Rants, Feelings & Opinions

Being Tragic

September 1, 2012

So like yesterday I was giving a blow job in the fitting room of Rainbow, and after it was over, as I was swallowing to the soundtrack of Demi Lovato’s “Give Your Heart a Break”, I thought, “Wait… I need to figure out a way to make my life less tragic and more glamorous.”

I think a reevaluation of my existence is in order. For example: Why, at 26, do I still refill soy sauce bottles for a living? Why do I live behind a curtain? Why have I never had a phone that can go online? Why haven’t I changed my sheets since I moved into my apartment 13 months ago? Why do I shop at Rainbow?

Last week I drunkenly left my phone in a cab. It wasn’t a smartphone, obviously, but it sort of looked like it could be a smart phone–sort of like a square version of a Blackberry, or a more advanced Tamagotchi or something–which meant it was at least OK enough to use publicly without looking entirely pathetic. But now I’m stuck with this horrible vintage flip phone from hell, and I literally can’t take it out of my bag without everyone within a 20ft radius of me staring at the phone like it’s a bomb or a syringe filled with heroin that I’m preparing to jam into my arm in broad daylight in the middle of the street.

Is there even a point existing if you don’t have an Instagram?!

Not to sound cringy, but I’ve been “recognized” at the Chinese restaurant where I work a few times recently, which you would think would be flattering but is actually awful, because it always happens the same way: I hand them a menu, they look at me sort of weird, they say something like, “Are you that girl from that thing?” and then I say, “Oh… uh, yeah,” and then they make a facial expression which basically says, “Wow, I used to think you were really glamorous and cool but now I just think you’re a tragic noodle slave.” And then I spend the next ten minutes wiping up the soy sauce they spilled everywhere.

Is it possible to be glamorous and poor? I recently had a dream where I was really rich and famous and living in a glitter palace, and then suddenly all of my friends stormed into the room and surrounded me Intervention-style, and they were chanting, “You are a glamor addict! We’re taking you away to glamor rehab!” And then they brought me to glamor rehab where all the walls were painted beige and there were no party photographers or street style bloggers anywhere and no guest lists or VIP areas to be found for miles. My dream-self was traumatized. And then I woke up sweating and couldn’t decide whether it had been a dream or a nightmare.

But moving on, please don’t forget that I’m selling Slutever T-shirts! You can see the shirt being worn by me in the photo above, and being modeled by the hot/brilliant Hamilton Morris below (who, by the way, someone yesterday Tweeted was “too cool” for me–fucking bitch can s my d).

p.s. If you relate to this post and are also on a downward spiral, please remember that a couple weeks ago I wrote a how-to guide of how to be tragic IN STYLE.

 

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63 Comments

  • Reply Alex Barrington September 2, 2012 at 10:24 am

    No-one ever said doing this sort of thing was easy.
    The sort of people who will look down their noses at you like that aren’t the people you need to worry about, you’re awesome, keep doing what you’re doing. It’s quite possible you’ll get to the stage where you’ll be able to do THIS for a living :) x x x

  • Reply jg323 September 2, 2012 at 11:58 am

    my Tamagotchi lasted only a month…fun while it lasted though…

    “For every two minutes of glamour, there are eight hours of hard work.” -Jessica Savitch

    • Reply gena kish September 3, 2012 at 12:31 pm

      I’m pretty sure it’s Jessica Savitch who also wrote the famous faked “reference letter” to move up in the news industry, which referred to her as being able to “suck the chrome off a tail pipe” per her ‘last employer’ and mentioned vaguely in the Gus Van Sant film “TO DIE FOR”…
      Clever girl, that.

  • Reply Heather September 2, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    I wouldn’t think it’s tragic if I found you serving noodles to me at a Chinese restaurant. But I would want to know that you’ve washed your hands after reading all the stuff on here.

    Also, it’s now a mass debate with my friends whether or not I should be a t-shirt, and whether or not they’ll still walk around in public with me when I wear it. I think I might save up, and wear it to dinner on my anniversary with my boyfriend – he grew up in a village, so it’ll either give him a hard on or a heart attack.

