Death in Paris

View from my Paris window. But what good is beauty without wif?

Something I didn’t realize about Paris when I temporarily relocated here three weeks ago was that it’s literally the worst place on earth. I don’t think I’ve ever been anywhere more inconvenient, more miserable, and more burdened by seemingly arbitrary rules in my entire life. But it is pretty, I’ll give it that.

One of the things I find most annoying about France is that between 3pm and 7pm all the restaurants shut down so that everyone can take a nap. This doesn’t make much sense to me, because between 3pm and 7pm tends to be the time when I want to eat the most. The other time of the day I tend to want to eat–being someone who gets up quite late and doesn’t go to bed until about 4am–is around 10pm. However, all the restaurants here close at 10 so that is also impossible. So basically you get two windows during which to eat: between 12pm and 3pm, and between 7pm and 10pm. Now, coming from America–a place where we value a thing called freedom of choice–I don’t like abiding by these arbitrary, irritating rules. (Not to mention that on Sundays every single thing in Paris is closed, so it’s impossible to do literally anything at all.) And then, even when you do manage to make it to a restaurant during the five seconds a day they are open, the service is so abysmal and slow that the process of eating takes two hours. It’s like, don’t these people have lives? When I have lunch, I want to get in and get out quickly, so that I can get back to whatever pseudo-important thing I was doing beforehand. But here people prefer to just sit around and eat leisurely while drinking a bottle of wine (hence the need for a post-lunch adult naptime).

Also, I’m sorry but I can’t deal with the food here. I know French food has a great rep, but literally all they eat is bread, cheese and meat. How are they not fatter? Also, there are almost no vegetarian options anywhere, because apparently people here are just so obsessed with meat that they need to eat piles of it with every meal. Literally, even when you order a salad it comes with secret meat hidden underneath the leaves. The other day I was at a restaurant with some friends and we ordered a “mixed plate” (i.e. a plate of bread, cheese and meat, obviously), and I thought, ‘Oh that’s fine, I’ll just eat the cheese’, but then when the plate arrived it was laid out in such a way that the cheese was located underneath the meat, like literally hidden underneath a giant meat fort, causing all the cheese to be covered in the juices of animal fat, and subsequently taste sort of like meat as well.

And while I’m complaining about restaurants here, I should also mention that they are very expensive. In New York you can get a nice, healthy breakfast–eggs, sautéed kale, sweet potatoes, whole grain pita, beat juice–for like $12. Here they give you a pile of carbs and lard and it costs three times that. And in New York I can have that nice, healthy, cheap-ish breakfast any fucking time I want, and the waiter serves it to me with a smile, rather than angrily throwing the plate down in front of me in disgust, as if it was some massive inconvenience that they had to bring the food in the first place–because why on earth would someone imagine they could come to a restaurant and expect to be served food, ugh! (And if you’re wondering why I don’t avoid all this stress by cooking food at home, it’s because I just don’t like to do that, and part of the reason why I pay extortionate rent prices to live in cities is so that I’m afforded the convenience and luxury of having my food cooked for me at every meal. So there.)

Another thing that’s confusingly third-worldey about Paris is that is really hard to find the internet. I moved into a new Air BnB apartment last week, and the girl whose house it is neglected to mention that she does’t have wifi. How is that even possible? How do people live like this? When I called her about it (in a panic), she explained that she uses something called “Free Wifi,” which is the free wireless internet that exists all throughout Paris. That surprised me, because nothing in life comes for is free, right? But after many attempts over the past week to make the Free Wifi work, I’ve realized that its free-ness is rooted in the fact that it completely fails to function. In the midst of my mental breakdown I knocked on the doors of a few of my neighbors, to see if I could maybe borrow a wifi password, but they all live in third-world internetless homes as well. And practically no cafes have wifi either. The only places you can count on having the internet are McDonalds and Starbucks. Traj. As a result, over past week I’ve been forced to work from McDonalds, however the McDonalds wifi firewalls my blog (lol) so blogging has obviously been quite difficult. In order to upload things to my blog I have to crouch on the street outside of a hotel near my apartment and steal their wifi. Unglamorous. However, the absolute low of my trip thus far was yesterday, when I had to interview someone over Skype, and I had to hide in the corner of a McDonalds with my head and laptop hidden under a tent I made out of my coat, in order to block out the sound of screaming children. Kill me now. Oh, and then afterward I got an email from a stranger to my Slutever email being like, “Hey, did I just see you in a Paris McDonalds by any chance?” The shame…


Me crouching in the street, desperate for wifi
 
Conducting a Skype interview under a coat tent at McDonalds. Traj.

Another thing that’s been adding to my recent stress is that while in Paris I’m living with my girlfriend. I obviously love being with her–why would we be dating otherwise?–but I’ve never lived with anyone I’ve dated before, and as I expected it’s quite exhausting and nightmarish. It’s just weird to be around someone so much. And it seems like after a while, no matter how much you like a person, it’s impossible not to find every single thing they do infuriating. Admittedly, my gf is someone who is generally very easy going and always in a good mood, so it’s hard to find her annoying. However, it’s gotten to the point where I’ve begun to find her easy-goingness and general positivity the most infuriating things about her. Like for example, if we go for a walk, she’ll constantly stop to stare at things–random walls, broken windows, puddles–and then just sigh contently and comment on the obscure beauty of the world around us. This obviously makes me want to smash her head in and scream about how ignorant she is for not being able to see how disgusting and annoying life is and how mutant-like most people are. However, whenever I say this sort of stuff to her, she just laughs casually and tries to Instagram me.

Another scary thing about living with the person you’re dating is that after a while you become really gross. You stop caring about looking good and saying interesting or funny things, and just regress into this repulsive, cave-person version of yourself (i.e. the person you are when you’re alone). For example, I’ve almost completely stopped showering. And I don’t even care because it’s like, “Whatever, we’re still going have sex anyway. But actually we probably won’t because I fucking hate you and think you’re the most annoying person on earth. But also please don’t leave the room because I’ll be lonely without you.” Thus is the essence of living with the person you’re dating, in a nutshell.

