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Dating 101: 20 More Secrets (That Are Not Really Secrets) About Dating

September 19, 2011

People seemed to like the first one, so here we go again!

1. If a girl is dry, it’s not her problem, it’s yours.

2. Masturbating to childhood photos of your boyfriend does not make you a paedophile, it makes you sooo totally cute!!!

3. You know how sometimes a few hours after you have sex some of the leftover semen seeps out of your vagina onto your inner thighs? It’s OK to eat it.

4. Sober sex is better than drunk sex. Drunk sex is better than no sex.

5. All in all, jealousy is a bad quality. However, if you really like someone, sometimes it’s good to show that you’re a little bit jealous of all the skanky hoes vying for his/her attention, because it shows you really care.

6. Jewish people are hot.

7. “Bitch, turn over!” is not a very nice thing to say, however when properly executed it can be very, very arousing.

8. Recently, 3 different girls have told me that when they masturbate they think about being gangbanged and/or raped, but then, right in their moment of climax, they think about the person they love. Just putting that out there.

9. Technically speaking, that giant birds nest tangle thing that forms in the back of your hair after a long love-making session is called a “sex knot.”

10. If he calls you in the daytime just to chat, it means he likes you for realzies. If he compliments you on your new Issey Miyake prism tote bag, it means he’s gay.

Photos by Julia Corsaro

11. Sucking your bf’s dick in the shower while he washes his hair is both hot and time efficient. #multitasking

12. We don’t want to hear about your ex-girlfriend, ever, even if you’re talking shit about her. Actually, that’s even worse.

13. No matter how dorky and tween movie it may be, holding hands in the movies will always be a total cute alert!

14. A fedora is never a good idea.

15. Justin Theroux is a gazillion times hotter than Brad Pitt. There, I said it.

16. I’m sorry, but food and sex just do not mix. I don’t know where that rumor got started. It’s SEX, not a Ricky Martin video.

17. Maintaining eye contact for just that little bit too long is the easiest way to say “I want to fuck you.”

18. Guys: Not letting a girl kiss you after she gives you head is a surefire sign that you are a prude, pathetic piece of man garbage, and that you suck in bed.

19. Cacti do not make good dildos.

20. And lastly, we’re all equally psycho! Don’t feel guilty about analyzing every last detail (down to the punctuation) of that text she sent you, because she probably spent an equal amount of time composing it. You might as well embrace your craziness, because it’s here to stay.

Comments

Comments

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26 Comments

  • Reply Anon September 19, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    oh karley i love you!

  • Reply sticky September 19, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    16. I’m sorry, but food and sex just do not mix. I don’t know where that rumor got started. It’s SEX, not a Ricky Martin video.PREACH IT

  • Reply author September 19, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    You can add me to the list of girl who think of being gangbanged while masturbate then suddenly its the one i love's cute little face!

  • Reply Myself September 19, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    I just wanted to say that i fucking LOVE your writing.

  • Reply julia September 19, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    thankyou so much for calling out fedoras

  • Reply Angelique September 19, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    i most enjoyed that one :)but food and sex can mix in the right mood and high spirit you know! for exemple, using your pussy as a dip for his/her/your/a chocolate or appricot bite. you see :)

  • Reply Filip Adrian September 19, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    Let's make it clear: Justin Theroux is hotter than Brad Pitt only if he's not wearing a hat. When he's wearing a hat he just loses it all. And it's not only because hats he wears look like if he's taken it from Me Against The Music video (which I like to call a MATM alert), it's cause men should not wear hat unless they're in alaska or they're jews or they look like jews. Ok, maybe it's even ok if they're bald and trying to hide it. Or maybe it's not, since nobody likes this kind of surprises.

  • Reply Filip Adrian September 19, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    Ok, my english's so bad.

  • Reply gunderscores September 19, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    Jesus Christ, that one about the eye contact! So true. I'm passing this on to the guy I like…

  • Reply SimplySteph September 19, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    I like the theme of the first one. PERIOD LOVE

  • Reply kstang September 20, 2011 at 4:24 am

    damn, girl.you keep it real.

  • Reply B. September 20, 2011 at 8:23 am

    14. love. thankyou for saying it!and 17. going to trial that soooooon

  • Reply anna September 20, 2011 at 9:11 am

    I love this. Especially number 6, Jewish people are hot!

  • Reply Haze September 20, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    Yeah, I second number 6. Team Jewish men. And no. 18 is the absolute worst.

  • Reply hmmm September 20, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    I dispute 19.

  • Reply stalker # 999 September 21, 2011 at 3:10 am

    what hair dye do you use?

  • Reply SLUTEVER September 21, 2011 at 3:12 am

    Revlon 'ultra light natural blonde.' Just $3.79!!

  • Reply Rita Gomes September 21, 2011 at 11:34 pm

    no food? you clearly never seen this. http://www.tnaflix.com/teen-porn/Cam%3B-Sand-wish-de-buceta-Sanduiche-de-buceta-pussy-burger/video179320?ref=index

  • Reply bo;bdonq September 22, 2011 at 3:12 am

    Thank you for number one. Guys are stupid. ALL OF THEM.

  • Reply stalker # 999 September 23, 2011 at 12:32 am

    I love you hair and your teeth

  • Reply Danielle V September 23, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Hahahaha thank you for this list. My roommates and I laughed about it all day.

  • Reply darkroom September 24, 2011 at 11:22 am

    17 oh yes

  • Reply a dude September 25, 2011 at 9:52 am

    - I have some bi fantasies when I think about getting raped/DP-ed but when I cum I always think about fucking a girl. Every. Time.- Uh, 10 was a bad joke, right…?- I totally dispute 12! To paraphrase Sister Toldja, who put it much better than I'm about to, being able to analyze past relationships, the good AND the bad parts, is a sign you are mature.

  • Reply Louise September 27, 2011 at 8:52 am

    18! Yeaaaah! :)

  • Reply Sandra October 3, 2011 at 8:38 am

    Totally started tearing up at the first one.

  • Reply Laura October 3, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    3, 8, 12, 20 – story of my life!

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