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Dick Slaves

October 11, 2010

Dear girls/gays,

Was Cosmo your bible when you were 14? It was definitely mine. It’s where I learned how to give a BJ, that spit just won’t cut it when it comes to anal, and that the burning sensation when I peed wasn’t AIDS but in fact a UTI. But have you flipped through a copy of it recently? I did, and it’s certainly not the insightful and prophetic sex guide my teenage brain thought it was. It’s actually more like an instructional pamphlet on how to be a desperate, man-pleasing robot. Literally every article is about the different ways you can and should bend over backwards to please a dude. You’re worthless unless someone’s inside you, basically. No wonder we’re all such dick slaves.

Here’s some of the inane (and shockingly antifeminist, considering it’s a magazine for women by women) advice that Cosmo is currently giving out. I’m actually terrified to think this is the stuff girls are reading during their segue into sexual maturity.

1. From the article “The 6 Things Guys Notice 6 Seconds After You Meet”

Newsflash: Dudes like to look at your chest! Now, that’s not to say they think all women should unbutton their shirts to their bellybuttons at funerals. (Though really, who are guys to judge?) But they WILL notice how you’re showing off what you’ve got.

Translation: Get your boobs out or no one will love you.

2. From the article “20 Fun, Fearless Ideas to Help You Meet a Man”

Hit a sports bar the next time a game is on. Wear a tee with the logo of the team you’re cheering for, and sit near a guy rooting for the same team. You can connect over your shared fandom.

So basically forget all of your actual interests and instead just pretend to be into sports because dudes LOVE sports, and it’s not about you, it’s about him, duh! Also there’s nothing hotter than tricking someone into liking you under false pretenses.

3. From the article “The body Language Of His Hands”

When a guy is happy with how things are going, he’ll often make this sign of approval without realizing it. For example, he may rest his hand on the table this way if he feels a date is going well.

What, you didn’t know guys make upside-down “A OK” hand symbols when they’re happy? Moron.

4. From the article “8 Things Guys Notice About You Instantly”

Your Hip-to-Waist Ratio!
Men instinctually look for baby mamas. If your waist is noticeably smaller than your hips, it signifies fertility — a huge point in your favor. A wide belt will emphasize that hourglass shape.

So now I have to wear a wide belt to signify my fertility to strange men? What if I’m infertile? Is wearing a wide belt like false advertising? Oh shit I forgot, we already established that’s OK.

5. From the article “How To Get Hit On All The Time”

Men find heels sexy. But that stiletto is even sexier when it’s dangling off your toes. A half-off shoe shows that you have a playful mind-set and you’re not planning on going anywhere. But if your legs are crossed when you do it (or anytime they’re crossed, for that matter), make sure your top leg is the one farthest away from the guy you’re into. Otherwise, he’ll get the impression that you’re closed off.

So basically when you’re out with your friends, instead of engaging in interesting conversation, you should be devoting 100% of your energy to dangling your shoe from your foot, while simultaneously working out which leg is meant to be crossed over what depending on the exact location of your crush (swapping legs as he moves, obvs).

6. From the article “The Secret To Getting Any Guy”

Always keep your group of girls nice and small. “It’s ideal to go out with just one or two other friends,” says relationship expert Krista Bloom, PhD, author of The Ultimate Compatibility Quiz. “If you’re with a larger group, pair off for 30-minute intervals to give guys the opportunity to come up to you.”

And again, you MUST remember that your sole mission in life is bagging a man! A night out with friends is really just an excuse to be around other humans, on the off chance that one of them might want to sleep with you.

7. From the article “Blow Him Away: Make Your Mouth His Favorite Place On Earth”

Some men enjoy having their testicles gently sucked, but few women like the feeling of hair in their mouths. Pre-oral, suggest a shower and shave; many guys claim that there’s something strangely erotic about watching a woman carefully shave their testicles – the swish of the razor and the consequent heightened sensitivity of bare skin can be highly arousing.

Are they just blatantly lying to us now? I definitely don’t know any guy who would be turned on by me running a razor over his balls (except maybe my slave actually). Also, guys shaving down there is bad vibes anyway! It makes your junk look like raw chicken, frealz!

8. From the article “100 Crazy Dirty Sex Questions”

Q – Is there a subtle way to spit out semen after oral sex?
A – Not really. Use a tissue, or go to the bathroom if it’s nearby.


