issue, but I don’t think it has to be. Like, I enjoy getting smacked during sex sometimes, and that doesn’t mean that I devalue myself or think that I deserve abuse in my regular life–I just like it, OK? Sometimes we’re just turned-on by stuff, and we don’t have to over-think it, but that can ruin the fun and impulsiveness of it.

It does seem like what you’re talking about is specific to sex, and not “romance,” because you mentioned that your immediate impulse is to get fucked doggy-style by these guys, rather than to kiss and hug them. And actually, there is such a thing as “teratophilia,” which is defined as “the sexual paraphilia characterised by sexual attraction to deformed or monstrous people / Attraction to monsters.” Maybe that’s you! Yay, you have a paraphilia–now you’re officially special.

But basically, no, I don’t think it’s weird or harmful to have these fantasies, and I of course don’t think it would be bad to act on them either, so long as your less-attractive partner doesn’t feel objectified, or like a novelty (unless that’s what he/she is into, I guess… ugh, sex is confusing).

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9 Comments

  • Reply Eastfist November 7, 2014 at 1:53 am

    I don’t think men fantasize about fucking ugly women to boost their own egos. If I fuck a woman, it’s because I find her attractive (even if someone else doesn’t).

    • Reply ER November 9, 2014 at 11:41 pm

      Eh, it’s not that simple, even with us men.

  • Reply Soso November 8, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    Very interesting. I wonder if it could not also be about fantasizing about being hypersexual, like getting overwelmed with desire by something that is purely sexual, and in no way attractive. I’m not as good as you to put words on what my thoughts but I think there’s something here.

  • Reply Antoine November 8, 2014 at 6:00 pm

    Well, I don’t know about ugly people (haven’t had that particular affliction myself) but I do get a feeling that after dating so many bat-shit crazy women, perhaps I have to raise my standards a little.

    Seriously – wouldn’t you call this crazy too: http://yinology.org/confident/ ?

    • Reply Beth November 12, 2014 at 10:53 pm

      I hate it when ppl attempt to comment in a subtle way to redirect to their own lame blog. :/

  • Reply Joan November 10, 2014 at 11:57 pm

    I fuck really weird old men all the time. I don’t like the word ‘ugly,’ and I don’t think it’s anything to do with my self-esteem. It just gets me hot!

  • Reply Nidzeng Teardrop November 14, 2014 at 1:56 am

    Dude here. I get the “unconventionally attractive” thing (in place of “ugly”, but that could be applicable). I’m not a monster nor a New York playboy so the classic beauties of celebrity or even porn that could very well have been any high schools hot elite don’t do it for me. It’s just not realistic in my head. Not to say I don’t like pretty or cute girls. I have thought often whether physical attraction is tied to my own ego. Not in Sarah’s sense, but the opposite. That the 9/10 girl is simply out of my league, in my head, so why even have them on your radar. In such a case, the ego could guide the attraction to other types. Then again, my previous girlfriends celebrity crush was Benicio Del Toro (indeed weird), and she was quite universely considered pretty.

    • Reply karleyslutever November 14, 2014 at 9:30 pm

      That’s interesting… I relate to that. I think most of us, subconsciously or not, feel attracted to people who we realistically could “get”–that must be biological, right? Or else we would all just sabotage ourselves and only want people we could never get, and thus never procreate. (I think??)

    • Reply nj November 15, 2014 at 9:24 pm

      Benicio Del Toro is amazingly hot though. And I do think in a conventional, standardised way.

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