  • Reply judy September 2, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    glamour is for basic bitches.
    You’re more Berlin than Las Vegas.

    • Reply karleyslutever September 2, 2012 at 3:01 pm

      People from Berlin have dreads though.

      • Reply Sophie September 2, 2012 at 4:54 pm

        Not true. Come to Berlin, its easy to just do your thing and exist on your terms without worrying about money too much. oh, and fetish culture is amazing in Germany.

        • Reply darkroom September 2, 2012 at 5:45 pm

          no lies detected

        • Reply Petar September 5, 2012 at 8:52 pm

          YEAH COME TO BERLIN! IT’S SO BERGHAIN OMG OMG!!!

      • Reply D September 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

        not anymore. it totally changed, everybody over 20 is getting rid of them, even the crust/hc people all cut them. just to give you a local update.

      • Reply darkroom September 3, 2012 at 4:31 pm

        also, berlin is “arm aber sexy” (poor but sexy) – said the openly gay mayor of the city <3

        • Reply gunderscores September 3, 2012 at 10:41 pm

          Hold on – if I went into a restaurant and you were working there I’d hide behind my menu and try and scour my brains for my favourite post of yours just so we’d have something to talk about when I launched myself across the room onto your back like a spider monkey. Yup, still a total fan girl after all these years…

  • Reply HG September 2, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    My new life goal is to give a blow-job in a Rainbow. It’s so trashy, yet is sounds so poetic.

  • Reply Josh September 2, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    I kinda feel like Ive been making poor lifestyle decisions that I’ve never gotten a blow job in a Clair’s or rainbow

  • Reply Oh_hi September 2, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    We’ve seen your blowjobs. They aren’t very good.

    • Reply Sophie September 2, 2012 at 4:59 pm

      wow. my eyes squirting blood to this mean comment.

    • Reply karleyslutever September 2, 2012 at 6:42 pm

      My BJs feel better than they look.

    • Reply Honey September 3, 2012 at 5:31 pm

      would you like to back that up with blowjobs of your own, or did you just want to be an asshole?

  • Reply elocin September 2, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    monetize your blog? learn an online skill? (internet is a free education)

  • Reply -.- September 2, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    make a charity event! a slutever support party! if i was in NY i would totally cum!
    the world loves you babe!!

    • Reply Stephanie September 3, 2012 at 8:12 am

      Me too! Host a party for Slutever lovers x

  • Reply eggs September 2, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    Hamilton is such a cutie!

  • Reply tito September 2, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    Karley, ive told you this before ” HEMINGWAY”. And ive given you the book too, which i hope you’ve read by now.
    tito xxx

  • Reply tess September 2, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    Haha, I was just thinking about this as I just quit my own tragic service industry job and am sitting in my parent’s comfortable, upper middle class house, reading a new york times bestseller called “Nickel & Dimed” about minimum wage workers who eat Doritos for lunch (all too familiar). I was telling my horrified parents about this humiliating yelp review from my work (about me):

    “The star-popper for me was the staff attitude. They adequately carried out their physical duties but 2 out of 3 served the kind of mildly disgusted ennui too cliché for Portlandia to parody without seeming woefully at the end of its momentum (or did that happen?). Endless sample scooping to bourgeois treat seekers would exhaust any of us, but the expressions performed here seemed crafted to defy, “I am better than this.” Yeah, we know — you’re not the only one working under your degree. That’s the current norm and most of us are growing past the bitterness. Your almost audible sighs make me suspect a trust-fund entitlement and I hesitate to tip.”

    All I can say is, fuck all those people who look down on you for not “monetizing on your craft”, or giving in and taking a shitty office job. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m happy you exist, and that you give voice to the underrepresented. I’m glad your productivity resulted in this blog, and not in a moderately well-paying office job where your hard word allows some bank of america executive to buy his third sailboat. What you created is much more precious than what some people with more cash have done, so fuck them.

