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Dating 101: Cosmo Sex Columnist

March 6, 2011

Cosmopolitan is a magazine read by girls who want to be told how to dress, act and what to say, because they’re too scared/dumb to think for themselves. I’ve expressedmy feelings for Cosmo in the past–about how it brands itself as a girlpower sex and dating guide, when it’s actually just an instructional pamphlet on how to be a desperate, man-pleasing cum slut. Por ejemplo, Cosmo recently published an article listing the sex positions that make us girls look the skinniest to our partners during sex. WHAT!? Are they 4real? How the fuck are we meant to cum if whenever we have sex we spend the whole time worrying about twisting ourselves into crazy positions, just to appear five pounds lighter? It’s SEX, not a fashion shoot, i.e. you should be worrying about the friction on your clit, not your fucking angles. Also, newsflash, if a guy is having sex with you it means he already likes you and the way you look, just like you already like him and the way he looks. So basically you can save the sucking-in for your America’s Next Top Model audition tape.

Anywayz, I figured it would be a good idea to interview an advice columnist from Cosmo for Dating 101, to remind ourselves to always do the opposite of whatever she says. You’re welcome!

If you really care about someone, what’s a good way to show them how you feel?
Cosmo: When you’re sexually excited, really express yourself. Scream your head off, laugh, shout his name — whatever you have the urge to do. If you’re embarrassed, just know that you’re doing your partner a favor. The more you express your pleasure, the more you make him feel like the stud of the universe.

Translation: Fake it.

Is it a good or bad idea to send someone you just met pictures of you masturbating?
I think keep it simple – you’re not a porn star so generally, resist sending pictures. If this is a new guy then you have no sound reason to trust him. If things don’t go well, he will always have that ‘keepsake’, which is a pretty nasty thought.

Weird, because that’s always worked for me.

What are some tips for spicing up your sex life?
Bringing sex toys into the mix is always a good way to spice things up. But if you don’t own any, no fear, you can make you own sex toys from stuff you have lying around the house. Scrunchies, for example, make for great play things. Start by stacking six scrunchies on top of each other over your guy’s package. Then remove them one by one using your lips and tongue. As each piece is removed, it releases a little bit of pressure in his penis, which will make his orgasm more intense when it happens. Plus, the movement of the fabric will feel wild on his skin.

Completely ridiculous. No one has six scrunchies.

Anything else?
When he’s least expecting it, tell your man you need some change. Then stick your hand in his pocket and start rubbing his penis through the fabric, pretending that you’re really digging around for that coinage you need. When he’s good and hard, whisper something Mae West-ish in his ear like, “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?” He’ll practically bust out of his pants.

A bit conceptual, but I’ll let this one slide as it’s something I can almost imagine myself doing when drunk.

Any advice for first dates?
Don’t judge someone on a first date. People act weirdly on first dates – fact. If your gut has a good feeling about him but you didn’t like his shoes, his cardigan, his verbal diarrhea, then give him another chance, because those things are changeable.

So basically it doesn’t matter if you don’t like the way someone dresses or acts, because those things can be changed. Don’t love someone for who they are, love them for the person you can mould them into, duh!

I’m exhausted.



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  • Reply Sylvie March 6, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Good to know that all aspects of the relationship revolve around my significant others dick! I'd had it wrong all this time…

  • Reply elk March 6, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    why is six the magic scrunchie number?

  • Reply duh! March 6, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    because the average penis is 6 scrunchies long, obvs.

  • Reply seriously March 11, 2011 at 4:13 am

    will you do the same for boycrazy? everyone pretends she's all empowering and witty, but all of her posts make it clear that girls aren't going to get fucked unless they lose weight and wear makeup ALL THE TIME. plus i'm pretty certain she's getting paid by urban outfitters because every other fucking post she manages to slide in that everyone should shop there

  • Reply hjk March 28, 2011 at 7:12 am

    In my experience being vocal during sex helps me to get more into it, and in turn makes the ex feel better. however we should be moaning for ourselves first and foremost, not moaning when it doesn't even feel good just to make the guy feel like he's getting an A

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