Sigh. It’s only when I leave New York that I realize how amazing it is to live in a 24-hour city full of friendly people, where kale is served in almost every restaurant. And I’m sorry if I sound like a whiny bitch but, ya know, life can be really hard sometimes. Also, where is Louis Garrel? Doesn’t he live in Paris? I haven’t seen him once.

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129 Responses to Death in Paris

  1. tea says:

    I loled so hard @ this <3 please visit me in Milan while you're in europe x

  2. tea says:

    (I have wifi AND live really close to a McDonald’s)

  3. Blankette says:

    Est-ce qu’un jour tu peux écrire autres choses que des concentrés de stéréotypes ?

  4. AlexB says:

    Wait… I thought tragic was chic? TRAGIC IS CHIC, RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Fuck.

  5. PennyLane says:

    You should go to the restaurant Le Depart just next to the Saint-Michel metro near the Latin Quartier. Not only are they open 24/7, they have great free wifi and they serve food all hours of the day.. literally never closed. The waiters are nice and after midnight there’s a bouncer.. he’s black, his name is Shaft and he’s hilarious.
    Maybe that place’ll help you see how great Paris can be!

  6. the stranger says:

    don’t worry, I told no one I saw you.

  7. seriously says:

    The part about the restaurants pissed me off,big time. I live in Paris, I hate when tourists complain about that restaurant thing, I mean, stay in your fucking country if you don’t want your precious (and stupid, for that matter) habits to change.

    • Lauren says:

      But seriously, why does France have such a good reputation for food if the eating environment is borderline inhospitable? Really. Please explain, I would LOVE to know how stupid we Americans are.

      • Laura says:

        The reason why French servers are so seemingly inhospitable stems from their culture itself. The word “service” (while also being an English word is originally French) comes from the word “serf,” and if you know your history, you know that European Feudalism has its origins in France. (Serf = slave, guys.) France has a long, long history of the poor greatly suffering at the hands of the rich. I mean, you want to talk about a real 1% versus 99%…hence the French Revolution in the 18th century with starving peasants revolting against the monarchy and the rich. However, even post-Revolutionary France continued to struggle with the large working class/poor being exploited by the upper class. Long story short, a good chunk of French history deals with the general population struggling to gain recognition and equality like their few-and-far-between rich fellow citizens. (If you are curious and want more details on all of this, take the time to do your research because this would take longer to explain than it already has.)

        While restaurant servers in Europe make salaries to live off of (unlike America), French servers in particular do not like the term service because it reflects back to a time when people were bound against their will to serve someone who held a higher status position. Instead of expecting a restaurant server in France to be unrealistically friendly and cheery like in America (I mean, it’s already annoying when people do that here, especially when the serving business has been so lobbied to the point that minimum wage for servers hasn’t changed since the 1960s), the idea is to establish a relationship with your server. This is why most people in France tend to go to the same cafes/restaurants: they have an established relationship with the restaurant workers and have become friends with them, to the point where they talk to each other about their daily lives, etc. and the server knows what their client wants to order because they go there so often. Also, while you should never tip in Europe in general, this is especially true in France. Restaurant workers in France find it insulting, as if you are trying to buy them to serve you. You may think that sounds ridiculous, but that’s so steeped into their history and culture, so it would be wise to not be ethnocentric about it.

        Also, to add to this, eating in France is ALL ABOUT leisurely enjoying it. Take your time with your food, enjoy the atmosphere, and most importantly, enjoy YOUR time. Your time is for YOU and no one else. Why rush a meal when you can stay for as long as you want, have time to chat with friends and loved ones, and make the most of it?

        • goose says:

          that’s balls though, it’s just that french people hate tourists, if you ARE french, or if you go to a place that doesn’t get much tourism (e.g a ski resort in off-season) you can get treated like a queen in france. or just go to germany, germans are much funnier than french people and they LOVE english speakers. the food might be more meaty/carby though

          • fongios says:

            French do not hate tourists they hate people who do not respect the etiquette. americans tend to think they are at home overseas… Especially true in paris where we have 80 millions tourists a yearand EVERYTIME i go out to walk in my park there is a tourist asking me a direction / to take a picture of him and most of the time without even a thank you/please. Not my fault if you guys lack of education, i believe its bush who cut the school fundings

      • Aggie says:

        France isn’t only Paris, that would be a first thing you can learn from.
        Paris is a big city, saying all places are “borderline inhospitable” means you’ve never come to Paris or been there for 3 days on your big Europe trip between Rome and London.

      • Unrelated says:

        I totally admit that french people are not the nicest and warmest people on earth, I wasn’t talking about that. I was just talking about those people complaining about the opening times (like Karley here). It actually makes sense that a restaurant would only open at lunch times y’all .

    • srsly says:

      your habits sound pretty unbearable then

  8. stalker #999 says:

    WORD

  9. Dovile says:

    Oh, I can relate to that :DD It’s been almost two years since I’m here and only now, ONLY now it’s starting to get better… I think I start liking Paris and Paris starts liking me. It takes time.

  10. Marta says:

    BRILLIANT POST! As a Spaniard having lived in Paris for the past 4 years, I must say I agree with every single word here (and especially about the meat. I’m actually surprised cows are not extinct in France). Regarding Free Wifi, after years of not being able to make it work, I just assumed “Free” was actually an internet provider’s brand name and wasn’t actually free. Whatever. Also, you haven’t yet spoken about all the perverts who constantly follow you on the street threatening to rape you?

    • yo says:

      please, in Spain during La Siesta what can you do ? Nothing
      and i’m still searching for an internect connection

  11. Vagabond D says:

    Sounds so much like India. My derision is a sugar-coated version of frustration. I mean, its your fuckin’ job to serve people at times they want to eat. They’d even appreciate you, humanity and your stewarts might pocket some good amounts of tips. But.. the big ol principled ‘NO’ – “We’ll open at 7 and close at 10″. Assholes.

  12. lethe says:

    I love you, really. Wishing well.