    I hope one day your life is as comfortable you want it to be, but for right now, I can relate and I think what you contributed to the world is fantastic. Being young and fighting for a certain lifestyle on your terms is completely American and nothing to be ashamed of. We’re all with you.

    • Reply Ro September 4, 2012 at 12:56 pm

      this has made me happy

  • Reply Honey September 2, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    a week ago, my stripper friend took me out for an expensive birthday dinner. we two strippers deliberately dressed like total sluts and went to the nicest restaurant within a mile radius of our houses and ordered as many courses as we could stuff down our gullets (pre-dinner drinks, appetizers, dinner, dessert, post-dinner drinks). everyone else in the restaurant was completely appalled by us. we talked about anal leakage at an inappropriate volume. it’s fun to be horrible as long as you really lean into it! horrible is glamorous, too!

  • Reply barry September 2, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    if you think that letting me know you work in a noodle restaurant is going to make me feel sorry for you and pay you FORTY dollars for a tee shirt you can fuck off. nice blog though

    • Reply karleyslutever September 3, 2012 at 12:17 am

      Well the T-shirts cost $11 each to make, and I’ve been writing this blog for 5 years and making ZERO money from it because it’s FREE for you to read, so if you want a fucking T-shirt you can pay me $40 you cheap prick.

      • Reply gena kish September 3, 2012 at 12:41 pm

        Right on sistah. Sexy and clever cred ain’t cheap.

    • Reply glamazon September 5, 2012 at 5:00 am

      FUCK ME BARRY

      JUST…

      FUCK

  • Reply Jay September 2, 2012 at 11:08 pm

    There is no point in being poor and not being glamorous. I think your the most dazzling glittering glamourpuss around even if you are destitute. If your feeling particularly tragic, The Tin Flute is a great novel to read.
    -Love from that blond girl with the big tits who wears vintage Dior and works at a franchise coffee shop.

  • Reply lala September 3, 2012 at 3:45 am

    Oh Karley!!! Why not enjoy the issness of being here right now. I just can tell you this for me, nothing but nothing it is ever easy. It completely brings me down but then I do a review of my life, and that always seems to be the theme, ya know. I totally empathize with you and pretty much everyone feels like this. The difference is that you are honest about it. Most people hide behind masks and pretend to be successful and if they are successful they are assholes. I guess that as a reader I should help out although things are pretty tight with money right now. I love your edginess but the twat t shirt not my taste. You should give a few choices besides

  • Reply lala September 3, 2012 at 3:48 am

    This goes to lilqtsub. Why you made your blog private? I was totally hooked

  • Reply Jorge September 3, 2012 at 3:51 am

    I´d love to get a t-shirt, I just happen to live abroad. Btw where can I see you blowing?

  • Reply Caroline September 3, 2012 at 4:26 am

    Looking at Hamilton Morris makes my mouth wet.

  • Reply Jack J September 3, 2012 at 6:46 am

    Karley, love your blog – but please tell me you were joking when you said you haven’t changed your sheets since you moved into your flat 13 months ago. o_O

  • Reply Lorenzo September 3, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Being from Europe, I’m kind of puzzled by how even liberal/radical americans are ultimately materialistic and feel ashamed for not being rich.
    Here, some “radical chic” (that’s how we call them) might feel ashamed of having (not not having) expensive electronic devices, because they make them look shallow. I guess it’s because of the communist influence.
    Anyway I think you should be inspired but the aforementioned european attitude and act like you don’t want expensive stuff instead of can’t afford.

    Instead, I do think you should improve your domestic hygiene, we are not in the middle ages.

    • Reply gena kish September 3, 2012 at 12:44 pm

      Hot damn, I need to move back to Europe.

  • Reply abc September 3, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    dude you have thousands of blog readers. that would be a dream for me. you have so many opportunities to make big bucks, you already have the audience for it. look at that 50 shades of grey crap, it started as a TWILIGHT FANFIC. she probs lives in a megamansion now. just sayin. you have the readership already. it’d be super easy to have something published/turned into a film/$$

  • Reply Brittany Paul September 3, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Tragic IS glamorous, didn’t you know? That’s why we love the Marilyn’s, the Lindsey Lohan’s, etc, etc..Americans love things/people that came from nothing…we feed off your inspiration so you have a job to do! Get to it ol’ broad!

