Rants, Feelings & Opinions


December 28, 2012

Christmas morning began with my mother chasing me around our house with a razor, shouting at me to shave off the mustache I didn’t even know I had. “Just shave it off before the guests get here,” she yelled, a Bic razor raised above her head. “If you don’t want to do it, then I’ll do it for you, just sit still!”

I tried to explain to my mom that I, being someone who admittedly experiences feelings vanity on the rare occasion, would definitely know if I had a mustache. She, however, seemed to think there was an unattractive dark shadow above my upper lip that needed to be removed before our various family members arrived for Christmas lunch. The argument ended with me reluctantly shaving my face while my mother stood next to me, smiling at my reflection in the mirror. And I suppose the area between my mouth and nose does look a little better, actually. Although now I’m scared the hair is going to grow back in thicker. Isn’t that what happens? Great, I guess I’ll be shaving my mustache for life now.

The mustache incident reminded me of a time when I was about 13, and learning to put on makeup for the first time. “A good tip,” my mother told me, as we stood in front of the bathroom mirror, “is to put on lipstick, and then dab a bit of the lipstick onto your cheeks and rub in it, and it doubles as blush!” She was very resourceful. Then, as I was fumbling with the eye shadow applicator, she said, “Also, I can teach you a way to use shadow to create shading on your face, in order to make your nose look smaller… if you wanted that, of course.”

My mom grew up hating her nose. Later in life, she told me that her biggest fear during pregnancy was that her children were going to be born with the curse of her big nose. Growing up, I never even considered that my nose was big until my mother suggested a way to conceal it. Thanks a lot, mom! Turns out, I do have a big nose, and have come to like it (I made up this theory that goes, “people with small noses can be cute, but you need a big nose to be beautiful,” in order to make myself feel better), but I probably could have saved myself the effort of writing so many angsty diary entries about the hardships of having a nose like mine if this ostensibly flawed facial characteristic hadn’t been pointed out to me during such a fragile period of life. (AKA it’s easier to blame my mother than to accept responsibility for my own self-doubt, obvs.)

But insecurity about my nose was not the only thing my mother instilled in me as a child. In fact, she taught me many important life lessons, one of which was how to keep bugs away. You see, where I grew up in upstate New York, there are lots of mosquitoes and other annoying insects around, especially surrounding my childhood home, which is completely enclosed by a dense wood for miles in every direction. I have a vivid memory of being in the car with my mother when I was about six or seven, and her telling me that the best way to keep bugs away from you was to kill one, and then leave the remnants of the dead insect’s body parts on your skin. The severed body parts, she said, would act as a warning, and essentially scare the other bugs away. “Would you walk into a house with a severed human leg hanging in the window?” she asked me. In my young mind, this seemed like a valid point. And for years after that, whenever she killed a mosquito, she would call my brother and I over so that she could rub its guts onto our arms and legs, as protection. And I, obediently, did the same.

Another one of her life lessons, which she relayed to me when I was about sixteen, was to only date ugly men, “because they love you more.” She said attractive men have too many options, and therefore can afford to be less thoughtful. She also stressed the difference between temporary ugliness, i.e. bad skin or bad clothes, and the sort of ugly that lasts forever, i.e. the desirable kind. To be fair, this is probably a good piece of advice, and I’ve long wondered how much these words of wisdom influenced the fact that I now only seem to be attracted to men who look like dying birds.

But back to Christmas. As a present, my dad got my mom an iPad. Apparently, what she had previously asked him for was some sort of memory foam thing that goes over your mattress, to make your bed more comfortable. So, when she opened the box containing the iPad, which she wasn’t expecting, the first thing she said was “Is this for the bed?” She then spent the next minute or so, with the iPad completely visible inside the box, saying things like, “How could they fit an entire bed cover in this tiny box?!” while the rest of the family sat staring at her, silently bewildered. Eventually she worked out what it was, and then argued that she was justified in being confused, because the word “pad” had thrown her off, thinking it was a bed pad or whatever. Later on in the day, when she was trying to recall a song from the radio that she likes, she said she was “pretty sure it was by the Black-Eyed Chili Peppers.” Lol.

Maybe it seems like I’m being mean by poking fun at my mom, but I’m allowed to do that, because I really love her, which makes it OK. I think.



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  • Reply duh December 28, 2012 at 1:53 am

    these are the kinds of stories that would pile up to be a good book.

  • Reply Peter Brockheim December 28, 2012 at 2:28 am

    I like angel delight

  • Reply fangirl duh December 28, 2012 at 2:50 am

    It’s 2 pm, and I’m in my bed reading this story and literally laughing out loud. Karley, you are hilarious and I love you. Don’t listen to the haters, they’re only jealous because you’re talented AND pretty at the same time. + The fact that you openly talk about your personal insecuritys makes you seem so vulnerable and sympatic and it inspires me to deal with my own bodyissues the same way. ‘Skinny girls can be beautiful. Only girls with big thighs Can be sexy…..guys want sexy’

    • Reply karleyslutever December 28, 2012 at 3:35 am

      :) I like your thigh theory!

