Being the president seems like it would be really difficult and scary but it’s actually NBD. Anyone can do it. Well, anyone who is over 35 and was born in the United States, but those are literally the only rules. Crazy, right?
I’ve never voted because I always forget to sign up, but I do care about the welfare of the American people, and I’ve masturbated to Barack Obama at least four times, so I think that’s enough to qualify me as having an interest in politics. In keeping up with the race toward this year’s presidential election, I stumbled upon the lesser known candidate, Becky Rusher. Rusher is a 37-year-old single woman from Pennsylvania who currently works in customer service. She’s never worked in politics before and doesn’t associate with any political party, but she has a lot of really beautiful, libertarian ideas about freedom, peace, and equality that I really agree with. For example, Rusher is pro-choice, her view on gay marriage is “who cares?” and in reaction to the war in the Middle East she said, “Iran and Iraq need to grow up.” True say Becky, true say.
So Becky, what made you decide to run for president of the United States?
Becky Rusher: I’m fed up with the government telling us what we are allowed to do with our lives, what we should look like, and how to spend our money. This is supposed to be a free country. My biggest idea is to let everybody know that the government isn’t scary. They use $5 words and wear $3,000 suits to make it seem like other people can’t do their job. But it doesn’t take $5 words to run a country; it takes organization, leadership, and heart.
What does the government tell us we should look like?
They’re out there saying you’re not eating right, and that if you’re 20 pounds overweight you’re totally obese and a drain on society. Where is it going to stop? Now it’s our weight—is hair color going to be next? Are eyelashes going to be next? Suddenly, if you don’t have enough eyelashes you’re a bad person? They have to stop invading our personal lives.
You’ve never worked in politics before. On your list of previous jobs, however, you have “call center,” “ babysitter,” and “convenient store.” How do you think your work in those professions would benefit you as president of the United States?
Politics is all about talking people through situations and getting them to compromise. Well, every day in customer service I talk people through the different steps it takes to fix a problem. I can do that easily. To be a babysitter you need to know how to take care of people and make them get along. Politics is the same thing, just on a bigger scale. I also have a lot of life experience. When I was young my family moved around a lot. There were times when we were completely broke, living in a tent and going to food banks, and there was a time when my parents made $100,000 a year. I’ve been in all kinds of social situations, which means I can fit in almost anywhere.
You said you think Iraq and Iran need to grow up. Can you elaborate on that?
They do! Do you know what they are fighting about? Religion! How childish is that? I mean, come on, they need to grow up. Guys, you’re adults—or you’re supposed to be anyway. People aren’t always going to agree with you. Big deal. Who cares?
And the same goes for Congress right now. They’re all yelling and talking over each other and acting like a bunch of kids on the playground. It’s got to stop.
What is your stance on same sex issues?
It’s really none of my business who gets married to whom, and it shouldn’t be anybody else’s business, either. Marriage is between two people who love each other and that’s all there is. We have wars being fought and kids being abused and people killing each other, so on the grand scale of things I don’t care who anyone sleeps with.
And what about drugs?
It’s not our place to tell people not to fry their brains out. The government is not the parent. They can’t ground you for being stupid.
So really it’s all about freedom of choice?
Right. It’s my life, my body, my mind. It’s not up to me to tell my mom how to dress. If you want to risk smashing your head through a windshield by not wearing your seat belt, then go for it. We don’t stop people from bungee jumping, but that’s really dangerous and people do it all the time.
America loves God. Do you think the fact that you don’t love God will affect your popularity?
I’m not an atheist; I’m just not religious. I don’t think religion should have anything to do with the presidency; there is separation of church and state for a reason. If you try to impose the beliefs of your church on the entire country, especially now when we have such a mixed culture, it’s just going to cause even more problems down the line.
When you become present you get told lots of top-secret information, like about aliens and stuff. How would you handle this? Would you keep it private or share the information with the American public?
I would probably share 90 percent of it. I’m sure there are a couple things, like CIA stuff, that you have to keep secret because it puts people’s lives in danger, but everything else should be completely out in the open.
It seems like most presidents go gray from stress soon after being elected. If you went gray would you dye your hair?
Oh no way. I have gray in my hair now, I don’t care. I think it’s cool.
Also, being the president means you’d be, like, so busy. Would you be cool with basically giving up your life for four years?
Oh, yeah. I don’t have a life so I don’t mind.
So what’s up with foreign policy?
We give and give to other countries, but we have kids here going hungry on the streets. We need to take care of our own kids before we go and take care of Africa’s kids. We shouldn’t be out there telling other countries how they should live when, wait, hold on, we’re more screwed up than the are.
If elected, what’s one of the first things you would do in office?
I want to get the Secret Service back on track. They need to be doing what they’re supposed to do instead of just protecting the president’s family. And past presidents should no longer be paid, and the Secret Service shouldn’t be with them anymore, because they are no longer doing a job.
But I think they need protection to stop bad guys from trying to torture all the top-secret alien secrets out of them.
If there has been a legitimate threat on them, then fine. Otherwise they shouldn’t be with them.
On your website it says you’ve never been married and you think it’s best to have a single person in the White House. How come?
I think it’s best if politicians are single because of the sex scandals. Everyone in Congress has a sex scandal, but if you’re single you can’t call it a scandal, it’s just dating.
Are you dating anyone now?
No, I’ve been single for years. I’m so set in my ways now that for me to date someone he would have to be absolutely perfect. Also he’d have to be willing to put up with all my weird stuff.
What weird stuff?
Well, like wanting to run for president. I mean, come on, who does that? I’m one big oxymoron. I can go from babysitting to programming a computer in under an hour. It’s just the way my mind jumps back and forth with stuff.
Well, I wish you luck, Becky! You’ve got my vote!p.s. Thanks to Antonio for informing me about the wonders of B. Rusher.