  13. Lorstel says:

    Parisians are awful, it’s true, even more to “provinciaux” (the rest of the French people) than to tourists but try to go to some other places in France, we are mostly welcoming (here in Toulouse everybody will pay you drinks and invite you to parties, dinner, show you the town, …).
    For the oppening hours of the restaurants, we are used to have precise hours to eat, but if you go to the south of France, oppening hours are more extended, you can eat tapas from 10 am to 1 am.
    And yes we eat a lot of meat, but at the seaside you can find unexpensive fish and in the south the vegetables are very good and it’s easy to find vegan restaurants.
    I hope you won’t be totaly disgusted by french people

  14. Dominick says:

    I lived in Toulouse Fr for 6 months, and travel all over that country and found all the things I herd about French people to be true. What an arrogant racist group of people. The CEO of the company I was working for told me to my face that when I returned to the US, I would be fired if I hired any African Americans, I told him to fire me now because I could never and would never stick to that agreement, what a fuck head. Do you know when you go to the movies they eat their popcorn before they go into the theater! What’s up with that! Next year spent 6 months in Italy and just amazing! I’ll never return to Fr, never, never, ever!

    • Aggie says:

      “What an arrogant racist group of people”, well that’s not racist at all, think lady

    • Shawty says:

      So you meet a french racist asshole and deduce that ALL french people are racist assholes. So smart!Brilliant!

      • Dominick says:

        Your criticism of my comment is fair, I guess over the six months I spent in France I wanted and expected more, but you’re correct to say all French People are racist is not fair and with that I apologize for the comment. I was disappointed in the majority of people I interacted with and my company. It was clear that diversity was not welcome and the comments I heard would never stand in many (not all) work places in the US. Anyone who reads any news about the US understands that we have our challenges, but I’ll take NYC, Miami, Los Angles, etc. over Paris or Toulouse any day anytime. I’ll never go back to France, there are numerous countries such as Italy, Austria, etc. that are warm and open people. If you can write back and tell me all is good in France than there is no value in continuing this conversation, because we would never come to a common ground.

  15. andrew says:

    do you think you’re funny with this post? do you think you’ve noticed something that is of some kind of value? do you think that by posting this the world will think of France as the 3rd world?
    i’ve tried but i can’t come to any other conclusion than this is another example of an american having a tantrum because they dont have immediate satisfaction to their every possible want and need, and its something, particularly in its consistency that is giving the entire country a bad rap. i live in NYC and i know for a fact that you cannot get any good free wifi unless you go to the same establishments you complain about using in Paris. i also know that the food in this country aint so great and its only so cheap because the gov’t has allowed monsanto et al to pile so much GMO foods on the market, making them cheap. meanwhile this same food makes you sick.
    your complaints are mostly about…wifi access? really? you coud get wifi in france the same way you could get it in this country – by PAYING for it! shock! revelation! please grow up!
    oh, BTW i’m just so glad that your staged mc donalds interview sketch had the team on hand to make sure you had photos taken of you under that blanket. or did you pay one of those french third-worlders to wear the thing so you could pretend it was you?
    as for your true lack of hygiene, and hating your partner, well, there’s a few years of therapy waiting for you back here in nyc to deal with that. good luck.

  16. Phil says:

    Karley, as a french vegetarian, i understand you soo much for all your food problems !
    and moreover, i loved this post, very funny to me, the complicated way to find a good wifi.
    If you want to access the free wifi (which is an internet provider’s name, and actually not free at all), you need some login and password. I don’t have some, but good luck to find one !
    Get a lonely planet, it will help you ;)

  17. Page says:

    First time commenter–and I had to because I moved from the US to the UK about two years ago and can totally relate. I miss the convenience that is America.

    I don’t get this European way of life. It doesn’t make sense to me that nothing is open when you need it to be and somehow people still manage to actually go grocery shopping and shit. And free Wi-Fi. God, how I miss free Wi-Fi.

    • bbebbg says:

      my god, what time to you grocery time? Sunday night at 3 AM? Seriously what are you complaining about?

    • Muffin says:

      Seriously?! “European way of life”? Who needs everything to be open all the time anyway? Get organized and stop complaining. Restaurants open when people are supposed to be eating (lunch time, dinner time). These times aren’t there to annoy you, they are actually rooted in a culture. but what would you know about that..

      Your so-called convenience is just lazyness. If you planned your day a little bit better, you wouldn’t have any problems.

  18. Graham says:

    Please team up with Tea and write a book together.

  19. Captain retard says:

    It doesn’t matter where you go. You are still the same stupid retard.

  20. Natalie says:

    Before I get started, why did that person hide and stay anonymous? Pussy.

    Anyways…

    Now I am craving McDonalds. And bashing my significant others face in. And only because I love him dearly.

  21. nastasia says:

    BBBAAABBEEE

    I TOLD EVERYONE NOT TO MOVE IN PARIS. Why do you think we all end up in London? Because Paris is so depressing and lame and yes, beautiful but that is all you can give it.
    Also the part about living with your gf….it’s difficult to read it ’cause I feel it’s me talking. I mean, Literally this is my life now that I’ve moved in! Haha. GLAMOUROUS.
    Let me know if you need some good plans while you are there love.
    xxx

  22. Oscar says:

    yoo paris is not spain!!! restaurant are not closed from 3 to 7 because people take a nap but because they don’t eat during those hours. It is just another food culture. Yet you can get food and sandwiches all day long at boulangeries.
    Also “Free Wifi” does not mean anyone can get free internet. Free is the name of the telephone and internet company, and they provide a city wise connection if you get a registration.
    You seem like such a square it is crazy. Why did you move if not to change your daily habits?
    You also seem to be trapped in the touristic Paris. It is the most touristic place in the world so it is hard for a foreigner to pass over that aspect of it but you will have fun once you do. Meet some french kids maybe. Go to Le Pompon this week end, the place will be shut down starting next week, or try the Weather festival

    • It is a company says:

      Free is the name of a company that you have to have service with to use their wifi. It’s probably also the cheapest cell company in France and amazing. That’s why she couldn’t get it to work. It’s not “free” as in public, it’s “Free” like the company. Similar to the SFR wifi or Orange wifi.

