Being Tragic

So like yesterday I was giving a blow job in the fitting room of Rainbow, and after it was over, as I was swallowing to the soundtrack of Demi Lovato’s “Give Your Heart a Break”, I thought, “Wait… I need to figure out a way to make my life less tragic and more glamorous.”

I think a reevaluation of my existence is in order. For example: Why, at 26, do I still refill soy sauce bottles for a living? Why do I live behind a curtain? Why have I never had a phone that can go online? Why haven’t I changed my sheets since I moved into my apartment 13 months ago? Why do I shop at Rainbow?

Last week I drunkenly left my phone in a cab. It wasn’t a smartphone, obviously, but it sort of looked like it could be a smart phone–sort of like a square version of a Blackberry, or a more advanced Tamagotchi or something–which meant it was at least OK enough to use publicly without looking entirely pathetic. But now I’m stuck with this horrible vintage flip phone from hell, and I literally can’t take it out of my bag without everyone within a 20ft radius of me staring at the phone like it’s a bomb or a syringe filled with heroin that I’m preparing to jam into my arm in broad daylight in the middle of the street.

Is there even a point existing if you don’t have an Instagram?!

Not to sound cringy, but I’ve been “recognized” at the Chinese restaurant where I work a few times recently, which you would think would be flattering but is actually awful, because it always happens the same way: I hand them a menu, they look at me sort of weird, they say something like, “Are you that girl from that thing?” and then I say, “Oh… uh, yeah,” and then they make a facial expression which basically says, “Wow, I used to think you were really glamorous and cool but now I just think you’re a tragic noodle slave.” And then I spend the next ten minutes wiping up the soy sauce they spilled everywhere.

Is it possible to be glamorous and poor? I recently had a dream where I was really rich and famous and living in a glitter palace, and then suddenly all of my friends stormed into the room and surrounded me Intervention-style, and they were chanting, “You are a glamor addict! We’re taking you away to glamor rehab!” And then they brought me to glamor rehab where all the walls were painted beige and there were no party photographers or street style bloggers anywhere and no guest lists or VIP areas to be found for miles. My dream-self was traumatized. And then I woke up sweating and couldn’t decide whether it had been a dream or a nightmare.

But moving on, please don’t forget that I’m selling Slutever T-shirts! You can see the shirt being worn by me in the photo above, and being modeled by the hot/brilliant Hamilton Morris below (who, by the way, someone yesterday Tweeted was “too cool” for me–fucking bitch can s my d).

p.s. If you relate to this post and are also on a downward spiral, please remember that a couple weeks ago I wrote a how-to guide of how to be tragic IN STYLE.

 

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63 Responses to Being Tragic

  1. Alex Barrington says:

    No-one ever said doing this sort of thing was easy.
    The sort of people who will look down their noses at you like that aren’t the people you need to worry about, you’re awesome, keep doing what you’re doing. It’s quite possible you’ll get to the stage where you’ll be able to do THIS for a living :) x x x

  2. jg323 says:

    my Tamagotchi lasted only a month…fun while it lasted though…

    “For every two minutes of glamour, there are eight hours of hard work.” -Jessica Savitch

    • gena kish says:

      I’m pretty sure it’s Jessica Savitch who also wrote the famous faked “reference letter” to move up in the news industry, which referred to her as being able to “suck the chrome off a tail pipe” per her ‘last employer’ and mentioned vaguely in the Gus Van Sant film “TO DIE FOR”…
      Clever girl, that.

  3. Heather says:

    I wouldn’t think it’s tragic if I found you serving noodles to me at a Chinese restaurant. But I would want to know that you’ve washed your hands after reading all the stuff on here.

    Also, it’s now a mass debate with my friends whether or not I should be a t-shirt, and whether or not they’ll still walk around in public with me when I wear it. I think I might save up, and wear it to dinner on my anniversary with my boyfriend – he grew up in a village, so it’ll either give him a hard on or a heart attack.

  4. judy says:

    glamour is for basic bitches.
    You’re more Berlin than Las Vegas.

  5. HG says:

    My new life goal is to give a blow-job in a Rainbow. It’s so trashy, yet is sounds so poetic.

