Was Cosmo your bible when you were 14? It was definitely mine. It’s where I learned how to give a BJ, that spit just won’t cut it when it comes to anal, and that the burning sensation when I peed wasn’t AIDS but in fact a UTI. But have you flipped through a copy of it recently? I did, and it’s certainly not the insightful and prophetic sex guide my teenage brain thought it was. It’s actually more like an instructional pamphlet on how to be a desperate, man-pleasing robot. Literally every article is about the different ways you can and should bend over backwards to please a dude. You’re worthless unless someone’s inside you, basically. No wonder we’re all such dick slaves.
Here’s some of the inane (and shockingly antifeminist, considering it’s a magazine for women by women) advice that Cosmo is currently giving out. I’m actually terrified to think this is the stuff girls are reading during their segue into sexual maturity.
1. From the article “The 6 Things Guys Notice 6 Seconds After You Meet”
Newsflash: Dudes like to look at your chest! Now, that’s not to say they think all women should unbutton their shirts to their bellybuttons at funerals. (Though really, who are guys to judge?) But they WILL notice how you’re showing off what you’ve got.
Translation: Get your boobs out or no one will love you.
2. From the article “20 Fun, Fearless Ideas to Help You Meet a Man”
Hit a sports bar the next time a game is on. Wear a tee with the logo of the team you’re cheering for, and sit near a guy rooting for the same team. You can connect over your shared fandom.
So basically forget all of your actual interests and instead just pretend to be into sports because dudes LOVE sports, and it’s not about you, it’s about him, duh! Also there’s nothing hotter than tricking someone into liking you under false pretenses.
3. From the article “The body Language Of His Hands”
When a guy is happy with how things are going, he’ll often make this sign of approval without realizing it. For example, he may rest his hand on the table this way if he feels a date is going well.
What, you didn’t know guys make upside-down “A OK” hand symbols when they’re happy? Moron.
4. From the article “8 Things Guys Notice About You Instantly”
Your Hip-to-Waist Ratio!
Men instinctually look for baby mamas. If your waist is noticeably smaller than your hips, it signifies fertility — a huge point in your favor. A wide belt will emphasize that hourglass shape.
So now I have to wear a wide belt to signify my fertility to strange men? What if I’m infertile? Is wearing a wide belt like false advertising? Oh shit I forgot, we already established that’s OK.
5. From the article “How To Get Hit On All The Time”
Men find heels sexy. But that stiletto is even sexier when it’s dangling off your toes. A half-off shoe shows that you have a playful mind-set and you’re not planning on going anywhere. But if your legs are crossed when you do it (or anytime they’re crossed, for that matter), make sure your top leg is the one farthest away from the guy you’re into. Otherwise, he’ll get the impression that you’re closed off.
So basically when you’re out with your friends, instead of engaging in interesting conversation, you should be devoting 100% of your energy to dangling your shoe from your foot, while simultaneously working out which leg is meant to be crossed over what depending on the exact location of your crush (swapping legs as he moves, obvs).
6. From the article “The Secret To Getting Any Guy”
Always keep your group of girls nice and small. “It’s ideal to go out with just one or two other friends,” says relationship expert Krista Bloom, PhD, author of The Ultimate Compatibility Quiz. “If you’re with a larger group, pair off for 30-minute intervals to give guys the opportunity to come up to you.”
And again, you MUST remember that your sole mission in life is bagging a man! A night out with friends is really just an excuse to be around other humans, on the off chance that one of them might want to sleep with you.
7. From the article “Blow Him Away: Make Your Mouth His Favorite Place On Earth”
Some men enjoy having their testicles gently sucked, but few women like the feeling of hair in their mouths. Pre-oral, suggest a shower and shave; many guys claim that there’s something strangely erotic about watching a woman carefully shave their testicles – the swish of the razor and the consequent heightened sensitivity of bare skin can be highly arousing.
Are they just blatantly lying to us now? I definitely don’t know any guy who would be turned on by me running a razor over his balls (except maybe my slave actually). Also, guys shaving down there is bad vibes anyway! It makes your junk look like raw chicken, frealz!
8. From the article “100 Crazy Dirty Sex Questions”
Q – Is there a subtle way to spit out semen after oral sex?
A – Not really. Use a tissue, or go to the bathroom if it’s nearby.
9. From the article “Women and Shoes: A Love Story”
There’s some serious mood-boosting going on when you try on any kind of apparel. “The neurotransmitter dopamine is released, providing a feel-good high, similar to taking a drug,” says Martin Lindstrom, author of Buyology: Truth and Lies About Why We Buy. “The dopamine increases until you swipe your debit card.” Usually, the high then flatlines, and guilt starts creeping in… except, that is, when the item you’re purchasing is a pair of shoes. “Shoppers rationalize shoes as a practical buy — something they can wear multiple times a week — so they hold on to that pleasurable feeling longer.”
10. From the article “50 Great Things to Do With Your Breasts” (lol)
This trick really makes your boobs look voluptuous: Stand in front of a mirror under an overhead light, and sweep bronzer over the dark areas underneath and between your breasts. Deepening the shadows that they create gives the impression of greater fullness.
Because he’s clearly not looking at your fucking face.
RECAP! What have we learned? 1) Pretending to be someone you’re not in order to bag a man is totally fine, even encouraged. 2) Have large breasts and have them on display at all times, otherwise no one will look at or care about you, and 3) You’re worthless unless someone’s fucking you, so if that’s the case you better sweep some fucking bronzer on your tits STAT, because if you don’t confuse someone into fucking you soon, well, you’ve got no reason to live.