  23. M says:

    Oh Karley, this is just too wonderful for any compliment I could give it. Thanks :)

  24. Tais says:

    Dude. You can pretty easily find vegetarian food catered for us types of people who aren’t into the carbs+lard lifestyle. Suggestions: go to Les Marais neighbourhood and find yourself some quinoa lentil kale salad stuff. There’s also one vegan restaurant in that area that’s pretty alright. Sure it’s all expensive as fuck but that’s a pretty well-known fact about Paris. Oh, and eat a falafel sandwich at L’As du Falafel!!! And then go shopping at the friperies around there. Do all of this alone while flirting with strangers, get back home, shower and fuck your gf!!

    • karleyslutever says:

      OMG, I’ve been living off the falafel sandwichs at L’As du Falafel. The best ever.

    • eva says:

      check http://guerrisol.com/magasins.html for suuper cheap friperies (=vintage stores). and try being super humble about not speaking french to smoothen the conversation a little, maybe consider learning a little french. stuff like “hello, do you mind if we have this conversation in english”. I really think they’re all just super frustrated because frenchie’s english usually is so unbelievably awful. If you don’t want that, fine, but it’s a possibility.

  25. Ldom says:

    I’m French from Paris and I agree with some of what you said but it’s also full of clichés.
    The reason you don’t find what you need in Paris is simply that you don’t know the city well enough (yet). There are veggie restaurants, there are places where you can get free wifi (not to be confused with wifi from Free), there are places where the food is good and cheap, etc. Will you stay long enough and try hard enough to find them, that’s the question.
    You should have mentioned that you were coming over! Your French readers like myself would have been pleased to help you!
    Anyway, don’t give up on us yet…

  26. Matthaeus says:

    you are so pathetic . if it is hip you can cope with different mindsets but when it comes to food and a different food culture you are obviously as narrow minded as the republicans. congrats you are getting old! now fuck off and go back to your aah i’m so fucking open to everything city.

    • Mary sue says:

      Sorry your city is just crap because its full of narcissistic angry twats like you who cant take any criticsm.

      • gtre says:

        what we can’t stand is narrow minded people who travel in europe BUT can’t shake to get off their little american lifestyle.

  27. Adrian says:

    This is a major problem in American culture. Exotic is cool until it’s right in front of our face. I been to so many countries and this type of whining is so common place. Oh……. There has to be something good about Paris besides it being beautiful.

  28. Wiggy says:

    Karley, you really are the BEST. Glad to see you exploring the world again in your own inimitable style.

  29. Cara says:

    I love you, Karley <3

    Fuck all the whiny haters (patrionists and nationalists) who can't deal with any witty criticism. Welcome to freedom of speech and democracy you backward cunts!

  30. Pierre says:

    When I read this I wonder why you even wanted to travel in the first place. I mean how can someone move to a different country and expect it to be like what they’re used to in their homeland? That just being either really naive or completely stupid. And since you seem to love stereotypes so much, I’ll give you one: you Americans are fucking narrow-minded when it comes to getting to know a different culture than you own. You just proved that another time.

  31. lula says:

    I have lived in Paris for a while and although I agree with the fact that waiters are very rude and it is a fucking expensive city, I think you’re not even making a effort to really discover Paris. There are great veggie places around Le Marais, the Quartier Latin and almost everywhere (you just HAVE TO look around and stop waiting that they will pop in front of you). You’re too lazy to do your job right, you’re not even trying. Also, there is an effing lot of places to eat open after 3pm. Get over yourself already, because u know, NYC is not the center of the universe. I usually like to read your stuff, but this post is very lame and sounds hysteric.

    • disappointed gal says:

      I completely agree with you Lula. Karley, I’ve been reading your blog for a couple years now and this post is really childdish. I’ve been living in Paris for four years now, and it took me a while to figure out the parisian way of life. I agree that there’s some black spots but not the ones you’re describing here ; come on, are wifi and restaurants opening hours your major issues in life ? Please don’t compare any place to third world’s countries, because you obviously have never been to any of them, irony has its limits too. I promise you can enjoy yourself there, you just need to go ahead and find the places you fancy. Also, lesbian tip : La Mutinerie, rue saint martin, is a great bar and organize a lot of queer related event such as DIY sextoys workshops, only-girls sex party, or drawing lessons with nude transexual models. Check out Oberkampf street (mine, hehe), and go to Udo bar, a french/berliner tiny place, eventually ending up at La Java or La Villette Enchantée with its lovely staff. In monoprix/cojean/lina’s/exki stores you can find all kind of fresh, ready to eat, insanely well-balanced food at any hour of the day, including vegan, gluten free etc…These stores are the “go in and go out” places that you’re craving for and I never have to pay for more than 10 bucks for a full meal. You can find them all around the city (especially monoprix which is sometime more of a superstore and provide a cheap alternative). You seem to stay in pretty touristic areas which may explain your exasperate tone, but please be emphatic and try to figure out how it would be to work as a waitress with the spoiled-karley kind of tourist around all the time ;) If you explore a bit you’ll find the city (and its suburbs which are very dynamic) quite cool.

  32. jocelyn says:

    so sorry you are having a rough time in paris :( i moved here about six months ago, and it can be a little tough to get adjusted to. if you’re looking for good vegetarian options, i would check out pinson café in the marais. it’s a beautiful, super chic café with vegetarian and vegan options, and it has wifi! bob’s juice bar in the 10th is a great place to get a kale juice fix. a lot of cafés tend to stay open all day (without the stupid nap break). look for some that say “nonstop.” good luck, darling!

    • karleyslutever says:

      :) THANKS!

      • Antoine says:

        Café Pinson in Le Marais is great. It’s also right in front of Nanashi, that’s a lovely place for vegetarian people. There are a bunch of those in the city, the food is fresh and I think you’ll find what you’re looking for.
        2 Streets away, Rue Charlot, there’s a veggie Burger spot. And right by that street, there’s a little market, called Marché des Enfants Rouges where you can eat great vegies and stuff.
        Also, shops in that area (Le Marais) are for most of them open during the weekend, as well as restaurants. It’s a very lively area.
        Paris is not as easy as New York I’ll give you that for sure. You have to look for the cool spots but there are a few. Le Marais is one of those.
        You need someone to show you around dude.