  6. Josh says:

    I kinda feel like Ive been making poor lifestyle decisions that I’ve never gotten a blow job in a Clair’s or rainbow

  7. Oh_hi says:

    We’ve seen your blowjobs. They aren’t very good.

  8. elocin says:

    monetize your blog? learn an online skill? (internet is a free education)

  9. -.- says:

    make a charity event! a slutever support party! if i was in NY i would totally cum!
    the world loves you babe!!

  10. eggs says:

    Hamilton is such a cutie!

  11. tito says:

    Karley, ive told you this before ” HEMINGWAY”. And ive given you the book too, which i hope you’ve read by now.
    tito xxx

  12. tess says:

    Haha, I was just thinking about this as I just quit my own tragic service industry job and am sitting in my parent’s comfortable, upper middle class house, reading a new york times bestseller called “Nickel & Dimed” about minimum wage workers who eat Doritos for lunch (all too familiar). I was telling my horrified parents about this humiliating yelp review from my work (about me):

    “The star-popper for me was the staff attitude. They adequately carried out their physical duties but 2 out of 3 served the kind of mildly disgusted ennui too cliché for Portlandia to parody without seeming woefully at the end of its momentum (or did that happen?). Endless sample scooping to bourgeois treat seekers would exhaust any of us, but the expressions performed here seemed crafted to defy, “I am better than this.” Yeah, we know — you’re not the only one working under your degree. That’s the current norm and most of us are growing past the bitterness. Your almost audible sighs make me suspect a trust-fund entitlement and I hesitate to tip.”

    All I can say is, fuck all those people who look down on you for not “monetizing on your craft”, or giving in and taking a shitty office job. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m happy you exist, and that you give voice to the underrepresented. I’m glad your productivity resulted in this blog, and not in a moderately well-paying office job where your hard word allows some bank of america executive to buy his third sailboat. What you created is much more precious than what some people with more cash have done, so fuck them.

    I hope one day your life is as comfortable you want it to be, but for right now, I can relate and I think what you contributed to the world is fantastic. Being young and fighting for a certain lifestyle on your terms is completely American and nothing to be ashamed of. We’re all with you.

  13. Honey says:

    a week ago, my stripper friend took me out for an expensive birthday dinner. we two strippers deliberately dressed like total sluts and went to the nicest restaurant within a mile radius of our houses and ordered as many courses as we could stuff down our gullets (pre-dinner drinks, appetizers, dinner, dessert, post-dinner drinks). everyone else in the restaurant was completely appalled by us. we talked about anal leakage at an inappropriate volume. it’s fun to be horrible as long as you really lean into it! horrible is glamorous, too!

  14. barry says:

    if you think that letting me know you work in a noodle restaurant is going to make me feel sorry for you and pay you FORTY dollars for a tee shirt you can fuck off. nice blog though

  15. Jay says:

    There is no point in being poor and not being glamorous. I think your the most dazzling glittering glamourpuss around even if you are destitute. If your feeling particularly tragic, The Tin Flute is a great novel to read.
    -Love from that blond girl with the big tits who wears vintage Dior and works at a franchise coffee shop.

  16. lala says:

    Oh Karley!!! Why not enjoy the issness of being here right now. I just can tell you this for me, nothing but nothing it is ever easy. It completely brings me down but then I do a review of my life, and that always seems to be the theme, ya know. I totally empathize with you and pretty much everyone feels like this. The difference is that you are honest about it. Most people hide behind masks and pretend to be successful and if they are successful they are assholes. I guess that as a reader I should help out although things are pretty tight with money right now. I love your edginess but the twat t shirt not my taste. You should give a few choices besides

  17. lala says:

    This goes to lilqtsub. Why you made your blog private? I was totally hooked

  18. Jorge says:

    I´d love to get a t-shirt, I just happen to live abroad. Btw where can I see you blowing?

  19. Caroline says:

    Looking at Hamilton Morris makes my mouth wet.