9. From the article “Women and Shoes: A Love Story”

There’s some serious mood-boosting going on when you try on any kind of apparel. “The neurotransmitter dopamine is released, providing a feel-good high, similar to taking a drug,” says Martin Lindstrom, author of Buyology: Truth and Lies About Why We Buy. “The dopamine increases until you swipe your debit card.” Usually, the high then flatlines, and guilt starts creeping in… except, that is, when the item you’re purchasing is a pair of shoes. “Shoppers rationalize shoes as a practical buy — something they can wear multiple times a week — so they hold on to that pleasurable feeling longer.”

Science talk!

10. From the article “50 Great Things to Do With Your Breasts” (lol)

This trick really makes your boobs look voluptuous: Stand in front of a mirror under an overhead light, and sweep bronzer over the dark areas underneath and between your breasts. Deepening the shadows that they create gives the impression of greater fullness.

Because he’s clearly not looking at your fucking face.

RECAP! What have we learned? 1) Pretending to be someone you’re not in order to bag a man is totally fine, even encouraged. 2) Have large breasts and have them on display at all times, otherwise no one will look at or care about you, and  3) You’re worthless unless someone’s fucking you, so if that’s the case you better sweep some fucking bronzer on your tits STAT, because if you don’t confuse someone into fucking you soon, well, you’ve got no reason to live.



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  • Reply Nic October 11, 2010 at 10:13 am

    great article! i always thought that cosmo and the like is for morons!

  • Reply Kathy October 11, 2010 at 11:26 am

    Damn. Do I sense some righteous feminist anger in this article? Yeah, stuff like that is why I can't read Cosmo anymore. I try to read it for some potentially useful sex advice, and then I just get pissed off and end up throwing it under my bed.Meh. Slutevs.

  • Reply DearMrMiller October 11, 2010 at 11:36 am

    Uhm. I may be pointing out the obvious here, but it's a fashion magazine or to those a bit wiser in the dark arts, a vessel that bows only to their advertisers. If it was about making women confident and empowered, women wouldn't shop because they'd be happy with what they've got, which would defeat the purpose of making them feel like empty facades for the magazines paymasters, the advertisers. Knock'em down, add not-so subtle editorial supporting insecurity and manufactured competition, make 'em feel like their only use is a perambulating cock sleeve. Profit.

  • Reply R October 11, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    Yeah, nothing relaxes me more than some bird down by my nuts with a switchblade.

  • Reply stella October 11, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    this is highly amusing ("lolz no one actually believes in this crap") & really disturbing ("omg maybe some girls do believe it") at the same time. i've never bought/read a cosmo, though. thank god.

  • Reply H October 11, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    So obviously an American magazine!

  • Reply Big Tim October 11, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    U grlz need ta STOP actin like ya'll don't like this. Everthing your little grl mag sayz is true-up. Bigtittays and shave my nutz. Boo yah!

  • Reply p October 11, 2010 at 10:13 pm


  • Reply Jessica October 11, 2010 at 10:33 pm

    you are wonderful.

  • Reply mimi October 12, 2010 at 12:17 am

    ahahahaha this is such a good post. mindless morons that read cosmo, thank god i've never bought one, ugh. love you karley aha

  • Reply filleosophy October 12, 2010 at 12:22 am

    I'm amazed — truly — that Cosmopolitan has been able to please stockholders year after year, given the misogynistic tripe disguised as knowledgeable content that graces its pages. I feel like it's the troll of the magazine industry and we should all smile and look the other way while we wait for it to get bored and go harass someone else. My personal favorite article of theirs was the one in which they listed a bunch of things you should do to impress your dude, including use your thong as a hair tie. I'm just waiting for a men's magazine to let guys in on the secret that we similarly are into it when they use their jock straps as headbands to keep their rockstar locks from getting soapy when they wash their faces with their 4-in-1 (shampoo/conditioner/body wash/face wash) formulas. Yummy.

  • Reply gems October 12, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    I love this.Exactly how I feel whenever I pick up Cosmo & its kin now. Weird considering I grew up really believing all the shit it spouts.Great article Karley :)

  • Reply quackenbush October 12, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    Man, your blog's gone corporate. Boo. I feel it's lost some of its pizzazz now it's got its own URL.