  33. Mark says:

    This is simply awful…. you seem like you would be the type that lives for mcdonalds. Paris can do without you.

  34. Saleem says:

    Long time reader of this blog here. It’s great you’re in Paris even though you don’t like it much… yet ? I always had ambivalent feelings toward this city too, it’ll probably feel the same for, not to throw some self-fulfilling prophecy though. But I agree on the wifi part and the third world feel some time (this coming from a third world native, realness bitch !), so traj as you say, I basically learned to h*ck other people wifi…

    Free is an internet service provider (among other things), they deployed a wifi network all around the city and the country. However, not only the signal is mostly shitty, you also need to be their customer in order to get logins and access their wifi. Worst part, to prevent people from sharing their logins, only 3 to 4 (I’m not sure) devices are allowed to access their network with same login, so don’t count on random logins found on the internet to work. That company is evil !!!

    The same limitation doesn’t apply with SFR wifi (SFR is another ISP), therfore if you find wifi logs on the net they’ll most likely work, provided you find a signal of sufficent strength.

    Finally, keep being fcking sexy (this coming from a gay guy) and demonstrating your funny writing skills !

  35. K says:

    Come to Berlin instead :)

  36. denis says:

    If you want drugs, find this address:
    http://www.nme.com/news/pete-doherty/70151

  37. Candy Cunt says:

    Hey – have you ever wondered what the costs of a 24-hour city are? Obviously not, cause you’re a privileged, white brat. If you are using the word “third-worldey,” please look at your city, and for that matter at your country, and get some information about workers rights. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of Paris, not at all. I prefer New York a million times. But your post just makes me want to puke.

  38. mightzi says:

    embrace the culture!
    didn’t henry miller basically get famous for writing in paris, about paris!
    i would LOVE to not have a bunch of idiots not running around trying to find food! i would LOVE it not everyone was 100% connected all the time!
    go to the dang store and buy yourself some food and boom, you’re half way to happiness.

    about the sig nif other person thing: it’s tiresome, it is. constant, non-stop always there. but, if the person is right then it just sort of feels like having a dog around, a best friend, or whatever. maybe have separate rooms so that when you do hook back up, it feels a little more special :)

    Have fun!!

  39. jazzbass says:

    Why not move back to NYC? New York is the place. Just travel around sometimes. If you have an iphone or an adroid. You can always setup a wifi hotpsot from your cellphone btw. Alot easier for you if you have a laptop. If you don’t have one of those phones, you can buy a usb 3g or 4g wireless. Much easier and you probably would pay something like 40 bucks a month. Keep up the writing. Good-stuff. Interesting.

  40. danny says:

    deeply disturbing but i don’t know what kale is!

  41. jake says:

    I hate Paris its to glamorous zzzz. Also you speak the most truth of anyone ever.

  42. Carefoam says:

    The first thing to sort out in your head when you decide to go to, or live in, Paris is that it’s not home – whether it’s New York or wherever. You often see Americans complain about exactly the same things as above. Sure, stuff like wifi access, the extraordinary lack of veg options, and moronic waiters are not the most pleasant challenges to deal with, agree with that. (If you find Paris’ service rude go check out Berlin btw). But the fact is that Paris doesn’t suck as hard as you think, you just need to reset and accept it for what it is. Do some research on places to eat and see, get a Navigo pass, and stay the fuck away from the Notre Dame.

  43. RYancavemAN says:

    Plutot, le petit mort de Paris. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day all of Paris decided to mass suicide itself, and at the same time it is one of my favorite playgrounds, for sure. Lived there for seven years, but left before it killed me. Karley I hope you do lots of awesome amazing sex in that city and take pictures to show your grandkids. For a tourist I would suggest sex on the metro, and in the catacombs, make love at the Louvre with somebody that has a secret key to somewhere in that arc of art, and to shut some douche down for a kiss on the Eiffel Tower. At the same time, I suspect that you could come up with stuff that’s way better than all of that, but being that your just shackin up doin some lezzy lovin, and bitchin at your babydoll for being beautiful, all Cave troll regression aggression in relationship. Good call on that BTW, that is so how it goes, stay classy stay single-ish. Sounds like some sort of sapphic snob fest, but hey if you can sexually out snob the French, it’s very very impressive.

  44. Pedro says:

    Psssh should have just stayed in Brooklyn and found a parisian bistro in yelp and called it a fucking day.

  45. Mary sue says:

    People are getting so offended so easily over a post, get on with your own lives and do something good instead of getting so emotional and angry by Karleys post. Grow up people and spend your time a bit more wholesome and if you want to tell Karley how shit her blog is, why sont you say it in her face as it is respectful when you bash someone!!
    This post is obvs supposed to be funny but sadly this world is full of angry whiners who wait for every opportunity to jump at someone and unleash their own frustration. Sigh

    • Mary Sue is Annoying says:

      People are entitled to their own opinions just like you. Your comment is just as whiny as the whiners you complain about, who are allowed to voice what they think on a public forum such as this. Also, quit kissing Karley’s ass by feeling the need to reply to every negative comment on here. We get it, you wish you were her. Get over yourself. You’re nobody.

      With that being said…

      Please shut your whore mouth already, you dumb cunt.

    • AC says:

      I wish your comment had come first.

  46. Confused by the rage... says:

    I don’t know why so many people are hating on this article. It’s hilarious. I think anyone who moves to a new place, anywhere, can relate to this on some level. And as for THE PEOPLE OF PARIS taking offense to this, it’s more addressing the issues/inconveniences of adjusting to a new place, rather than being a definitive statement about Paris as a whole.
    Thanks Karley, this makes me feel way better about leaving Europe for Canada.