  20. Jack J says:

    Karley, love your blog – but please tell me you were joking when you said you haven’t changed your sheets since you moved into your flat 13 months ago. o_O

  21. Lorenzo says:

    Being from Europe, I’m kind of puzzled by how even liberal/radical americans are ultimately materialistic and feel ashamed for not being rich.
    Here, some “radical chic” (that’s how we call them) might feel ashamed of having (not not having) expensive electronic devices, because they make them look shallow. I guess it’s because of the communist influence.
    Anyway I think you should be inspired but the aforementioned european attitude and act like you don’t want expensive stuff instead of can’t afford.

    Instead, I do think you should improve your domestic hygiene, we are not in the middle ages.

  22. abc says:

    dude you have thousands of blog readers. that would be a dream for me. you have so many opportunities to make big bucks, you already have the audience for it. look at that 50 shades of grey crap, it started as a TWILIGHT FANFIC. she probs lives in a megamansion now. just sayin. you have the readership already. it’d be super easy to have something published/turned into a film/$$

  23. Brittany Paul says:

    Tragic IS glamorous, didn’t you know? That’s why we love the Marilyn’s, the Lindsey Lohan’s, etc, etc..Americans love things/people that came from nothing…we feed off your inspiration so you have a job to do! Get to it ol’ broad!

  24. M V says:

    GROSS – change those sheets ! RECOGNISED – urgh, like they read your blog so they are even less glam than you so who’s judging & CONSUMERISM – being poor sucks whatever, you shouldn’t feel humiliated by others for it.

    NEway (completely aware that I always sound like some smug harbinger of doom) if analysing the bizzarre/uncomfortable/lesser known parts of people’s (mainly your own) sex lives doesn’t seem to bring in the big bucks, um – wtf d’you expect?!

    Come on you know all this, you write a blog, and not like a mainstream blog with ad slots, but an alternative blog about yourself and your sex life…The hottest, arguably most talented musician I know who is lead singer in a crazy (as yet mostly undiscovered) hot band also waits tables for a living – she’s glamorous as hell and no she does not love it but she believes in her dream and will work as hard as it takes to get there. She gets through the shit pay and the disrespectful customers and any humiliation by knowing that when she gets on stage she rocks harder than anyone, inspires people and she is proud of what she does at the end of the day. Maybe you need something more fulfilling/goal orientated to have in the back of your mind that you are slogging away for?

    Tragically, voyeurs will take everything and leave you with nothing because they feel that you were living anyway, not just because they were looking. And they know you liked it.

    So, while you need to respect your potential customers (make an alt version of your shirt peeps will actually wear & thus part with money for) THIS IS YOUR LIFE sexy, so if this IS your big ambition then it’s business as usual, but if there’s something else in there waiting to get out….slog it out head high noodle slave or otherwise till you find a way.

  25. Kayt says:

    Karley, I too have been a Tragic Noodle Slave, coming home every night reeking of soy sauce and sweat. I just recently quit my job in a fiery blaze where I accused my boss of being an “incredible sexist.”

    Anyways, keep doing your thing! Your blog is one of my very favorites, and I think it’s great that you’re trying to make some $$ off of it, especially because it IS FREE to your dear and loyal followers. That said, I sadly can’t buy a t-shirt because even though I’m no longer a Tragic Noodle Slave (totally using that btw), I’m a decidedly unglamorous unemployed loser who watches too much Breaking Bad. GET IT GRRRL.

  26. ashley says:

    Ahhh, I love you Slutever lady!

  27. BEEBBBEEEEEE says:

    I FEEEEEEL THIS SOOOOOO HARD

  28. goose says:

    you are too cool for hamilton

  29. Hunter says:

    Money is totally optional in regards to “glam”. Glam is breaking car windows in the middle of the night, running from the cops and if caught batting your handy dandy blowjob-lashes, it’s raunchy-ness, excitement … blaaaahp.

    It’s hard to balance surviving and not exploiting your art so you can eat but find a medium and toast pinky up.

  30. whaaaaaaa says:

    go back to school. be a real therapist. help real people. or not. and i get an upgrade in december, you can have my old iPhone. fuckinA doesn’t hamilton have access to a phone for you? #someboyfriend
    just kidding, but really iPhones are overrated as is instagram as is being in and on all of the godamn time #relax

  31. whaaaaaaa says:

    i cant hardy believe no one said anything about the cool car and being in the woods.

