I have some very sad news. As I sit here typing these words from the comfort of my own home, small-town inhabitants all across America are being infected with a highly dangerous and extremely rare disease known as EFS. And it’s just reached my hometown of Highland, New York. I had heard rumors that EFS had hit Highland, but I wasn’t aware of how serious of an epidemic it was until I got back home last week and was so utterly terrified by what I saw that I was forced to quarantine myself in my house and have yet to emerge since. As a result I’ve had to spend the last two weeks relaxing on the sofa in my sweat pants watching America’s Next Top Model. It’s been horrible.
EFS, or Expanding Face Syndrome, was first discovered in 1913 by the great French scientist, Pierre Chambouvet. The main symptom is a gradual yet severe expansion of the face until the entire surface of the noggin mutates into a round, puffy ball of blotchy, lard-like skin, causing the facial features to sink in amongst the flesh until they are almost completely obscured. More recently, scientists have discovered that another common side effect of EFS is short bursts of dementia in which the victim feels it necessary to get sloppy drunk, take millions of unflattering pictures of themselves in form-fitting clothes, and then post said pictures on the internet via the popular social networking site, Facebook. In more severe cases, EFS has even caused its victims to spawn unwanted, illegitimate children. It’s just devastating.
I saw many of these pour souls in true form last weekend when I made the mistake of going to a local bar. The entire place was swimming with the infected -a giant orgy of red, swollen faces and second chins. And not only that, these people were completely mad- all grinding and crawling over each other, laughing wildly, downing Jager-bombs and shouting things like “from the window to the wall” and “Superman that hoe!” and other random outbursts of nonsensical ramblings. It was a tragic site.
As of yet, EFS seems to mainly be infecting people in their twenties who still work the same dead-end job they did in high school and continue to live in their parents’ basement, watching reruns of Cribs. However, it is spreading rapidly. The whole situation is very strange and frankly, very saddening. I see these people I grew up with literally expanding in front of my eyes, and there is nothing I can do to save them.