  47. Matthew says:

    I live in New York and I’ve been studying in Paris now for several months. While many of the things you say are true in certain areas, you grossly generalize the city. Things close from 3-6/7 in some places, but not all. Most of the time I eat at a restaurant, it is in fact between 3 and 7. You just have to look around and find the right places. It’s not that difficult, really. As for WiFi, well, I never use WiFi when I’m in New York either, because I use my phone data. Just like a Parisian would, since they have their own phone services here. Free WiFi isn’t available in the United States either, don’t expect it to be available elsewhere. Although regardless, I’ve still managed to find countless places in Paris where free WiFi is indeed available. Lastly, I myself am a vegetarian and have had some of the best vegetarian food here in Paris. I will definitely miss this city when I leave it, because there is nothing like Paris. Sure, it might need some adjustment, but that is to be expected. If these are your only qualms with Paris, then you should try to explore the city much more. You’re missing out so much on such a cultural, historic, gastronomic hub if all you’re focusing on are these stereotypes. Not to mention it makes us Americans look bad.

    Paris is not nearly as bad as you make it out to be. It’s just a matter of exploring the city and finding what it is you seem to be lacking, which are all things that I myself have found in Paris. (Not to mention, the metro system in Paris is FAR superior to the one in NYC. I’m going to miss the metro here when I’m in Brooklyn waiting 20 minutes for the L train.)

  48. Lalla Morte says:

    I feel for you. I was born here and even though I love my city, I hate it too..
    same reasons as yours.
    email me if you need some help or tips.
    Try the libraries for wifi and quiet environment to write..
    or come by for tea if you’re desperate!
    :)

  49. LOL says:

    I’m sorry , but london is just as bad

  50. lc says:

    Most of this stuff is why I loved living in Paris.
    I’d rather someone in a shitty job just got on with it rather than give me a faux american style services. I’d rather people cared more about stuffing their face with food for two hours and napping than spending all day on the internet.

    • kp says:

      you should probably move back to paris, then.

    • srsly says:

      Obviously you’ve never had to work a job like that. My sister lives in Paris. The reason americans who work in food/beverage give you “faux american style services” is because we live off of things called “TIPS” in which the 15%-20% ideal amount is directly proportionate to how good you feel as a customer. Do you remember tipping in Paris?
      No, it is included in their hourly wage. If paying my bills wasn’t dependent on smiling at every cunt who throws shade while I refill their drinks then I’d LOVE the privilege to treat my shitty job the way parisians treat theirs.

    • tammi terrell says:

      I don’t understand why everyone is attacking you; I’m in complete agreement. I really need to go to Paris.

  51. free wifi says:

    Woow. get some infos, from friends or other… looks like one of this sarcastic tourist we make fun of. enjoy your McDo!!

  52. Jane says:

    Good lord, if you think French restaurant service is bad, try living in Prague. Czech waiters, bar staff, baristas and shop assistants uniformly look at you like you’ve just walked in and taken a shit on their counter before producing the withered head of their favourite grandmother out of a non-recyclable plastic bag.

  53. JTR says:

    you can leave ‘murica,
    but ‘murica never leaves you.

  54. chantal says:

    i was in paris a couple weeks ago and everything is so fucking spot on. i hate mcdonalds but was there all the fucking time for wifi. plus, at the mcdonalds its busy as all shit and you have a .03 second interval where you can speak to an employee while they hand your food and in that moment you have to ask for napkins, ketchup, a lid and a straw and if you forget to ask you’re fucked

  55. Sam says:

    This: “I fucking hate you and think you’re the most annoying person on earth. But also please don’t leave the room because I’ll be lonely without you.” Thus is the essence of living with the person you’re dating, in a nutshell.”
    So pathetic, yet so true. My bf has been driving me CRAZY (we’re spending way too much time together)but the moment one of us says they want a day ‘alone” the other one is all like “whaaaaat?! why? WHY DO YOU HATE ME?! *cries*

  56. Seboul says:

    I guess it is the most stupid post about Paris i have ever read…Sorry to tell you that a girl like you would have no chance to date Louis…
    Also very sad and pathetic to see how a girl can be lost nowadays without an “easy internet access”….pathetic and scary….

  57. leilei says:

    this is hilarious. I can’t stop laughing. please write more posts like this! x

  58. CC says:

    First time commenter – Amen to this. I have been to Paris twice, each time for roughly 2 weeks or more. It’s a crap place to be. I love all the art, but the city is dirty. The food is very limited – I eat meat but felt extremely ill by the end of my stay. I went to the fresh fruit and veg market to stock up on whatever fruit i could get, just so I didn’t feel bloated and gross from all the meat all the time.
    I did find a few gems (L’Ecurie is a beautiful restaurant which gives you sangria upon arrival, and has nice waiters – mainly because the main guy is actually Italian, not French). Most of the service is appalling. People are rude, uninviting, treat you like dirt, won’t explain things to you (even if you ask in French), etc. I was also there once for Bastille Day and that revealed to me just how elitist French society is – many are treated very clearly as 2nd class citizens.
    I’ve been all around Europe, I’ve lived in the UK, etc. Nowhere was quite as inhospitable as Paris. Italy is a million times more beautiful, cleaner, better food, nicer people, great art and culture, etc. European habits can be difficult to understand or accept at times if you’re from elsewhere, but I really feel that the effort you put in gets rewarded in Italy, Germany, etc. It doesn’t get rewarded at all in Paris. Paris just keeps spitting in your face instead, and demanding you respect it.

  59. juan lork says:

    Welcome to Europe, Slutever!
    Now come to Madrid, in Spain. We may introduce you to Chueca gay barrio, surely it´s funnier than Paris. We are also the third world, but there are many sluts and bitches here!! You´ll be welcome in Madrid, Karley!

  60. Gillian says:

    I have a love/hate relationship with Paris, and having lived there on and off, agree completely.

    A few things for you:

    Bob’s Kitchen/Bob’s Juice Bar – amazing vegan food/smoothies/juices
    Ten Belles – cute coffee shop with good food on Canal St.Martin and free wifi
    Bosophore – very close family friends of mine own this Turkish restaurant. Open late. Can get big vegetarian plates with hummus/eggplant ect. in Montmartre.

  61. jdfnxrdjgk says:

    KARLEY COME 2 DENMARK

  62. Ridwane says:

    This post is hilarious. I’m really sorry that you had such a bad time in Paris. Especially when the weather is that bad… You just need to be patient. It’ll be better in a few months. Maybe you need a real parisian to guide you around the city? You can write to me if you need anything. And by the way, I’ve been reading your blog since you started. I’d be interesting to finally meet. BON COURAGE!