  32. whaaaaaaa says:

    and i also think its weird the posts people comment on and the posts that people dont comment on. its clear that people are INTO YOU. your life SCREAMS REALITY SHOW

  33. miranda says:

    Karley can you please make a tit t-shirt? I’ll totally buy one, I’ve already bought the vag one :)xxx>

  34. rose sea says:

    haha :) i feel your pain with vintage phones.

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lz9xwpaF5k1r3jsrko1_500.jpg

  35. A says:

    Did you see that NYT article about Coco Rocha and how to be a brand? I think you just need a little strategy as far as the blog goes because you certainly are interesting enough. Blog every day and get more advertisers. Best of luck; I think you’re great!

  36. steph says:

    Um, I am poor as fuck. I actually read your blog and am like “why is my life not as cool and interesting as this, why am I working in a job I hate 9 hours a day 5 days a week for fuck all money. why is my life so shamefully pathetic when other people, like those portrayed in slutever, are able to have really obscure and hilarious lives?”

    I am a bad person but it makes me feel better knowing that you are also poor as fuck and do not find as much entertainment in your own life. It makes me feel less pathetic and more like I too could have a life like yours, minus the butt sex because I’m not really into that.

  37. Michelle says:

    I really appreciated this post as an honest representation of what it’s really like to be 20-something in New York with aspirations of self-actualization. While everyone is in a sense in the same boat (especially in this economy (especially, especially in the art/music/fashion scenes)), not everyone shows their cards.

    On the one hand, there are many people out there who try their level A best to hide from social media and party people what they have to do to survive. On the other hand, there are people trying just as hard to maintain their credibility and hide the fact that their parents bankroll their entire lives.

    No matter what side of the fence you are on, no one is willing to admit they are human. They conflate where their money comes from with how they are perceived as a person. The thing is though, it’s all about character. Being a whole person and owning your identity and your reality is (I believe) the only way to glamour that both you and everyone else can recognize. Kudos.

  38. Just a thought says:

    Your job does not define you. Your phone does not make you stylish. And existential horror is safe in small doses, when it kicks you to move forward.

  39. SarahK says:

    Don’t fret, you’re amazing. END OF. xx

  40. duende says:

    i think you’re more cool for having shared the soy sauce story.

    my unchanged sheets records is 24 months, but then again i was the only one using them.

  41. duende says:

    the unchanged sheets is a subconscious reaction to feeling unsettled. if i had to guess i’d say that this place doesn’t feel like “home” to you for some reason or other. once you are home you will change the sheets.

  42. Lindsea says:

    Reaccuring nightmare? Say hello to my life for the past year!! I was in a shitty car wreck lost my liscense my job my ability to walk and use my arm for a little bit Lost my will to go on. I bleached my hair thinking that would spice things up and make me feel exciting and trendy and wild. Pfff not! Now I just look tragic with yellow hair. But as the days go on and my face gets saltier by the day (tears. Sweat. Agony) I realize I am starting to enjoy not giving a shit. The less glamourous I feel in my life the closer I get to true glamour in my heart. The sort of glamour that comes from not giving a fuck about anything. It’s ok Karley. You are the real deal. And you know it. That’s why I love you. You are high fashion, the morning after. And to who ever said Hamilton is too good for you or whatever: ew. ShutUP

    With love from Reno NV X)
    -L.

  43. Lindsea says:

    I’m sorry I just forgot to mention that car wreck was from my new friend epilepsy I just found out i had it. So it’s like I am a human vibrator. But instead of waking up covered in cum I’m covered in Cuts and bruises. Haha. It’s ok. Laugh with me. It’s the only way it’s livable. Life is odd. Humor is always at someones expense. Maybe today it can be at yours ;;)

  44. monique says:

    Tragic noodle slave.

  45. nic says:

    WHAT?! You’re not rich??! You write for a ton of magazines, what fucking hope do I have? I’m going to have to go get a job in PR or some other real people job. this is bullshit

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