  • Reply Miwako December 28, 2012 at 3:00 am

    you are a terrible writer

    • Reply nymphetamine December 28, 2012 at 3:18 am

      shut the fuck up, son. she’s brilliant.

    • Reply karleyslutever December 28, 2012 at 3:34 am

      Thank you!

  • Reply Alison December 28, 2012 at 3:55 am

    My brothers and I got my dad an iPad for Christmas but he could barely conceal his disappointment because he wanted a kindle to read the paper on during his commute. Parents are adorable.

  • Reply randy cox December 28, 2012 at 4:25 am

    Cute!! I really liked this post. Your mom sounds awesome.

    I also have a big nose. It is one of the many things in my life that turns me into Jeckyll and Hyde. In my more confident moments I think it’s very rugged and masculine (I’m a guy) and interesting and yes, maybe even beautiful. In weaker moments I hate it and it makes me feel ugly. My parents also gave me a complex about it. They thought they were being lightheartedly ribbing me but really they just brought it up over and over and over during the awful teen years when that sort of thing can hammer you down.

    Thanks for post. Liked.

    • Reply Helen January 1, 2013 at 11:41 pm

      For the record, I have always loved big noses on guys. No idea why, just tends to be a pattern in men I date/fuck. I’ve met quite a few other girls who say the same so you absolutely have no reason to feel bad about your nose. :)

      • Reply karleyslutever January 2, 2013 at 6:06 pm

        Thanks, that’s so cool!

  • Reply Mr. Nice Guy December 28, 2012 at 6:46 am

    You’re the kind of girl I’d cum inside of on the first date <3

  • Reply Jules December 28, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Well that was some funny shit!

  • Reply Steve December 28, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Karley, regarding your shaving worries…

    Shaving one’s mustache does not make it grow in thicker, however, it may appear to grow in thicker. Allow me to explain. When you shave, you’re usually cutting the hair at it thickest point. Then when it continues growing you’ll see the hair in it’s full thickness, so it appears to be “thicker”.

    This is why next time your mom tells you to shave use wax instead. When you wax hair, you’re totally pulling it out. This results in several potentially good things. First, there’s a chance it won’t grow back at all and second the shaft will grow back initially thinner before reaching it’s full thickness and it’ll take much longer for the hair to grow back at all since it’ll be starting from the follicle. It’ll also feel softer to the touch. Oh, and you won’t get any ingrown hairs.

    This is also the reason why *if* one wants to remove hair from the pubic area one should wax. Much smoother, no ingrown hairs and no stubble and it lasts way longer. Plus it’ll itch way less when growing back. The downside is that you’re pulling the hair out of your vag by the roots. lol

    • Reply karleyslutever December 28, 2012 at 8:28 pm

      Weird, I realized that was the reason why hair looks like it grows in thicker! Makes sense. I usually wax my bikini line, but why the F do I still get ingrown hairs? I feel cursed.

      • Reply Stel December 29, 2012 at 3:46 am

        Oh noes waxing still gives you ingrowns (because the shaft grows back thinner, so its more difficult for the hair to break through the skin). Karley in your latest Purple video though your skin looked sooooo nice down there!!! JEALOUS!

  • Reply tamtamgirl December 28, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    Oh girl ! *this is not particularly about this very post, just a random though about slutever*
    I just wanted to tell you that I fancy so much this blog of yours ! (I’m french so I’m not sure that my grammar is correct…sorry!)
    When I read your stories, it’s like “ahah, I might be like her if I let myself be less shy…Well, I should act as free-minded as she does, obviously !” But then I’m “…wait. No way. I’m already quite crazy, and if I’d allow myself a larger margin of action, my friends would say I’m mad as hell or I don’t know…and I don’t want to find new friends, so, relax”
    Thus…I’ve come to the conclusion that your blog operates some kind of catharsis upon myself !
    Well then, have a nice New Year’s Eve Karley ! I didn’t want to let you begin 2013 without knowing how great your blog is ;)

    • Reply karleyslutever December 28, 2012 at 8:26 pm


  • Reply @Imoshedinheels December 30, 2012 at 3:22 am

    Another fantastic post. So addicted to your blog!

  • Reply jota December 31, 2012 at 8:48 am

    You are a fucking talented writer, of course!! And with beautiful boobs, indeed!

  • Reply SarahK December 31, 2012 at 11:55 am

    it’s evident from your writing that you love your Mam. She’s hilarious. As are you!

    Keep up the blog….looking forward to another year of reading your shit and lolzing for realz xxx

  • Reply James January 1, 2013 at 1:12 am

    The last paragraph was classic.

  • Reply beatrice January 1, 2013 at 8:44 am

    yes! srsly, girls with big noses are the only ones who can truly be beautiful #princessdiana

  • Reply Helen January 1, 2013 at 11:48 pm

    Karley, whenever I read your stuff it inspires me to keep writing. Even if don’t ever make a living at it, I love writing too much to stop, but sometimes I have no motivation. Reading your work gives me that push I need. Plus, you’re hilarious!

  • Reply Annel January 3, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    Black-Eyed Chilli Peppers – hahaa made my f*ing day! Such an arche typical parent thing to say.

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