  • Reply M V September 3, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    GROSS – change those sheets ! RECOGNISED – urgh, like they read your blog so they are even less glam than you so who’s judging & CONSUMERISM – being poor sucks whatever, you shouldn’t feel humiliated by others for it.

    NEway (completely aware that I always sound like some smug harbinger of doom) if analysing the bizzarre/uncomfortable/lesser known parts of people’s (mainly your own) sex lives doesn’t seem to bring in the big bucks, um – wtf d’you expect?!

    Come on you know all this, you write a blog, and not like a mainstream blog with ad slots, but an alternative blog about yourself and your sex life…The hottest, arguably most talented musician I know who is lead singer in a crazy (as yet mostly undiscovered) hot band also waits tables for a living – she’s glamorous as hell and no she does not love it but she believes in her dream and will work as hard as it takes to get there. She gets through the shit pay and the disrespectful customers and any humiliation by knowing that when she gets on stage she rocks harder than anyone, inspires people and she is proud of what she does at the end of the day. Maybe you need something more fulfilling/goal orientated to have in the back of your mind that you are slogging away for?

    Tragically, voyeurs will take everything and leave you with nothing because they feel that you were living anyway, not just because they were looking. And they know you liked it.

    So, while you need to respect your potential customers (make an alt version of your shirt peeps will actually wear & thus part with money for) THIS IS YOUR LIFE sexy, so if this IS your big ambition then it’s business as usual, but if there’s something else in there waiting to get out….slog it out head high noodle slave or otherwise till you find a way.

  • Reply Kayt September 3, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    Karley, I too have been a Tragic Noodle Slave, coming home every night reeking of soy sauce and sweat. I just recently quit my job in a fiery blaze where I accused my boss of being an “incredible sexist.”

    Anyways, keep doing your thing! Your blog is one of my very favorites, and I think it’s great that you’re trying to make some $$ off of it, especially because it IS FREE to your dear and loyal followers. That said, I sadly can’t buy a t-shirt because even though I’m no longer a Tragic Noodle Slave (totally using that btw), I’m a decidedly unglamorous unemployed loser who watches too much Breaking Bad. GET IT GRRRL.

  • Reply ashley September 3, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    Ahhh, I love you Slutever lady!

  • Reply BEEBBBEEEEEE September 3, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    I FEEEEEEL THIS SOOOOOO HARD

  • Reply goose September 3, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    you are too cool for hamilton

  • Reply Hunter September 3, 2012 at 10:14 pm

    Money is totally optional in regards to “glam”. Glam is breaking car windows in the middle of the night, running from the cops and if caught batting your handy dandy blowjob-lashes, it’s raunchy-ness, excitement … blaaaahp.

    It’s hard to balance surviving and not exploiting your art so you can eat but find a medium and toast pinky up.

  • Reply whaaaaaaa September 3, 2012 at 11:51 pm

    go back to school. be a real therapist. help real people. or not. and i get an upgrade in december, you can have my old iPhone. fuckinA doesn’t hamilton have access to a phone for you? #someboyfriend
    just kidding, but really iPhones are overrated as is instagram as is being in and on all of the godamn time #relax

  • Reply whaaaaaaa September 3, 2012 at 11:53 pm

    i cant hardy believe no one said anything about the cool car and being in the woods.

  • Reply whaaaaaaa September 3, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    and i also think its weird the posts people comment on and the posts that people dont comment on. its clear that people are INTO YOU. your life SCREAMS REALITY SHOW

  • Reply miranda September 4, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Karley can you please make a tit t-shirt? I’ll totally buy one, I’ve already bought the vag one :)xxx>

  • Reply rose sea September 4, 2012 at 10:36 am

    haha :) i feel your pain with vintage phones.