  63. Lise says:

    I beg to differ. Paris is not NY, France is not the US. You can’t expect the same things. And as others said, please stop the stereotypes about Paris and French habits. You want to eat vegetables ? Go to a marché (there are a lot on week ends, just google it). Most of the time it’s cheap and good quality and you can eat whatever you want. And please please please, US=liberty of choice ? Please…

  64. lola says:

    And if you are still looking for him, don’t stick to St-Germain des Près, but go to the south of France: Louis Garrel is in the Cannes Film Festival right now !

  65. jg323 says:

    HOLY SHIT!!! Your opening sentence is great!

  66. Lorenzo says:

    This post is funny ’cause Karley is a funny writer, but I think it shows some of the Americans pretensiousness.
    In europe we have meals regularly and we often cook our food instead of eating cheap junkfood whenever we’re hungry. I guess this is why we are not so obese as the Americans.
    I, as an italian, would never come back from America and write an infuriated post about not finding a decent espresso, or a decent pizza, or a decent pasta (actually or a decent ANYTHING to eat), I would not complain about the fact that you call peperoni what is actually slices of salame piccante, or that you have a pretty arguable conception of what is “mozzarella”, or that you have the dirtiest McDonald’s I’ve ever seen, or the fact that so many people are so disgustingly fat and have abslotuely no taste, or, especially, that you can’t and don’t wash your butt after you poop.

  67. poncho says:

    As a someone also living abroad in spain, i can sympathise with a lot of adjusting that needs to be done…re eating and shopping times but paris everyone knows that the worst thing about paris are the parisians.

    That said, americans are genuinely spoilt to fuck when it comes to service and convenience…i recently went on a date with a texan who complained about having to slice his own plate-sized pizza! Waaaah!!!

  68. me says:

    HEY! i saw u in the cafe around the corner seating with ur laptop, I guess we are neighbours .
    I now some good places to eat around: belleville, avemaria, american bistrot, marocan place.
    I also went trhought the macdonal’s Internet trip, and every other free spot on the street , but i ‘ve Internet now :)
    Beware u only realise u ve become a Parisian when u start complaining how much u hate it. WARNING!

  69. tigronne says:

    Judging by the view from your apartment window, you’re in the 13th district, i.e. totally the wrong part of Paris (except for the futuristic bit with the barges by the river). Move north! Concentrate on districts 10,11, 18, 19 and 20 plus suburbs like Montreuil. You’ll find that most of your problems miraculously disappear. What you’re doing now is like spending your days in Westminster or Kensington and wondering why everyone is a rich berk, a clueless tourist or a member of the service industry at the end of their tether (I don’t know NY that well but presume you have places like that too).

    Well except for the vegetarian bit, everyone here thinks vegetarians should be burnt at the stake.

    (ps. there’s little wi-fi coverage here because the deals you can get with a service provider are so cheap that there isn’t much point.)

    • karleyslutever says:

      No, I’m in République in the 10th.

      • tigronne says:

        Oh, ok, seems I’m going senile…
        Anyway, keep walking North (up the hill), not South into the Marais which has become a joke version of its former self (the post right above mine actually has some really good tips).

  70. Dan says:

    Omg, yes!!! France and particularly fucking Paris is neat and all, like a postcard. But it’s a postcard sent to you by someone who hates you. Who rather then being all cute and writing about sun, promenades and xoxo or whatever, is writing they kinda want to see you dead.

    EVERY single one is a total dick! The only way to be slightly well serviced or welcomed with a smile is to act as a complete asshole before anyone in the restaurant/shop/place you find yourself in open their mouths. Just slam the door open and scream at the top of your mouth: “you, yeah you, throw that slim retarded cigarette away and take my coat, anorectic wh*re”. Then you MIGHT get a table before it’s nappy, nappy time.

    Used to live there back in early 00′s after high school. Never. Again. Enrolling university was like you were doing community service for a gruesome crime… I mean come on. Little colored papers, stamps, visiting little offices for registering, back and forth, in every fucking arrondisement. I had to fill out were my mother was born!

    I am from Sweden, where everything works, you would’nt find a public toilet without wifi, everyone watches everything in HD and if it says state-whatever on it you know nobody is lying to you.

    I been back many times since my year living there. Last summer they got the “internet”, the year before you could pay with your Visa without someone having to reach for the good old manual-trace-the-card-details-on-to-paper-with-load-a-big-ass-shootgun-movement-machine.

    Things and or fields with no or little signs of progress:
    - Equality.
    - Random kindness.
    - Youthfashion. Retro, cosy shit like big scarfs and what not, nu-metal fans, like early 00/late 90′s looks but with no trace og, you know a “Grimes-vibe”… they all look like reaally old alcoholics trapped in a 14 year olds body.
    - Heating of apartments.
    - Shoppingbags in the supermarkets, you will need triple layers and like one bag (in triple) per item.
    - Comedy/humour. Non. Not existing. Unless you have the sense of humour of a toddler.
    - Freudianism gone wild! Here they have sexy 12 year olds, and 67 year olds (men) who thinks it’s in their given rights to try to pick up teens… people live at home too long, people grow up to fast… the mothers, the fathers. You know what, let’s just not go further into this topic…
    - the LANGUAGE! This is one of the most annoying things. Ok, so you got yours every one else got theirs – fine, good, bon! But the rest of us in the western world decided english was suitable for everyone to share… could have been spanish, could have been german if they did’nt fuck up some 70 years ago. But french, sorry… you have got an attitude problem. Probleme avec ton attitudé! I you speak to someone they hear that you are’nt native (fair enough) but encourage please, don’t switch to your sucky ello mi-ister ve-e-rue godd’a eng’G’ a lish a’ cause then I switch and go Oxfordian on your ass! Or we could speak swedish, or german, how would you like that, huh?!

    So, France is great – the french, not so much. In the south of France, the Riviera it’s slightly better! Mostly brittish people living there and everyone treats you well, cause even though the Vans and the lack of gold displayed on my body I could still own the Yacht in the dock, HTML-billionaire, whatever, and I might tip you well for good behavior.

