I’ve been living in a house with four other girls for two years now. Over time our menstrual cycles have synchronized. For those of you who think this is an urban myth, you’re wrong. It’s something to do with pheromones… or licking each other’s vaginas too often- I don’t really know. But the fact is, during that time of the month, walking into our house is like throwing yourself at an inbred family of redneck polar bears. It’s terrifying. But this ongoing monthly bloodbath got me thinking about the differences between men and women. Sadly, what I’ve come to realize is that us girls really got the short end of the stick when it comes to gender. I mean, men pretty much dominate everything – politics, business, art, hairdressing, beard growing. It’s wildly unfair. I guess you could say women still have the upper hand when it comes to sex, but it depends on how you look at it. Here are some of the reasons why I think boys rule.
1. They’re not crazy.
Guys are so cool and chilled out about relationship stuff. They’re all like, “You don’t want to hang out? That’s cool. I’ll just catch up on some naked wrestling with my guy friends.” Why can’t girls be that normal? It’s like the second we fancy someone, our minds are taken over by the Crush Gods and we instantly lose all ability to formulate rational thought. We spend hours analyzing every little thing our crush does or says. Why hasn’t he texted me back? Why does his away message say “Out 2 dinner?” Do you think he’d like it if I burnt his name into my chest with my hair straighteners? Stuff like that.
2. They don’t dot their i’s with little hearts.
A crime worthy of a hysterectomy.
3. They can somehow still look sexy when they’re old.
By some fuck-up of nature, men actually seem to get better looking with age (aside, obvs, from the few who, for some reason, just end up looking like scary old lesbians- i.e. Robert Redford and all of Bon Jovi). Harrison Ford, Daniel Day Lewis, Denzel Washington – they’re all over 50 and still smokin’ hot. The older men get, the more elegant and wise they look. All women gain with age is saggy tits, a 9-digit password for Home Shopping Network, and that weird flap of skin that dangles from underneath the chin like a used condom (commonly refereed to as ‘wattle’).
4. They can play the guitar.
You want to argue with me on this one? Name one girl who can actually play guitar (without the help of effects pedals). Pleeeease! The only time a girl looks good next to a guitar is when she’s licking it in an 80’s metal video.
5.They’re more ergonomically designed.
Having a vagina is shit. You can’t piss in public, which is just an absolute joke. You have to undergo childbirth. And you have periods. I did the math – if you have your period five days a month between the ages of 14 and 50, it totals in seven and a half years. What?! That’s longer than most people who die before the age of seven live.
6. They’re smarter.
Why do you think so few men are good at giving head? It’s not because they don’t know how to do it. You just lick, for Christ’s sake. It’s not rocket science. Men are shit because they know that if they weren’t, women would make them do it more. And here we are, sucking ’til our tongues are dry and brittle, and we can’t even swallow from such violent cases of lockjaw, and all the while these fucking men are just laughing in our tired, cock-filled faces.