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lz9xwpaF5k1r3jsrko1_500.jpg

  • Reply A September 4, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    Did you see that NYT article about Coco Rocha and how to be a brand? I think you just need a little strategy as far as the blog goes because you certainly are interesting enough. Blog every day and get more advertisers. Best of luck; I think you’re great!

  • Reply steph September 5, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Um, I am poor as fuck. I actually read your blog and am like “why is my life not as cool and interesting as this, why am I working in a job I hate 9 hours a day 5 days a week for fuck all money. why is my life so shamefully pathetic when other people, like those portrayed in slutever, are able to have really obscure and hilarious lives?”

    I am a bad person but it makes me feel better knowing that you are also poor as fuck and do not find as much entertainment in your own life. It makes me feel less pathetic and more like I too could have a life like yours, minus the butt sex because I’m not really into that.

  • Reply Michelle September 6, 2012 at 12:58 am

    I really appreciated this post as an honest representation of what it’s really like to be 20-something in New York with aspirations of self-actualization. While everyone is in a sense in the same boat (especially in this economy (especially, especially in the art/music/fashion scenes)), not everyone shows their cards.

    On the one hand, there are many people out there who try their level A best to hide from social media and party people what they have to do to survive. On the other hand, there are people trying just as hard to maintain their credibility and hide the fact that their parents bankroll their entire lives.

    No matter what side of the fence you are on, no one is willing to admit they are human. They conflate where their money comes from with how they are perceived as a person. The thing is though, it’s all about character. Being a whole person and owning your identity and your reality is (I believe) the only way to glamour that both you and everyone else can recognize. Kudos.

  • Reply Just a thought September 6, 2012 at 2:53 am

    Your job does not define you. Your phone does not make you stylish. And existential horror is safe in small doses, when it kicks you to move forward.

  • Reply SarahK September 7, 2012 at 9:36 pm

    Don’t fret, you’re amazing. END OF. xx

  • Reply duende September 10, 2012 at 4:44 am

    i think you’re more cool for having shared the soy sauce story.

    my unchanged sheets records is 24 months, but then again i was the only one using them.

  • Reply duende September 10, 2012 at 5:00 am

    the unchanged sheets is a subconscious reaction to feeling unsettled. if i had to guess i’d say that this place doesn’t feel like “home” to you for some reason or other. once you are home you will change the sheets.

  • Reply Lindsea September 11, 2012 at 6:48 am

    Reaccuring nightmare? Say hello to my life for the past year!! I was in a shitty car wreck lost my liscense my job my ability to walk and use my arm for a little bit Lost my will to go on. I bleached my hair thinking that would spice things up and make me feel exciting and trendy and wild. Pfff not! Now I just look tragic with yellow hair. But as the days go on and my face gets saltier by the day (tears. Sweat. Agony) I realize I am starting to enjoy not giving a shit. The less glamourous I feel in my life the closer I get to true glamour in my heart. The sort of glamour that comes from not giving a fuck about anything. It’s ok Karley. You are the real deal. And you know it. That’s why I love you. You are high fashion, the morning after. And to who ever said Hamilton is too good for you or whatever: ew. ShutUP

    With love from Reno NV X)
    -L.

    • Reply karleyslutever September 11, 2012 at 7:02 am

      “The less glamourous I feel in my life the closer I get to true glamour in my heart.” – best sentence ever

  • Reply Lindsea September 11, 2012 at 6:55 am

    I’m sorry I just forgot to mention that car wreck was from my new friend epilepsy I just found out i had it. So it’s like I am a human vibrator. But instead of waking up covered in cum I’m covered in Cuts and bruises. Haha. It’s ok. Laugh with me. It’s the only way it’s livable. Life is odd. Humor is always at someones expense. Maybe today it can be at yours ;;)

  • Reply monique September 13, 2012 at 4:32 am

    Tragic noodle slave.

  • Reply nic October 10, 2012 at 10:13 pm

    WHAT?! You’re not rich??! You write for a ton of magazines, what fucking hope do I have? I’m going to have to go get a job in PR or some other real people job. this is bullshit

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