  71. helen says:

    omg cook a meal already u won’t die

  72. Joanna says:

    You have become more french/parisian than you think ! Lol

    Just don’t expect to find NY in Paris and you’ll probably live your experience with more joy. ^^
    Plus the more you’ll discover the city the more you’ll see that you can eat without meat, bread and cheese (coming from someone whose gluten and lactose intolerance ^^) go with the flow and if you want to know some great places where to eat I can send you some adresses ^^

  73. Michael says:

    Hehe, I Started To Hate You A Lil Bit … And Then I Started To Love You Again

  74. alice says:

    You have plenty of nice cafes in Paris with free wifi (and good things to eat), where you can also meet people as they are usually spending all afternoon there (and PLEASE don’t go to that awful St Michel café someone advised you to go to, it is the worst place ever … full of gross foreigners and even grosser French people). To name a few: Craft (rue des Vinaigriers in the 10th), Kooka Boora (at the top of the rue des Martyrs in the 9th), Pinson (rue du Forez in the 3rd), Loustic (40 rue Chapon in the 3rd), Marcovaldo (61 rue charlot in the 3rd), Coutume (47 rue de Babylone in the 7th), Le Bal (impasse de la défense in the 18th), Tuck shop (rue Lucien sampaix in the 10th) and others…

    And this weekend go to Villette Sonique, great festival in the Parc de la Villette (hopefully the weather won’t be too bad!)

    Please don’t hate Paris :)

  75. alice says:

    And to finish, no wifi but awesome places (run by foreigners, don’t woory!) very close to Republique: Ten Belles (the cutest bartenders ever, you won’t deny it even if you don’t like boys anymore…), which adress is 10 rue de la Grange aux belles, and Merce and the Muse (rue Dupuis)
    Btw in the above, the ones close to République are Tuck shop (run by Australian girls), Craft, Loustic, Pinson and Marcovaldo
    Enjoy!

  76. Christian says:

    I don’t know why I am bothering to comment, because your own comments make it clear you don’t listen to criticism, even when it’s healthy. I like your blog, and have been reading for a while, but I’ve never commented, partly for this reason.

    I’m not French but I’ve lived and worked in Paris for a while. I didn’t come to France by choice, but I know lots of people, like yourself, who have. And most of them have done so to impose the same incredibly outdated fantasy on the city as you have, something you can see even in a title like ‘Death in Paris,’ which shows its influence clearly. Paris is a museum that people happen to live in, and that’s the result of a number of causes. One of them, though, and an important one, is tourists, like yourself, buying an out of date image of the city. You want it to be something like Dreamers/Hemmingway/etc., and people are actively selling this to you. A consequence of that is that there isn’t an attempt by many of the cafés/bars/clubs/anything else to make something genuinely interesting and good, but rather sell some second rate shit to tourists. At the same time, tourists want Paris to be comfortable and safe, with wifi. Comfort and safety depend on a pretty conservative city. How is it surprising that Paris has turned out this way?

    Anyway, total waste of time commenting, I don’t know why I did it, because as judging from above, you are not really interested in reflecting on or changing any of your views.

  77. Sam says:

    Hilarious! Just make sure you’re using McD’s for the free wi-fi and not to sneak dirty burgers under that coat…

  78. Poppie says:

    hey that sucks you had a bad time in paris. i’ve been living here going on 5 years and there are times when i want to smash people in the face, but you get over it. maybe you had a shit time because its totally different from where you come from? thats the only explanation I can give. Also if you don’t speak French this can be a huge problem. I mean its France…people speak French.

    i dont know what you mean about stores not being open at 3pm onwards? they’re open pretty much all day. some close for lunch from 12-2pm. but that isnt EVERY store in paris.

    there are a few health food stores in Paris. Naturalia, Bio-coop, Naturhouse, . Helmut Newcake are completely gluten free. do your research on food before you come here.

    Also, if you didn’t like Paris I advise you travel to other cities in France. Especially the south, everyone is so friendly down there. The rest of France isn’t like Paris at all.

  79. currrzio says:

    this “post” wins the Palme d’Or of the bullshit.
    Sorry. but you don’t. know. nor understand. France.

  80. IHaventGotOne says:

    Hey Karley, if the MacDonald’s firewall blocks your website. Use this -> https://www.torproject.org/download/download-easy.html.en
    Without getting into the technical details, it’s an anonymity network. You can then use it to avoid censorship and blog about your vagina.

  81. Zoya says:

    The best thing to do to quell these problems is go food shopping and cook everything, or bring food out with you in a super-mungo purse, and also, conduct skype interviews in hotels. Usually they let you buy 1-2 hours of time for €1-€2.

  82. Sara says:

    Go to the café at the Swedish Institute (Institut Suedois) in the Marais for free wifi, free refills on coffee, and delicious cakes. Another free wifi place I like during the day is le Carillon near Canal St. Martin — a sweet, divey spot with cheap beer and mulled wine. Also The Broken Arm in the upper Marais, Merce and the Muse (nearby), and Ten Belles near the Canal.

  83. Muffin says:

    Funny post. I personally love to whine about stuff so I am not really offended about this.

    The Wi-Fi thing is a problem almost everywhere in Europe. But it’s slowly getting better. In the meantime, just get a data pack, this is not expensive at all if you find the right provider.

    The restaurant thing I find a little bit ridiculous, cause obviously your rhythm isnt exactly normal and I don’t think the rest of the world should have to cater to someone who always gets up and goes to bed late (I am one of those people and these time restrictions actually force me to get out of bed and do stuff, which I think is a good thing). Paris is very multi-cultural so I can’t imagine it would be so hard to find places that serve more than cheese, bread and meat.

    I must say I absolutely hate that things close on sundays. It’s a christian thing. We are in the 21st century and I think it’s so old fashioned to have things close on sundays, because obviously the rest of the world isn’t stopping. So I am glad to now live in Holland where this isn’t the case.

    I would just try to see this in a positive way: I am a lazy person that loves convenience, Wi-Fi and to sleep in. But being forced to actually wait and work for things and get up at a reasonable time to get things done isn’t a bad thing.

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