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Dating 101: 20 Secrets (That Are Not Really Secrets) About Dating

March 12, 2011

All pics by Sandy Kim (who I recently made out with)

1. Spitting in your boyfriend’s mouth is the new black.

2. Guys: When you are going down on a girl, don’t look up at her. Our pubes make you look like you have a weird Hitler mustache, and that creeps us out.

3. It’s always nice to give someone you care about a compliment, but compliments mean infinitely more when you’re sober.

4. It’s OK to think your brother is hot.

5. Cum on her face. She’ll like it, I promise.

6. Girls like to be stroked and snuggled and kissed. Sort of like a cat. But we also like to be smacked around once in a while. Take note. 

7. Being jealous is a waste of time and energy. Everyone has exes, so don’t stress about the fact that your lover has had other lovers. Also, don’t do things intentionally to try and make the person you are dating jealous, either. That’s mean, and why would you want to be mean to someone you care about?

8. Blood is nature’s lubricant.

9. Gentle kisses to the top of the head are a sure-fire sign that someone really likes you. Trying to put it in your ass when you’re half sleeping even though you’ve told him a bunch of times that you’re not really into that is a sure-fire sign that you should move on.

10. Boys with big noses are hot. Boys with big noses who get nosebleeds are even hotter.

11. It’s unattractive to be too available. I know you want to be with him like ALL the time, but always being free to hang makes you look like an unimportant loser with no life. Make the other person miss you and want you.

12. Oh my god brush your teeth.

13. It’s OK to like the way someone dresses, but fashion feelings are not the same as real feelings.

14. Shower sex is really hot, but the water can make our vaginas go all weird and clammy on the inside, which is why you should always keep a tube of lube in the shower.

15. KISSING IS THE BEST!!!

16. “I want you” is a good line.

17. Girls: Generally speaking, you have to touch your clit during sex in order to cum. Most guys can’t get you there on their own, so you have to help them out.

18. Sex is meant to be clumsy and awkward.

19. Making out with your hand in the shower while masturbating is not weird.

20. And finally, the real secret to dating (and life) is just to be the most amazing version of yourself possible. It sounds corny, but it’s true! Don’t be one of those loser people who sit around smoking weed, doing nothing and hating the world all day, because no one loves them. Be the sort of person who takes vitamins, reads books, goes jogging and gives mind-blowing head. And then one day, out of the blue, some epically hot and smart and nice person will stumble into your life, and you’ll look into each other’s eyes and know instantly that you’re meant to be. And then they’ll kiss you and you’ll kiss back and you’ll keep on kissing for more or less the rest of your lives. Aww! Total cute alert! Because you’re worth it.

Comments

Comments

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25 Comments

  • Reply evildan March 12, 2011 at 8:06 am

    still queasy about the bl00dw4v3. and god why do people actually LIKE foreskins enough to keep them?

  • Reply darkroom March 12, 2011 at 9:25 am

    is that even a valid question

  • Reply coop March 12, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    i now live by these secrets, as rules

  • Reply Loren March 12, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    awwww, this is cute, i love it! except for number 19. that's fucked up.

  • Reply <33333 March 12, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    karley THIS is why i love your blog xxx

  • Reply heya! March 12, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    more of these!

  • Reply boy March 13, 2011 at 12:43 am

    hey thanks for including #10 :) us big noses can get down on ourselves some times.

  • Reply est March 13, 2011 at 1:48 am

    perfect.

  • Reply tom March 13, 2011 at 7:17 am

    menstrual stains are really hawt. appreciated the sensitivity in this too. like your sensitive side, karly.

  • Reply k March 13, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    You're awesome too toots

  • Reply S March 13, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    ok. I seriously love your blog. it makes me laugh every time, you're not ashamed about anything which I admire so much. you're my favourite internet person. just felt a sudden need to tell you all this, I've been reading your blog for over a year. greetings from helsinki.

  • Reply alice March 13, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    so you tots mentioned you have pubes – how do you maintain them? what's the best way to do it so that you've still got some and guys aren't all grossed out by it ? xoxo

  • Reply mariana March 13, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    fucking while on your period reduces the friction, not cool. other than that, answers are pretty coherent and cute. me gusto el "por ejemplo" tambien. kisses.

  • Reply anne-lise March 13, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    you are fucking awesome. thanks for this.

  • Reply Your New Lover March 13, 2011 at 11:14 pm

    I freaking love you – and just wanted you to know that you make my day from across the world!

  • Reply killerdarling March 14, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    You have to touch your own clit while having sex? really? If someone dont know what to do I usually just educate them and tell them what I want, usually its appreciated and even arousing for the other part, if not(?!) Its not worth wasting your time on!/Killerdarling

  • Reply jessica March 15, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    reading/laughing/agreeing from train station in morocco.

  • Reply Nic March 16, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    the blood pics made me puke all over my keyboard

  • Reply Julie March 16, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    INTENSE! I like it…www.celebrityowned.com

  • Reply jamie luke March 16, 2011 at 11:59 pm

    this is my favourite post.

  • Reply gm March 20, 2011 at 5:08 am

    Amazing. Pure. Completely clean. And as dirty as they come.

  • Reply marina March 30, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    my favourite lines are "blood is nature's lub' and the last one.miss you girl!!! xx

  • Reply JuDy April 16, 2011 at 3:02 am

    BEST.POST.EVER!

  • Reply SimplySteph September 19, 2011 at 11:36 pm

    You know it's real love when he goes down on you while you're on your period. <3

  • Reply Evie September 22, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    My boyfriend is my boyfriend because he has a big nose. And he also loves blood, spit and all that stuff…And I love you because, though you're on the other continent, I feel you're just like me!

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