It was my birthday a couple days ago. I’m now officially twenty-four. Great, in a year I’ll be a quarter of a century old and I’ve yet to accomplish anything of value. What have I been doing all this time? I used to have such promise —I graduated top of my high school class, was headed for a degree at an Ivy League college. For a while I was even seriously considering becoming a paleontologist. (Lolz) And now look at me—a dirty squatter caught up in a world of prostitutes, junkies, shitheads and shamans. Who are these freaks? How did I get here? This isn’t my life. Well, it wasn’t supposed to be anyway.
My mother says my problem is that I’ve “lost my relationship with god” and that I’m “on dope.” She recently suggested I make a vision board, so like a list of personal goals using visual images, as suggested by Oprah. She seems to think it will solve all my problems. I, however, think the larger issue is that whenever I sit down to work I just end up watching videos of fat people falling on Youtube, or taking Valium and staring at the wall for five hours.
But moving on—on Saturday night my fellow squatmates and I held a party at our house to celebrate my glorious birth. Both Bunny and Kerri (squatmates) had birthdays last week as well, so the party was sort of a joint celebration for the three of us. Although I just kept telling everyone it was only for me. La fiesta probably would have been better if there weren’t so many random creeps barfing everywhere, snorting lines of ketamine off all my stuff, and tagging every possible surface of the house with lame shit like “Yur mum sux”, but what can you do?
A punk band called Stavin Chains played. I heard they were, however I was far too distracted by the fact that they were all hot, young, half-naked boys covered in dirt to remember what they sounded like.
My very thoughtful housemate Dominic made special customized birthday cakes for all of us.
Mine had a vagina on it.
Pat Bateman showed up and rocked out HARD.
The best part of the party was definitely all the hot, boy-on-boy tongue action.
I caught some guy taking lines of K off my copy machine.
I think he took too much…
Mid party Kerri took a power nap on Hannah.
Later on in the night we got bored so a couple of us went to the bathroom and shaved Dan Devine’s inner thighs.
He was very happy with the results.