  • Reply laura October 12, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    I'm young and most girls I know conisder the NME as their bible or something, it's pretty much the same idea as ' pretend to get into the same football team as your man' but 'pretend your into the same 'indie' bands as him.'Not that there isn't some girls who read pretty shit magazines like the NME for themselves but don't lie about the stuff you're into, you will end up looking more dumb in the end,,?

  • Reply kb October 12, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    Haha!! Love your last sentence. Its funny because its true!!

  • Reply bettinabrentano October 13, 2010 at 11:58 am

    ugh..i know it was bad way back when. Now I'm worried about my lil sis reading this crap that has obs gotten consid worse since I was her age. eww….eww….eww!

  • Reply quackenbush October 13, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    I retract my earlier comment, the interview with the wheelchair geezer is nang.

  • Reply kate October 13, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    I haven't laughed that much ever I don't think. Oh. My. God. I hate Cosmo.

  • Reply Eve Janine October 13, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    I love this! I have recently had a vent about Cosmo magazine – it's a bag of shit designed to turn women into complete idiots that feel like their lives are shit unless they have a man in it. Booorrring.xx

  • Reply x October 13, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    Quackenbush, Blogspot is a piece of shit. I can see why she finally decided to get her own actual website going.The things Cosmo says sometimes is so absurd. I remember someone else did an article like this and they said men love it when you lightly twist and smack their balls. Oh yeah, I fucking bet I would love that.

  • Reply Lola October 14, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    Cosmo was always quite shit, really.. no ?

  • Reply Andrew October 14, 2010 at 9:08 pm

    funniest thing ive ever readi cant believe magazines like this actually exist

  • Reply jefske October 15, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    genius post and totally relevant to what the media culture has become, quite moronic to numb the readers. Most magazines are faced with pleasing potential/existing advertisers anyway. apart from the likes of Candy and Electric Youth etc, where the volumes are substantially lower so the publisher retains more control over what content they producegreat commentary karley x

  • Reply katie October 18, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    you are absolutely briliant, thankgod i found you when i did, i swear by your blog hahaha

  • Reply Star Symmetric October 18, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    The hand gesture being made in #3 is the same gesture used to play a game amongst silly boys here in the states. Basically… if one person makes the gesture and another person (usually a dude) looks at it, the gesturing person gets to beat the other person up for a few seconds.

  • Reply mandar October 19, 2010 at 6:01 am

    ooooh….now that I know bumpy balls in my face and stiletto heels are my key to success I will jump right on this! Goodbye raising my baby on minimum wage, and puke on my napalm death shirt…hello drunken hookup at applebees and walks of shame! Finally I'll get the respect I deserve!! :)

  • Reply P October 19, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    I don't really know where this new, angry Slutever has come from, but I am into it.

  • Reply ophelia October 23, 2010 at 10:41 am

    brilliant post. i've also noticed the subtle turn from "fight machoism" (support feminism by acting EXACTLY like a man boning every single man you meet in a throng of one night stands, without caring about anyone's feelings..feminists were more than a little confused at that) to "be the woman every man wants" by essentially looking like a porn star of today. your posts have been different and better lately. less exaggerated 'auto-self-destruct' mode and more actual gender commentary. getting f-ed out of your mind with the strangest cocktail of drugs and f-king every skinny freak sounds glamorous in a basketball diaries meets christiane-f meets rules of attraction meets candy kinda way, but realistically, you never cum with those guys because they can't fuck to save their lives with their skinny tiny dicks. if only..

  • Reply RedHeadFashionista November 2, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    This is hilarious. I can't believe how low Cosmo has sunk from being the bible it used to be. Apparently. I was never alive to see it.

  • Reply lis August 17, 2011 at 9:53 am

    While I agree somewhat with what you're saying here, but you're reading a so much more into it and blowing it all out of proportion.I mean, yes, obviously women can be sexy and beautiful without bending over backwards for men, but as it's been stated- that's less likely to sell magazines.Also, as a product of the society I've been raised in, yeah, sometimes I feel it's nice to get some male attention, sometimes it's nice to be looked at. I think you're being ridiculous saying that Cosmo are telling women to change who they are in order to be fucked by men and loved in return.I don't know how different the Australian and US Cosmo magazines are, but I don't feel the Australian cosmo pressures women to do anything of the sort.But anyways, we all have our opinions.

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